You should consider getting your partner to join here, it will help him as well as you. From my point of view, it’s not about judging your partner it’s about saying what I think is the correct way of doing things. If someone wants to be accepted as a crossdresser then they have to respect the other persons point of view. If you want to support your partner you have to respect their point of view, you may not agree with it but you have to respect it. For you both to move forward with this their needs to be respect on both sides, form what you say, this clearly is not the case at the moment. Your partner needs to up his game and see things from your point of view. In showing respect, it’s not just about accepting you have a different point of view, but also that your needs and desires as far as possible are met. This means compromise, because you are trying to accept your partner it does not give him the right to do what ever he wants, it only means you have started to accept some of what he wants. We live in the real world, ideally I would crossdress every day, but that is not possible, not because I couldn’t do it, but because I have to work within the structure myself and partner have. So respect is the key, it’s not the answer, it’s just the starting point.
You say your partner has a lot of self loathing, sometimes this is also due to respect, lack of respect for himself. This sometimes comes about because the crossdresser feels guilty for what he is doing, now assuming it’s only crossdressing, then their is nothing to feel guilty about once you accept that this is part of you, but often it’s there under the surface, and it will not go away until he fully accepts who he really is (he possibly does not know at the moment). But as you rightly say this is not an excuse for his actions……………..