My heart goes out to you in your ongoing grief. Even with time it never goes away does it? But it is tempered by fond memories, and even smiles, when a cherished memory comes to the fore, or a picture reminds you of what they looked like.
Both my parents are long gone now. Gone from life but not from my heart or memory. If you remember someone they are not completely gone are they? They will be with you until you go to join them. I still speak to my dad. I know he listens.
He died of a massive heart attack, outside the back door, on my mums birthday. I was away climbing in the Lake District, and wasn’t contactable, though the police did try. Poor mum was beside herself and needed me to be there. This was before mobile phones. My last memory of him was him waving me and my buddy Terry goodbye as we set off on our trip.
Ten years later Mum died of a ruptured aorta, after a sudden collapse, in the ambulance on the way to hospital. I should have been with her, but needed to sort her dog out and lock her house, so I said I would follow in my car.
I still feel guilty that I wasn’t there to hold her hand when she passed. I think she knew she was dying. Just as I wasn’t there for the four days when she needed me after dad died.
So I never got to say goodbye to either of them. My only consolation is that they did not suffer a long illness. God was kind and called them to His side suddenly.
When their house was sold I visited it on the last day. It had been dark, and dreary and empty for some months. But that day it was strangely full of light and joy. Dust motes were dancing in the sunlight streaming through the windows. It was full of peace and tranquility. They were there! In spirit. I could sense them. I knew it in my soul. They had come to say goodbye to the life we had shared there. I will never forget that revelation.