I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.

What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.

A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.

En Femme Discover Woman Within

I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness.  Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.

I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common.  Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.

Hugs,

April

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April (Pacific Princess)

I am finally exploring transitioning after years of thinking about it. I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy raising my family. I started dressing again a few years ago, and lately I have realized that I am TG, not simply someone who likes to crossdress. I finally like who I am, and though I am moving closer and closer to who I want to be, I'm not quite sure who that is yet. I recently started dressing almost every day, and it is interesting, but the more I explore my female self and the closer I get to moving ahead with transitioning the more relaxed my style gets. I'm still a bit of a perfectionist though, and love going “all out” when the time calls for it. I'm just finally at peace with who I am and can't wait to keep moving forward.

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Paula1
Active Member
Paula1 (@paula1)
9 months ago

Oh what a great read April, I think a lot of us older girls here fell the same, If only i come to terms much earlier in life to what and how I could off become whom I was meant to be, Instead I just sat on my hands as they say
Life is to short to keep wondering what could happen and I now believe you need to just go for it

Holly
Member
Holly
9 months ago

April what a beautiful and well put article. I feel that I am on a very similar journey. And now at the age of 61 I find myself with the time and opportunity to re-explore who I am and who I want to be. I love being Holly, I feel so much more relaxed, content, and alive when I’m her. But how far do I go, or how far should I go? This I have yet to discover. I know that I will never pass as a woman, it is just the reality of things. No matter how hard I… Read more »

Jillian Walker
Active Member
Jillian Walker (@jillianw)
9 months ago

Great Article April,
You have put into words what so many of us older girls (I’m 64) feel.
Not unhappy but not fully satisfied.
Hugs
Jillian

Lizzie Dale-Johnson
Member
Lizzie Dale-Johnson (@lizziedj)
9 months ago

What a beautiful story Apri. I’m the same as you. Isn’t life such a conflict? I’m happy being male but I feel so comfortable when I’m dressed. Lizzie.

Tiff Any
Trusted Member
Tiff Any (@tiffanni)
9 months ago

Such a lovely & beautiful read , your words convey your emotions

Amanda Cook
Member
Amanda Cook (@amandacook)
9 months ago

I know we all start at the same post. But I think you have a head start over most of us. For i think you are a beautiful sexy lady now. Where most of us it will take months if not years ( if at all ) to look as good as you. So I say Go for it girl. Grab it with both hands and run with it you won’t be disappointed x Amanda

Amanda Cook
Member
Amanda Cook (@amandacook)
8 months ago

Hello April. That’s the art of these discussions to talk things over with your girlfriends and see what we all come up with?? And hopefully it helps?? But as I go into my later years ( 68 Ouch ) later this month I find sometimes the more you talk about things or think about things the harder it is to make a discussion!!! That’s why I say bite the bullet and go for it. X (I love your. Pacific Princess name)

Lea
Active Member
Lea (@lea-jhene)
9 months ago

Wonderful post April, thank you so much for posting it! I feel your conflict. It’s a struggle to balance what we want, feel, and the risk. I don’t want to have to trade anything I like, but finding a permanent place for my feminine side feels so risky and full of losing and gaining.

If only it was all as simple as changing hair style. At first, the new look is a shock, but quickly it’s accepted and everyone moves on.

Amanda Woods
Member
Amanda Woods (@amandawoods)
9 months ago

God bless you, and best of luck, stay beautiful, I understand your story!

Rochelle Mills
Baroness
Active Member
Rochelle Mills (@rochellem)
9 months ago

Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story! Life has its seasons, and it seem like the femme season for many of us is in later adulthood, after the kids are out of the house and perhaps also when we are in or nearing retirement. I fully expect I will dress more frequently in a few years when I retire. I could imagine living as a woman much more of the time (few days at a stretch perhaps), but I think I’d still switch to guy mode for half the time. But it’s hard to say what balance will feel right in… Read more »

Samantha G.....
Ambassador
Active Member
Samantha G..... (@samantha2015)
9 months ago

Thanks for sharing April. I think so many of us feel the same way.

Hugs….

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