My heart goes out to you…………. Lets start with you supporting your partner with his crossdressing, that is very brave of you, many would not even entertain any form of crossdressing, so I congratulate you for doing that. But that does not mean he can do as he wishes, I believe having sex with a partner is always a mutual thing, it has to be something that you are both very happy to do. He should not insist having sex with you whilst dressed if that is not what gets you excited. Your feelings are very important here.
You can be intimate without sex, being close and loving someone should not have to involve sex first! This thing about if you want sex with him as a man you have to initiate it is complete rubbish, if he loves you he will give you the love, care, intimacy and sex that you want. He needs to remember you do not have to accept his crossdressing or support him, but if you do, in return he needs to show you a lot more respect.
As to him having oral with a man, it doesn’t matter what he calls it, performing a sex act is sex……… He claims he loves you, what kind of person will tell his partner he loves them and then wants to have oral sex with another man? I am usually upbeat in these difficult situations, there usually is a way through, if both sides are willing to work together and see the others point of view. But here I feel you are being put in an impossible and uncomfortable position by a person who claims he loves you, but clearly only on his terms, you seriously need to consider your options here, because from what I can see, this will not get better…………….