Hi Vanessa,
You didn’t ruin anything – you found out something really valuable about yourself!
I know this sounds a bit like psikology, but bear with me…
I know that feeling of stagefright well – it’s the adrenaline, and it’s gone through the roof.
You really, really want this like a need – but you’re not quite ready.
This is the valuable thing!
Like any other artist, you need to practice the craft a bit before you go out on stage, or you’ll absolutely know deep inside that you can’t do this YET.
Therefore, as you correctly surmised, practice somewhere away from a town – go for a country walk somewhere you’re only likely to encounter joggers or dog walkers.
Are you confident in your appearance en femme yet?
Take pictures of yourself in different outfits, practise makeup until you like what you see – I mean really like it, even though it won’t be perfect.
Really enjoy the walks, and welcome brief encounters with a smile and a soft “Hello”, “Good morning”, whatever, without expecting any response. You will love being dressed and outdoors, so love it and let it show in your smile.
In no time you’ll feel ready to take on a town – but this time, have a mission planned – like going to a coffee shop, grabbing a drink, finding a bench and drinking while watching the world go by, then back to the car.
Or plan an item to purchase, and just go buy it. No ifs or buts, JDI.
Remember the disappointment of not doing it – that’s an incredibly valuable lesson. You are letting yourself know just how important it is to you.
You could waste a lot of time trying to figure out why it’s important – I’m not sure any of us really know, but something drives us, and I suspect it’s that most basic of human needs – the need to express yourself freely.
Contextual caution is sensible, but we need to find our own place, our own balance and our own context in order to own the feelings and emerging personality.
It’s a very special and beautiful thing, and, like gardening, is a long term performance art.
Ultimately, it’s what you want to do and, if you’re anything like most of us, it’ll never go away or be fully crushed, so enjoy short moments and build it up, take it back – own it!
She isn’t a vampire. She’s your guardian Angel.
Love Laura
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