When I was around 10, I had my first interest in female clothing and felt very out of place for feeling like that…
When I was 15, I had my first gf and hoped that it would be an end to my feminine feelings I was having all the time…
When I was 19, I hoped a gap year abroad would help me find myself and clear my head of all those growing feminine feelings.
When I graduated university at 23, I hoped that this feminine ‘phase’ could finally be put to bed and hoped that my mind would now concentrate on my career.
When I was 29, I got married and thought that this must be the turning point, the end of all those built up feminine feelings. I truly believed they would finally disappear…
I am now 35, I have just as many things or possibly more commitments going on in my life then at any other time in my life, but the only difference now compared to any other time is that I finally accepted that my feminine side is here to stay and is a really important part of my life… And I want to embrace it now.
But that’s the key here for me… I want to embrace it ‘now’ . I didn’t want to embrace it on this level at any other stage of my life that I was having these thoughts, and neither do I believe I should have.
Would I be more passable if I had decided I wanted to do this at 18? Most definitely, and I would probably have had a near 2 decades of actually practicing and training and style matching, to be as convincing and passable as I could possibly get myself to be today… (And probably a lot less barbie pink in my closet!)
But it definitely wouldn’t have been me if I had started back then. I didn’t have the wisdom, the mentality or any experiences in life that would have made me decide to be brave and accept that dressing is too important for me to not address seriously. Past some vague youthful aesthetics, there would be nothing to identify and convince me that I was that person as I just wouldn’t be able to relate. It just personally wouldn’t have been me.
Of course I think about the ‘what ifs’ and turning points that could have happened. But being ‘myself’ is the most important and first thing I want. Me with the life I’ve had so far AND now with the feminine side I have finally accepted. For whatever reason, the girl inside wasn’t ready to debut any earlier then she did, and I don’t think any good will come from me regretting that she didnt …
… And I don’t want to.
Because right now, and tomorrow are far more important for me. I want to know and love the girl I am today, and I am excited for what she will become tomorrow… not what she never was.
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