Hi Stevie You have brought up so many issues that have to do with our community. Depression, SO awareness, fear of others finding out, being envious of others, shame, guilt purging these and many more are so much a part of our community, We all have dealt with these issues at any many points in our lives. When it gets a little overwhelming that is the time to seek help as you have done here. We here represent multiple generations from many parts of the world and so many different cultures. We all have the same feelings and we all want to express them one way or another. It can be frustrating to say the least not being able to express them without fear of losing everything you have gained or love. So many of us do not have access or feel they do not have access to mental health professionals. Some of us have the access and still are afraid to ask for help. I have had many therapist in my life and there has been only two that have really helped me. The only reason the two were able to help I was honest and truthful with them. It begins with you being honest with your self by accepting that your feelings are real. These feelings are not going away no matter how much you try to divert your attention by activities, drugs, alcohol, marriage, having children, work success, you name it we as a community have done it trying to hide those feelings. We all want to look in the mirror and see a image of a feminine pretty woman. Our internal identity has to be expressed some how some way. We were only given one body do deal with and we have to make the best of what we were given. That can include hormone modification or even surgery in some cases , It all begins with accepting who you are as a person first then you can deal with the outward appearance. The options for modifying the outward appearance are endless as you know. There are isles and isles of products and clothing that promise that can help you improve that image. If you take the the time to notice most of the models are in their late teens or early twenties and have been given exceptional bodies and even if they were not given it those bodies naturally there are so many services that are more than willing to help for a COST. Do not get caught up in trying to create the image that the multi billion dollar industries have created so you can feel better about your self.Take the time to work on your inner self. When you do that your inner beauty will come out and it will be noticed for sure. We have been given a special gift. Some would call it a curse. We have been given the ability to more nurturing, empathetic, sensitive to others feelings, to find beauty were others see ugly if we allow those feelings to come out we can show the outside world who we most identify with, that being the female gender. Those qualities are always welcomed in any environment in any part of the world. When people see you adding to those qualities by adding a little color or shape to your clothing it will almost be accepted if not expected. Never be ashamed of who you are as a person but first take the time to discover and nurture who you are as a whole person. If others find you offense for some reason then find people that will welcome those qualities no matter what clothing you choose to wear. You can begin right here. You are surrounded by loving caring people that only want to help you feel better about your self as a person.