Oh F&S that’s rubbish! You are obviously very “in tune”, with your own feelings and awareness of situations to know that something wasn’t right, and that protective instinct you have for yourself is good and will help you look after yourself, whatever that outcome may be.
As for your fiance, Im firmly of the opinion that if you are in a committed relationship you shouldn’t be looking elsewhere, full stop. We all have our harmless fantasies (mainly about celebs on TV and in Films) but actively seeking out advances from others isn’t right, and could also be dangerous.
Dressing can just be a sex fantasy, or it can be more than that with the sex fantasy element there as well and there is nothing wrong with that as long as both partners are happy but the secretive stuff is not ok, made even more so because of your history with your ex-husband!!
I truly hope your fiance has found a good therapist and can work through things, addiction is a difficult one, and I honestly don’t know how you begin to deal with that I’m afraid. One step at a time, one day at a time and your thoughts of standing on the sidelines and watching what evolves, while looking after yourself, sounds like a good option for now as you will also be in a state of shock, hurt and betrayal as well and need time to process those emotions as well.
Yeah, my ex husband was also an alcoholic (so I realise now, looking back). One of those ‘high functioning’ ones, super successful and everyone thought he was brilliant.
I did go to the family based AA thing after he left and I learnt a lot from that.
So this does sound like an addition to me. It’s something to ‘fill the void’, an adrenaline rush, a temporary fix, but something that’s akin to self harm as well. He’s even said it feels like a compulsion, he ca’t understand why he does it.
There’s absolutely nothing I can do about that. I didn’t cause it and I can’t control it…that’s what I learnt.
And that actually makes me feel a little better.
I don’t know if this is a turning point for him. I don’t think it’s ever been as much out in the open as it is now, with me.
So, you know, we’ll see what unfolds.