I completely agree with everything Honey and Mandy said. However, have you had professional therapy? Or have you just been trying to DIY your way through this? That’s about the only part you can control at this point, involving a professional who understands the subject well and can guide you to the correct path.
When it comes to your wife, Mandy said it very well. Avoiding to talk about it is the only way to ensure that she comes up with the answers that fit the narrative in her head, even if they are not the real answers. And if she does the same as you, I don’t see this having a happy ending. You are in damage control mode, I am afraid. Not much else is in your control.
I can only tell you how I would have reacted if I was in her shoes. I would have started putting an escape plan in place and one day he would have come back to an empty house, with only the divorce papers waiting for him. Because the time to talk would have been when it happened, not after I had already made my decision. You know your wife and her tolerance level, of course. But people can surprise us, even when we think we know them well. Good luck.