Hi Melanie
I think you need to engage with her, and really try to make it as much about her as possible.
After all, you’ve probably had years, if not decades to try to come to terms with the fact you need to dress, and she hasn’t.
She is trying to come to terms with her own feelings about this, and has a ton of questions she feels uncomfortable to ask in case it provokes arguments, or provides answers that she doesn’t want to hear.
She’ll have made a lot of incorrect assumptions, as most people turn to friends or Auntie Google, both of whom are brilliant for uninformed answers.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone wanting to express themselves via clothing – so the biggest major hurdle is yourself.
You must either fully accept and embrace your feminine desires – chances are, they’ve been there as long as you can remember, and will never go away – or, alternatively, drop it.
I am not an expert, but from my own experience, and the written experiences of most ladies here, there’s no halfway house.
It’s a long process, so take it a step at a time.
The main things to focus on are
1. Your relationship with her. Was it going well before the dressing arose, or have there been fundamental issues for a while?
What attracted you to her and vice versa? You are still the same person, and a new person has not suddenly entered the relationship, even though it may seem that way to her. Concentrate on being the man she loves – you are still him.
Make time to plan an activity to do together, just the two of you.
2. Negotiating time for you. The vicar at the church I attended in the choir when young said the same thing to all couples he married: Love means giving the other person room to be themselves.
Maybe there’s something she’d like to do, like spend a day at a spa, see friends, etc.
For yourself, book a hotel in a town some way away, and dress to your heart’s content. Go out, have a meal, shop. Be your feminine self and see how it fits, away from your usual surroundings.
3. Make time to talk, about your relationship, things you enjoyed together in the past, things you’d like to do together, yes, and the subject of cross dressing.
On the latter, you’ll probably feel very defensive, maybe apologetic, especially if you know it upsets her, and all kinds of emotions.
But this is what I was getting at in 1.
How does she feel?
This is the bit that will take most time, as she probably doesn’t know herself.
Really try just to listen, and take each question on board as something to think about and return to for the next discussion. This is essential. The conversation must be kept going, through all the painful bits.
The end game is love.
If you truly want to end the pain and save the relationship, you can. But it’s the long haul and won’t happen overnight, as there are too many issues to cover.
But stay strong and true to yourself – this phrase is getting a bit worn out by the media, but, especially for people like us, it is so true.
After many years of struggle, I finally feel like I’m making a little headway with my wife – recently she has even been teasing me a bit about my cross dressing.
This is a lovely turn of events for me – so much nicer than snarky comments, or stone wall silence.
This is the right place for support – I wish you all the things I’d wish for myself and my wife.
But first, think of something she really likes and act on it. Now.
Maybe a present, maybe a little out of the way place she likes to go – maybe just a TV show or movie she likes.
It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just a small act of love, expecting nothing in return.
Even if the reactions aren’t what you hoped for, stay calm and focussed on the long game.
Good luck to you both, honey!
Love Laura
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