He has an adrenaline addiction. And it’s fed through the same kind of destructive addictions such gambing and pornography.
While a c’der, I’m also deeply conservative. Porn of any description doesn’t beong in the marriage. And boundaries keeping your relationship sacred is paramount.
What your partner is doing, is far different to having a secret cd fetish / compulsion – where you are fearful of sharing with your SO.
Thank you. It’s reassuring to hear my experience validated. I feel very alone at the moment.
He does like crossdressing. He was very scared of telling me. He’s felt the urge to wear women’t clothes since he was 8 years old. I absolutely believe that. And it’s not a deal breaker for me.
But the other stuff? I’m not OK with it – absolutely not OK with it.
My ex husband had affairs for the last 6 years of our marriage (sometimes with girls 20 years younger than me). At the time I didn’t understand what was happening. I mean, why would your spouse cheat? You’ve made promises to each other.
Anyway, what he set up was a dynamic where I felt compelled to compete with the affair partner. Again, I’ll say I didn’t understand what was happening, but looking back, that was the dynamic. And that competition was unfair – I didn’t know. And I was never going to measure up. I was always going to be the loser. Because I was competing against a fantasy.
I absolutely agree with the other things you’ve said: the adrenaline and the compulsion. He’s talked about the compulsion and gets that it’s an attempt to fill something inside him.
I told him lots of people have that void. It’s just that as adults we choose how to deal with it. Chasing addictions of whatever sort…we all know how that goes, how it makes you feel after the rush. He knows it diminishes him, he’s told me how bad he feels. So as an adult you make a different choice – a healthier one – because you know where the other path leads. If you want to, are capable, have the support, whatever…but the decisions and actions are your choice and your responsibility.
So at the moment (and it’s been less than 24 hours since I found out) I’m thinking of standing by the sidelines and watching what he does to deal with it.
But that might change. And I’m OK with that.
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and post.