Thanks for your Candour Cath.
I find myself in the same position as Carmen.
Divorced 8 years, nothing to do with cross dressing, never started until I was on my own.
I agree that we ‘genderise ’ traits based on societal norms and expectations. And for most men, especially us Boomers or Gen X ages, we were indoctrinated into being ‘masculine’ to be attractive to woman who are mostly, as you are in your words ‘attracted to the masculine’. You say traits should not be masculine or feminine but what therefore is masculine?
Why is a man in a skirt not masculine? ‘By definition skirts are not what would attract my eye’. Who’s definition? Societal ‘rules’? Back to things which define us as masculine or feminine?
Gender stereotyping from birth teaching us what is ‘expected’ of being a man? So what exactly is this ‘masculine’ thing you say you prefer?
A stiff upper lip? Muscles? A suit? A bit of face fuzz? Someone who confirms to societal gender stereotypes? That was me for so long, being who I was supposed to be to be attractive to women. And yes that did include suppressing the traits you say are not gender exclusive, because we were taught from babies they are not things real men do like cry, show weakness, talk about our feelings, wear bright colours, watch chic flicks, light a scented candle, have a skincare routine! Things a ‘masculine’ man would do? Or seen a a bit ‘gay’?
All these suppressed feelings burst out of me when I was finally able to be me free from the burden of being ‘masculine’. No longer having to be who I was supposed to be, based on gender stereotyping which has a huge influence on how we live our lives.
And these feeling were traits which society see as ‘feminine’. And that includes what we wear.
Thankfully, where I live and work anyway, society is moving forward. I am a staff nurse in a frontline hospital and work with a wonderful team, mostly women in their 20s 30s. Last year I started coming out to my team, culminating in a Christmas night out in a gold sequin gown. The acceptance I have received has been overwhelming. And I feel much happier, centred, positive, no more barriers, no more hiding, no more, as you say, deception.
Why did I hide this part of me for so long, being deceitful? No, it was a deep sense of shame for not being who I am supposed to be. And I think this feeling, and the fear it brings, what we may lose if we do tell our true selves to people, that keeps so many of us in the closet.
And this shame, why? Are we doing something wrong? Why can’t women accept us for who we are in all our glory?
I now have so many close girl ‘friends’. Finally letting go of the hope of having a relationship with a woman who will accept all of me was a great weight off my shoulders. No longer having to be who I’m supposed to be, but free to be my own wonderful colourful self, wearing what I want to wear, acting how I want to act, doing nobody any harm. I have my health, a wonderful son and daughter who I am proud to say I brought up as a single parent, a job I love, some good friends who know all of me, and my own home. Not prepared to get into a relationship with a woman who will ‘tolerate’ all of me, so on my own. Don’t feel sorry for me, happiest I’ve ever been.
B x
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