Oh gosh, what a painful situation for you and your wife!
I’m just wondering, was there a part of you that wanted her to know, by leaving it on your desk (even if under other papers)? Keeping secrets, especially from your spouse, is hard work and a strain on all of your being, physical, spiritual and emotional.
I can only speak from a wife’s perspective here, and I’m talking about my previous marriage (of 15 years) at this point. When I look back, it was my ex-husband’s inability/refusal to talk about questions/issues about us as individuals and between us that I feel most angry and betrayed about.
It’s not the questions/issues themselves, more the way he went about dealing with them.For me it felt like coming up against an immovable brick wall. Actually, a silent, immovable brick wall. There was absolutely no opportunity for growth there, either together or for myself. And that ended in me having to look for growth outside our partnership, after he had left obviously.
My opinion of him now? Ah Jeez, so immature and basically like a sulky adolescent. I deserved so much more. And funnily enough, he’s with a much younger woman now.
So, back to you. Can you find a counsellor? One who specialises in gender questions? For yourself obviously. And/or maybe a marriage counsellor. I think it might help in learning how to speak to each other.
My partner now went to marriage counselling when he was preciously married, and I can absolutely tell that from the way he interacts with me when there’s something to talk over. We can talk about stuff in a calm way. And importantly it feels like there’s space and time to reflect without becoming overwhelmed by whatever feelings we may be having. So I feel like I can be very open and honest with him and that there’s the space and time for me to be so.
And as someone who had been to counselling for my anxiety, I can totally attest to how much it’s helped me learn not only to deal with it, but to talk about it with other people (when I want to/need to).
So yes, a big thumbs up for all of that from me. Perhaps something to look into and find out about? And maybe include your wife in that discussion too? Because you are married.