I read this post…. Went and looked at your photos. Wow! Gorgeous! I read your profile. So I am going to give my opinion…. I think your diving in just to see if you can pass was a subconscious excuse to convince your high achieving male self that there was no gender based or sexual based reason. Just gotta see if I can do it … Just gotta see if I can pass…. Gotta do it right and do it well….. Gotta work so hard to get things perfect……
Lots to concentrate on while keeping other things repressed. Wouldn’t want to allow one’s self to admit there was a deeper reason or a hidden desire. It was just to excel. I think if passing was truly your only goal, you wouldn’t be crossdressing every day. Passing was obviously proven a while ago.
I think you have finally “scratched the surface” of what lies beneath. Your just not sure how you feel about that when you view these feelings, thoughts, and ideas through your high achieving “manly” lenses.
Put the manly lenses aside. You are you no matter what you do. Explore and experience what ever you find interesting. You will find what feels right and what doesn’t. The discovery will be thrilling