Reply To: Came out to the wife today…

[Mona]

Tricia,

My heart goes out to you.  Give her space and reassure her that she should feel free to express her thoughts and feeling.  She is in shock, and if she does not want to talk at all, respect that.  Let her go at her pace and don’t force it.  Give her the time and space she needs to process this.

All that said, if she IS inclined to talk, then communicate honestly and keep communicating.  In the end, honest communication is the only way through this.

Finally, if and when she is ready, there are some extremely helpful resources available here at CDH.  Under the articles tab, you can find the “significant others perspectives.” Among the most useful articles for you right now could be this one: https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/to-the-partner-of-a-newly-outed-crossdresser-krista-editing/.  There are numerous other ones like this.

With time she might also consider joining the significant others group here.  But again, don’t force it.  Hopefully, you will reach a point of understanding where she might be interested in participating here, or at least reading some of the articles.  But I suspect that her reaction right now, and probably for some time, will be that she does not WANT to try to understand.  In many ways, coming out probably feels akin to the loss of a loved one, with all the accompanying stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, etc.).

Just give her time and space and don’t force things.  It’s been almost three years since I came out to my wife and she is still hesitant to discuss it – she tells me she is still processing and that is fine with me.  As much as I would love to follow my own advice and regularly communicate with her about this, I stick to the idea that she should be the one to bring it up in conversation.  If her way of processing is to not talk about it, I am willing to live with that.  We basically have a don’t ask, don’t tell agreement.  I know this is contradictory to my own advice, but this is no easy road to navigate – everyone is different.

Please hang in there, and I hope you and your wife are able to find your way through this difficult time.

Mona