Stephanie,
You and I have talked about this quite a bit, and I struggle the same way you do. Sometimes I feel like Cassie where I simply wished I was a girl, but I am not…at least not physically born that way. This is very much a source of frustration for me. I even wrote about it in a post a while back.
I have tried to quit a few times as well but I spent almost the whole day this past Monday as Dana. I transformed into Dana just before noon and drove almost four hours to Indiana, checked into my hotel, drove over to Target to buy a few things and then back to the hotel…all as Dana. Sometimes on my business trips I have the opportunity to do this. Obviously I did not go to my business meeting as Dana. LOL The point is after trying to quit, I have fallen back into it. I don’t think the people I care about would understand this side of me.
So is it more important for me to do whatever I want, possibly what makes me happy, even though it MAY cause grief and anguish for those I care about I do I accept that burden so I do not cause others with unnecessary pain or stress?
That is the big question for me. I agree with many here that I think we are “wired” a little different. It does not make who we are wrong or right. It is just different. Society says this is not “normal”, at least in the circles I run in. I may be completely wrong as maybe everyone I know would accept me as Dana. I highly doubt it, but hey…stranger things have happened.
Unfortunately, like we have discussed many times, there is no absolute on this issue. Each of us has to decide for ourselves what is best of us. I actually do believe the willpower thing. I think we can build up our willpower to quit and quit for good if that is what we DECIDE to do. That does not mean the urges will go away. I don’t think they will ever go away. Our feelings and urges are not something we can fully control. But we CAN CONTROL our actions and words. I believe that. The big question is, do I WANT to quit. Really. I may say that to myself, but do I really believe it? I struggle with that. I struggle with that a lot.
There are so many WONDERFUL people here on CDH. So kind. So supportive. So accepting. I don’t think anyone would fault you if you do what makes you happy. How you define happiness is your decision. But whatever you decide, I am grateful for our friendship and for the friendship of everyone here on CDH.
Thank you for sharing this and being so open about it. It is an important topic for many of us. The struggle is real and I am afraid not going away anytime soon. Hugs…..Dana.
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