I’ve mentioned several times that I vividly remember a summer day when I might have been 4 or no older than the next summer when I was 5 that I asked my mother to make me a dress. And she did, a full dress out of kraft paper and I played in it that afternoon in the yard until it tore.
Thinking back on all that I have come to realize that to make that request I must have thought rather deeply about it, and me, for a significant amount of time before that moment. I’ve never been as far as I can remember an impulsive person. I like to think about things a lot before I tend to act upon them.
And now some complexity enters in. My father died in an accident in the fall of my 4th year and my mother was devastated. I had an older and a younger brother and I suspect she had hoped for a girl with her 2nd pregnancy . I also am more emotionally open than my siblings and she might have turned to me for some solace and being me I might have wanted to do what I could to meet her desires…or not.
I suspect a therapist could have a field day with me but over the years my feelings and desires have grown and become much more specific even with her sort of finding out and admonishing me. So maybe not.
Alli do know is I started then and quickly learned to keep it to myself and explore it more and more as the feelings only increased and I grew up.