I think the patterns of ups and downs is normal when it comes to pretty much anything in life. As a CD, we tend to associate it with dressing more often than not. But it happens with every “hobby” I’ve had in my life. I could be gung ho one second, and truly experience whatever I’m doing at that moment, and I could feel blah about it the next day.
I believe dressing falls under the same pattern. It’s addictive, and gives you a thrill and high that hits a deeply personal space in your soul. No other activity has done that for me. Some days, we feel more courageous than others. Some days, we feel more confident. Some days, we feel like we’re on top of the world and the next day we feel like life in general is an uphill battle.
I go through those emotions regularly about dressing. But I have found, that as soon as I actually walk out the door en femme, it’s always inspiring and I end up having the time of my life.
If there are people who clock me, I’m waaaay too busy having fun with the people who don’t clock me to even notice, let alone care. In my mind, if I get looked at, there are a billion reasons why they may be looking IN ADDITION to potentially thinking I’m a CD… they might think my hair is nice… they might think my skirt is too short, they might think I walk funny, on and on and on. I’ll never know, since they’re just passerbys like that millions of other people who look at other people for whatever reason throughout their day. If they don’t come up and talk to me, it has no impact on my life, no impact on anything, so it’s fleeting to feel fearful of.
EDIT: Just this last weekend, I was shopping around at the mall doing my thing. Tons of people around. I noticed a couple of security guards keeping a watching eye on me. In my brain, I’m thinking… dang, am I getting clocked right now? Are they watching me because I’m trans? Do they think I’m weird and here to steal something? Do they think I’m prostituting? Anyhow, yes all that went into my mind. I could feel my guy self start elevating, so I walked up to them and asked if there was some sort of problem. One guy spoke up and literally this is what he said: “Yes ma’am, I think it would be huge problem if I let you leave this place without asking for your number. My heart would be broken.” I laughed a huge sigh of relief… and told him “Ah, good one buddy. That was a damn good one.” Of course, I told them I was taken like I do everybody else.
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Carmen Cruz.