I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.
What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.
A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.
I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness. Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.
I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common. Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.
Hugs,
April
More Articles by April (Pacific Princess)
- 6 Years On……..
- Enjoying What We DO Have
- Why Do We Do What We Do?
- Musings on Depression….and Life
- My Escape
What are your wife’s thoughts on you transitioning? My wife tolerates Glory but cringes at the thought of intimacy with her ♂️. That’s fair though as I would fell the same if she was dressed like a man she has no lesbian feelings (how easy would that make it). I guess it depends on where a persons relationship sits and if there is any sex or love left in the relationship and if they are open to being just friends or an open relationship. It’s hard because we build such bonds over such a long time with both our partners… Read more »
My wife would not be accepting of me transitioning. She tolerates April, but really wants no part of my life as her. I love her, but this part of me wants to go further and I know she would not accept that. A conundrum to be sure.
In this movie called life on earth, we cruise around in these really cool avatars we call bodies, But, when we forget that, and think that this experience is “it", we suffer. Understanding tat we are the “driver", observing while participating , yet unaffected because we are participating in a holodeck type experience…
You got this April!
Namaste’
n huggles dear
Char
April,
Your story touches a chord with many of us here. Like you, I could never pass as a GG if someone took a real look; I’m far too old to consider any medical procedures; and I don’t want to lose my family. Yet, I think daily about how nice it would be to be Bettylou full-time.
You shouldn’t call yourself a pretender, because you ARE April, whether or not it shows on the outside. So, take what you have and make the most of it…and be happy with it.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Thank you love
April, you must follow what your heart desires, one must be two that blends together in life. We can’t always look like a model, but must take a leaf from the female gender, and use and highlight what we have to work with. Those that truly love you as the person you are will travel the road with you,for love will bridge the gender change for they understand beneath the exterior is still the true person they love and loves them. Happiness is yours to seek, find and enjoy, however you choose to live, that’s your right, the road may… Read more »
I have thought about this at length often. I know the only one in my family that would accept me as April is my youngest daughter. She is awesome and so supportive. We are going out this Sunday for a Galantines Day! She is special.
April
Enjoy sweetheart, the main thing is to show your daughter, no matter how you dress April she is still loved deeply and that will never change under any circumstances what so ever, regardless how far you travel as April.
I wish you all the best together and for the future.
LOL Amanda X
🙂
There is no-thing I have found sweeter my dear April, than the absolute inner calm and certainty I have only begun recently, to experience 24/7.
I don’t even have words to explain it well yet other than to say I have moved out of fear, and into love.
Today, I love my life…
Namaste’ sweet soul; own our beauty, you owe no one an explanation; you are free
Huggles for you April
Char
Thank you for sharing. indeed most of us are truly torn individuals. I too am. especially the part about “OK with my male life, yet wanting more"…
God, Alice you sound so much like me. I want so much to at least be en femme full time but at 75 I can’t really pass. And I can’t afford the surgery. My family is grown up and out of college and knows about my dressing. Though I not sure she realizes the extent I would like to go to.
I wish you success on your journey and please let us know how you get on!
Hugs
Leslie