I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.

What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.

A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.

Live Sessions - Session 2

I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness.  Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.

I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common.  Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.

Hugs,

April

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April (Pacific Princess)

I am finally exploring transitioning after years of thinking about it. I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy raising my family. I started dressing again a few years ago, and lately I have realized that I am TG, not simply someone who likes to crossdress. I finally like who I am, and though I am moving closer and closer to who I want to be, I'm not quite sure who that is yet. I recently started dressing almost every day, and it is interesting, but the more I explore my female self and the closer I get to moving ahead with transitioning the more relaxed my style gets. I'm still a bit of a perfectionist though, and love going “all out” when the time calls for it. I'm just finally at peace with who I am and can't wait to keep moving forward.

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Glory
Member
Glory (@glory)
8 months ago

What are your wife’s thoughts on you transitioning? My wife tolerates Glory but cringes at the thought of intimacy with her ‍♂️. That’s fair though as I would fell the same if she was dressed like a man she has no lesbian feelings (how easy would that make it). I guess it depends on where a persons relationship sits and if there is any sex or love left in the relationship and if they are open to being just friends or an open relationship. It’s hard because we build such bonds over such a long time with both our partners… Read more »

Char
Ambassador
Active Member
Char (@charee)
5 months ago

In this movie called life on earth, we cruise around in these really cool avatars we call bodies, But, when we forget that, and think that this experience is “it”, we suffer. Understanding tat we are the “driver”, observing while participating , yet unaffected because we are participating in a holodeck type experience…
You got this April!
Namaste’
n huggles dear
Char

Bettylou Cox
Duchess
Active Member
Bettylou Cox (@bunnymom)
8 months ago

April,
Your story touches a chord with many of us here. Like you, I could never pass as a GG if someone took a real look; I’m far too old to consider any medical procedures; and I don’t want to lose my family. Yet, I think daily about how nice it would be to be Bettylou full-time.
You shouldn’t call yourself a pretender, because you ARE April, whether or not it shows on the outside. So, take what you have and make the most of it…and be happy with it.
Hugs,
Bettylou

Amanda Burton
Member
Amanda Burton (@theotherme)
8 months ago

April, you must follow what your heart desires, one must be two that blends together in life. We can’t always look like a model, but must take a leaf from the female gender, and use and highlight what we have to work with. Those that truly love you as the person you are will travel the road with you,for love will bridge the gender change for they understand beneath the exterior is still the true person they love and loves them. Happiness is yours to seek, find and enjoy, however you choose to live, that’s your right, the road may… Read more »

Amanda Burton
Member
Amanda Burton (@theotherme)
7 months ago

Enjoy sweetheart, the main thing is to show your daughter, no matter how you dress April she is still loved deeply and that will never change under any circumstances what so ever, regardless how far you travel as April.
I wish you all the best together and for the future.
LOL Amanda X

Char
Ambassador
Active Member
Char (@charee)
5 months ago

There is no-thing I have found sweeter my dear April, than the absolute inner calm and certainty I have only begun recently, to experience 24/7.

I don’t even have words to explain it well yet other than to say I have moved out of fear, and into love.
Today, I love my life…

Namaste’ sweet soul; own our beauty, you owe no one an explanation; you are free

Huggles for you April
Char

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