I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.
What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.
A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.
I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness. Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.
I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common. Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.
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