This is actually a very very interesting thought process you touched on, and potentially has something to do deeper into who I am as a person…
When I’m in girl mode in public, I’ll often get random people just walking up to compliment me. Either “you’re beautiful”, “you’re gorgeous”, all sorts of very positive stuff… and while I’m appreciative, it’s just taken as face value and that’s it. I just go do my thing. While it does make me feel good, it’s like, it’s so superficial that it doesn’t really make me feel all that accomplished? Maybe?
This is interesting, because I tend to downplay myself a lot in the things I’m naturally good at. Case in point, when I sit down somewhere in public and play some random piano at a store, a bunch of people will come up and tell me it’s so beautiful and ask a bunch of questions. I downplay it and always let people know I’m not trained in piano, I have never taken lessons, I don’t even know how to read notes.
In the martial arts, I lied about being a black belt when I signed up for national competitions so that I could compete at the highest levels, even though I was just a green belt at the time. I kept winning every competition, and I felt accomplished, but when I actually got my 2nd degree, I stopped competing… like it made it not fun anymore because well, it’s the performance I would have expected out of myself at that level… so it made it all feel “bleh”.
So maybe it’s that confirmation that I’m doing a good job that I seek? Maybe it would actually “feel” deeper of a compliment when I’m out as Carmen and someone says “Wow, you’re so beautiful”… but then followed up with “for a crossdresser”… because it would validate the effort at a deeper level vs. the superficial???
But just like piano, or martial arts, with feminizing it’s ultimately about the end goal… but maybe my efforts I want noticed to. When they’re not, maybe I feel like it’s discounting the “work” I put into it.
Interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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