Some of my earliest memories from around age 3 or 4 are admiring and wanting to wear my cousins clothes. She was a little older than me and we were both watched by my grandmother while our parents worked. If I had an accident, my grandmother would put me in a pair of her panties since she didn’t have a spare pair of underpants for me and it was a form of punishment but I loved wearing them. So, is it a need? I don’t think so but I my brain is definitely wired to want to wear feminine clothing.
I have been married a very long time and my wife understands this is important to me but does not want to see me dressed so for many years I have only dressed when alone in the house. This was enough for me until around 2 years ago. My wife has been ill since then and I am her caretaker. In this situation, I am never alone and never get the chance to dress. I got more and more anxious over time and constantly fantasied about dressing to where it seemed like all I could think about. I finally talked to my wife about what was going on with me and asked permission to sleep in a nightgown occasionally and wear a feminine apron and heels when I’m alone cooking in the kitchen. She was very understanding and this has been our situation for the last six months and it is working well for me. I no longer think about dressing constantly and when the urge to dress comes over me I know I will be able to put on something silky and feminine at bed time and I very much enjoy cooking in heels.
Over the years I purged several times due to shame and guilt. Now in my 70’s I finally realize this is who I am and it is very much a part of me and I have come to accept that. I am still working on accepting that is who I am without feeling ashamed about it but I’m making progress.
I have noticed a strong correlation between stress in my life and wanting to dress. Dressing up has a very calming effect on me and caretaking can be a bit stressful at times. You obviously love Michayla very much to spend the time and effort you do to understand this strange crossdressing thing that we don’t really understand ourselves.