I would suggest doing as many of the things you enjoy together as possible: treat her as a friend more than a lover for now.
She’s obviously very confused by it all still – I think that my wife is only properly getting her head around it 2 years down the line – and it’s not like I haven’t dropped hints over the past 20 years or so – on our 2nd Valentine’s day, I presented her with a maid’s outfit.
That didn’t go down as well as the champagne, chocolates and strawberries, so I put it on and started to tidy her student apartment. We had a lot of fun!
And still, despite this and other cross dressing episodes, the penny obviously hadn’t dropped, hence the talk.
We’ve had several discussions, many of which didn’t go well – I got to a point after my first couple of Brighton outings where I realised that I really could be myself and nobody else has any right to tell me who I am or how I can present myself, so I put my foot down in a manly way (driven by the strong female inside), and told her outright that her attitude is bigoted.
Because that’s the truth.
It was a massive risk, but I felt that a good future depends on big risks every now and then. It was my feeling and I acted on it – I wasn’t looking for a reply, and she didn’t have one, unusually for a lawyer.
Our relationship has been improving since I dropped that bombshell – I can’t recommend it for everyone – but the point is that you do need the patience and provide the support and friendship your SO needs – but you have the right to your own space and needs too.
For me, cross dressing is a need. I won’t expand on this occasion, but I recognise it as one, therefore I will defend and protect that space.
But I also defend and protect my wife’s space, and try to be a good father to our children and a good companion to her, whatever that means.
Being locked in together seems to have brought back some of the original spark in our relationship at last – it’s only taken 18 months, but it’s going well, so it does and can work.
I’ve said other defensive stuff too – but at long intervals. One carefully chosen phrase that acts like a hand grenade. But a grenade packed with truth, and the intent of driving understanding – analysed for side-effects of division, which is not the intent.
Yes, the word “Bigot” is harsh and laced with all kinds of misunderstanding – but, to an English graduate like my wife, it was a perfect hit.
That’s why it worked for me, but may not for others. I knew she will have thought about it, and why I chose that word.
“”A person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic towards a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group.”
It takes time and patience, but you won her over once, enough to decide upon getting married.
You can do it again – you’re the same person!
The best of luck to you in 2021 and beyond!
Laura your words always strike a chord with me. Thank you so much! I must put my foot down so that I can pick myself up and move forward.