As I sit here (in my LBD, wig, light make-up, and my favorite heels) on the cusp of my 68th birthday, I’ve come to the place, as I explained to my grandkids, known as the fork in the road. Which road do I take? I’m in relatively good heath, have been married for 35 years to a good woman, have two adult children, and have three loving granddaughters. Our son and daughter-in-law (with the granddaughters) live a few miles from our very small town. It’s a farming community, and it feels as if everyone knows us. We have lived and worked here for 11 years.
My crossdressing began like most of the folks I’ve read about on CDH. (I’ve read almost everything there is to read on this site). Got into my mom’s drawers at a very young age. I did love the feeling of nylons, bras, panties, and dresses. I played sports, had girlfriends, and did the usual stuff guys did in the ’70s. I turned 21; bars and taverns were the places for me. I still played sports, but always to have a beer. I developed a love affair with alcohol and drugs.
I got married at 25 and started to raid my wife’s drawers, underdressing (mostly when drunk). It ended quickly because of it. The second time, my drinking and drugging escalated as did my fondness for my wife’s underclothes. Luckily, my wife gave me a choice, alcohol and drug treatment or she would leave. I choose treatment. That’s where I learned that I am an alcoholic. She still ended up leaving me, but I am forever grateful as she helped me understand my alcoholism. It took a few years, but sobriety finally stuck. Sober now for 16 years.
I married a wonderful lady 35 years ago with two small kids. In 2018, I took a job that required traveling out of town a few nights a week. Wham! My desire to underdress came back 10 times stronger than before. Next thing I knew I was underdressing, driving dressed, and packing an extra suitcase for my hotel stays. I only ventured out underdressed. I really didn’t know anything about crossdressing. You know, just thought I had a fetish and felt guilty, but enjoyed the feeling of the clothes on my skin. It’s not so much of a sexual release, but more of a feeling of liking to wear the clothes. This continued until retirement a few years ago. My wife still works seasonally. In the winter, I started dressing during the days she was gone, and thankfully I found CDH then. I’ve learned so much here that I can’t thank you all enough.
The fork in the road. This past year, I started collecting clothes and undergarments. I started by wearing my wife’s panties. I just put them in the laundry as usual. One day she exclaimed, “I don’t remember wearing these.” I confessed to her that I sometimes wear them. She wasn’t amused. A few weeks went by and while we were at Walmart she picked up a pair of panties and I asked if I could get some for myself? She said ok if it’s what I want to do. I bought some like hers, and then asked about a bra? “If that’s what you want.”
We purchased matching silk nighties. I thought, “Great she’s ok with this.” We wore out matching nighties a few times, and I continued to dress during the days she worked, always changing before she got home. One day she came home early. I raced into the room to get out of my outfit but couldn’t. I just left it on. She had seen me dressed a few times before, so it wasn’t a total shocker, but her attitude towards Billie began to change.
I tried to tone it down, take it slow. I’ve ordered wigs, make-up, lipstick, stockings, bras, and more clothes. I haven’t hidden anything except the wigs and makeup. My lipstick is neutral. When I do my nails (not often enough) I use clear and recently I shaved my legs. My desire to dress has increased. I want to go all-in with breast forms and body shapers. I have a strong desire to go out in public. I am worried that if I order forms, etc. I should get a PO Box as this might put a strain or even be the end of our marriage. But I hate secrets. I have been out once fully dressed at night and it was so exciting!
My wife has been colder than usual to me. She is not overly affectionate, to begin with, and I don’t have much of a sex drive anymore, but her cold shoulder is becoming a sore spot in our relationship. I suspect she might have found my wig stash or is upset about the clothes I’ve bought lately. When I ask, she says nothing is wrong.
I’ve decided to take a trip by myself in our travel trailer. I have been collecting clothes, a new wig, and accessories. I am working up the courage to go out during the day and evening. I want to look my best, so I am working on makeup, etc. I am excited about this trip but very worried about what the end result will be. Is this going to be my “fork in the road” time? How will I feel after spending those few days en femme? Will I want to dress more freely when I get home? And most importantly, what about my wife?
I think the thought of my dressing makes her physically ill. I suspect she knows this trip is for me to get out and that worries her. Should I tell her my plans? I realize if I want to pursue this further, I must have the talk with her again. (We’ve had a talk before, but it was not to this extreme). I’m asking for advice, suggestions, and comments.
Hugs…Billie Jean
Hi Billie Jean, Great article! This is an article that I could have written myself. Every word stuck a chord in me. Congratulations on your sobriety! 16 years is a long time, way to go! My wife is also cold to my need to crossdress. We’ve had the talk a couple of times and I also tried a letter. I thought that if I could just explain myself without interruption then I could help her understand. No dice. So, I dress when she isn’t home and keep my things out of sight. I try to convince myself that I’m protecting… Read more »
Hi Jillian. Thank you for your kind words. Yes there are many of us in the same canoe! My trip to the “fork in the road “proved to be very enlightening. I was able to dress when I wanted, how I wanted to a certain degree. I did make one trip out fully en femme. Went to Walmart which turned out to be the scariest thing I’ve done. But I did it and glad I did. In regards to your situation I suggest taking it slow and trying to live within our means. This is what my trip taught me.… Read more »
Billie Jean, Congratulations on your sobriety! I took my last drink in 1991. Ordered into treatment by the US Navy and subsequently found lasting sobriety in the AA program. Your sobriety is the single most important thing to maintain! Your cross dressing? It will not go away. As the previous poster, Jillian, said, I wish I had the magic words for you, but I don’t. At a minimum, it sounds like your wife is still willing to talk? Any chance of finding a competent and experienced counselor in your area that your spouse would be willing to go to, with… Read more »
Hi Peggy Sue. Congrats to you on your sobriety also! Yes AA saved my ass. Without the support of my fellow sober folks I think/know I’d be dead. It is the single most important thing in my life. As you know AA is an honest program. That is the biggest problem with my CDing. I haven’t been able to be totally honest with my wife. I rationalize that we are in a “don’t know, don’t tell” relationship. One that I’m not totally comfortable with. The biggest thing I came away with from my “fork in the road” trip is that… Read more »
First, congrats on being sober. I’m no expert but your situation is like so many other CD’s and the best advice I can give is to see if she will go to therapy with you and try to understand. If not then you probably should prepare for the worse. It seems some wives appear to accept it at first thinking its just a phase we will get tired of but its not and when they realize that, then it just eats at them until lawyers are involved. I know thats not good news but we have to face reality. Trust… Read more »
Thank you Michelle. Yes trust is the key issue for us. Myself I can not live a lie. Our relationship is currently in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” stage. For me at this time I’m ok with that. We will be taking a few trips the next couple of months and I really don’t have a desire to dress in these trips. The test will be later this fall and winter when she goes back to work. That will be the time I have to myself and has been the time of year I started dressing. Thank you for your… Read more »
There is no guarantee as to whether your spouse will ultimate accept, tolerate or reject your feminine side. Ultimately, you will either come to the point where you can’t NOT let your feminine side live, OR you may-difficult though it is-decide to stop and lose that part of yourself. And how your wife reacts will tip the balance one way or the other. but you mentioned trust and one thing you need to NEVER do if you want to earn even a modicum of trust is using HER things without HER specific permission each and every time ESPECIALLY her “unmentionables".… Read more »
Hi Skippy. Thank you for your reply. I agree. Trust is the key. I’m in a good space now. Grateful to All CDH girls for their support. And yes I have my own clothes so no more wearing hers!
Hugs…Billie
Billie Jean, I will be 64 my next birthday. I haven’t had to struggle with dependency as you have – you are brave to work through that like you have. But I do struggle with dressing. Not that I ever got to the point I wanted. But my wife is working from home now and looks like forever. She’s never too far from me, and not keen on this side of my life. I’m trapped.
Thank you for your reply Garnett. I too struggle with dressing. It’s on my mind often. Writing my article helped and taking my trip alone helped even more. Good luck to you on your journey. CDH is a safe place.
Hugs…Billie
Billie, your road sounds so much like many I’ve read here and some similarities to my own. I myself will be 67 in 2 weeks and at this point wondering how far I want to go with my own crossdressing. Last year as my state was opening up from covid I went to Ulta to have my hair colored. The only comments I have had on my hair is that I should get it cut. I used covid as an excuse not to get it cut and for the last several moths have tied it back in a ponytail when… Read more »
Hi Sandy. I love your hair! Wish I still had some. Dealing with wigs is a pain. When I went on my trip I was able to keep them out but sadly now they are in the closet hidden away. Cool that you are able to get mani/pedis. And getting your nails done too. Good luck to you on your journey.
Hugs…Billie
Hi Billie Jean.
Very well written snd as others have said, this is so familiar to so many of us. It could almost be mirrored.
It certainly has been a rollercoaster from such an early age with so many highs and even more lows.
Thank you for taking the time to write this.
Take care snd would love to chat sometime.
Steph x
Hi Steph. Thank you for your kind words. I’m happy to chat with you anytime. I’ll send you a friend request!
Hugs…Billie
Hey Billie Jean. Great Article, Thanks for sharing. Congratulations on your sobriety. I can understand how frustrating your situation is, sometimes just knowing one way or the other is better then not really being sure what is going to happen. Like some have said here your desire to Crossdress will probably never go away so from there to need to factor into your relationship how often you are able to do this and does the time you get to dress satisfy you needs? If not then if you don’t deal with it one way or another it may become something… Read more »
Hi Sarah. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My week alone allowed me to explore where I’m at. My wife and I are in a good place right now. But yes if it comes to the time for laying the cards on the table I certainly will do just that. Life is short. I appreciate you and all the girls at CDH.
Hugs…Billie
Hi Billie Jean, Nearly every girl on CDH has traveled the same road as you, and a few have lost their families, also as a consequence of this thing we do. `If you look, you will find that a majority of the girls here are 50-plus, and all of us will tell you that the urge gets stronger as we get older. And no, it won’t go away and no, you can’t stop. For this reason, and because I don’t believe spouses should keep secrets from each other, I always advise having a Full Disclosure talk. It will reveal what… Read more »
Thank you Bettelou. I’ve followed you since the beginning of my CDH and admire your posts. Thank you for your advise. I agree this “thing” will never go away. I’m just finding out where I’m at in this journey. As of today my wife and I are good. Thanks again for being there for us.
Hugs…Billie
Congratulations on your sobriety, Billie Jean! So many of us are where you are in our SO relationships. My wife is slowly getting to a grudging level of tolerance. I doubt she will ever be very accepting or embrace it as part of me that can’t just be hidden away. Of course, it’s early days, and what we all need to make sure of is that our SO’s aren’t losing us, just seeing a part of us that we simply have to express. Hang in there, and don’t let the issues cause you to relapse, please! You have a lot… Read more »
Hi Billie Jean, your article reflects what goes through my mind and many others. Many of us have a long and lasting relationship and do not want to hurt or upset our partner. Maybe this is why they call us through gentle men and with this brings a strong feminine side in us. For me, it is always a fine balance, how far do you push the limits. All I can say, continue to be gentle through baby steps. And yes, I want to dress more often at home and in public. Thank you for expressing what a lot of… Read more »
Hi Denise. Thank you for commenting on my article. What a lovely thought. Yes we are gentle men. I know that I have. Become more understanding and forgiving since accepting me female qualities. Good luck on your journey and continued relationships.
Hugs…Billie