Hi Jessica, wow – a lot to unpack! First, I want toi complement you for being committed to your relationship and trying to allow your SO to have a satisfying intimate experience. On the other hand, I don’t feel like you should have to be placed in a posiiton of mostly unsatisfying intimacy yourself.
I’m nt judging or criticizing – just saying where I come from. My wife and I have been together over 41 years and had our 40th anniversary last August. I have been a crossdresser in secret for most of my life and only came out to my wife last summer. She had no idea and it was a terrible shock (as I knew it would be). After some therapy and conversations, I realized that I was experiencing gender dysphoria for a long time and it caused me to pull unward and make her and oithers around me miserable along with me.
My wife is trying to cope, and we want to stay together if we can. I started HRT and will socially transition at the end of the year. We had an agreement eraly on that Brielle was not going to be in our bedroom, and I am okay with that while I’m “just” crossdressing. I have male pattern hair loss, so I will likely need a wig so I don’t look odd otherwise. All that to say I understand where you are coming from and it seems unfair for your SO to get all the excitement during intimacy and you get little or none.
My wife and I are fairly conservative and traditional otherwise, and she isn’t interested in beiung intimate with another woman. I fully understand and support her feelings, but I do hope she won’t see me as a woman (I can’t ever be a genetic woman in any case, of course), but as her husband who has changed appearance. We also have a no-go that there is room for only one vee-jay-jay in our home, and at my age I am not expecting to have that surgery. We have no idea how it will turn out, but we both are willing to try to stay together. I wish I could have just stayed a closeted CD but it won’t help me feel whole.
Now, WRT the fantasies outside the relationship, I feel like that is violating the marriage covenant whether a spouse is a CD or not. I have to admit, when I was considering coming out I looked online at photos on Tumblr and Flickr of very beautiful CDs and transwomen, but I didn’t like seeing the “goods”. For me it spoils the effect and purpose of looking like a woman to begin with.
I don’t think my sexual preferences will drastically change – I’ve read that people who transition later in life keep the sexual attraction they had before HRT. I do know I would never want to be intimate with another person of any gender while still married. When I was dating years ago, I couldn’t even date more than one girl at a time, so I know I couldn’t be with anyone else while we are married.
My point is that your SOs sexual preferences may be hard or impossible to change as well. A sexual or gender therapist with experience in CD and trans married couples should be counseling your SO and possibly both of you in sessions. I hope you can work things out, but it sounds like your SO needs to figure out how to share the intimacy with compromise. If they can’t or won’t then you both need to decide if you can stay together for your own emotional well-being.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat further. I am NOT in any way giving marital advice. God knows I have failed pretty miserably in all this. I’m just giving my own opinions and what has happened in my marriage in case you can get information to talk things out with your SO. Communication can be brutal in our situations, but it’s the only way to figure out what’s best for both of you.
Good luck, and lots of hugs!