Let me start out by saying I love your last name. It is very smart, original and meaningful. I’m guessing from what you have shared that your last name is meant to represent both your feminine side and you’re religious/spiritual side. I think that taht is so meaningful and cool.
From what you have shared you sound a lot like me. I’m guessing from what you have shared that you are a woman who is somewhere in her forties to her sixties. I myself am in my early fifties and I know what it is like to have a Christan up bringing and to struggle with the conflicting thoughts, feelings and desires that come from that and the feminine side of myself. I too have struggled with the feeling, the belief that my pleasure from dressing in feminine clothes makes me a despicable sinner.
For me, there is a concept, I guess you could say, on the subject of morality that has been helpful to me when it comes to finding inner peace with my feminine side and the desires that it stirs up inside of me. That concept is simply this: ” In causing harm to none, do what thou will.” Looking at my feminine desires and preferences in the light of that concept has helped me to find some level of peace with who and what I am and what I like to do and wear.
As to your asking for input on a way to progress in coming out to the world may I offer this suggestion. You could try making small, simple changes in your day-to-day wardrobe. That is what I have been doing. I shop a lot in local thrift stores and doing so has given me the opportunity to inexpensively buy and try styles of everyday woman’s apparel that fulfills my desire to express my feminine side in my day-to-day public, but without drawing too much unwanted attention to myself. To that end I have bought tee-shirts, jeans and even shoes that are feminine in design, are meant to be worn by women, but don’t scream that “this person is a crossdresser’ when I wear them out in public. To a discerning eye it can be readily noticed that I’m wearing a tee-shirt, jeans and shoes that are actually feminine in nature and design, but to the casual observer they are just a tee-shirt, jeans and shoes. Wearing such gives me the confidence that I need to express my feminine side in public without blatantly screaming to the world that “I am transgendered”.
To be completely forthright with you wearing such clothing in public does make me feel a little self-conscious. I do worry that people notice and are judging me for what I am wearing. But such feelings are manageable. And in a way such feelings are a part of the fun. Those feelings and the simple pleasure of being out and seen in something pretty and feminine leaves me feeling a small. yet profound sense of pride and self satisfaction that I am expressing the full, real, true me. It feels good to let Jessica Ann come out and play.
In full disclosure. I haven’t come to the place where I feel comfortable doing this in all places and situations. But it is a positive step for me in my journey to come to peace with who I fully am and my to have the freedom to express myself in the ways that I have always secretly desired since I was in my early teens.
I could go on and share my thoughts and feelings about the bisexual aspects of what you have shared. But I think that I will leave that for another time. For now I will just say that for many, many of us who love to express our femininity with pretty, feminine clothing there is also a leaning, a curiosity, to experiencing sexual intimacy with a man. I glad that this something that you have had a chance to experience for yourself. I hope that it was a satisfying and fulfilling experience for you. I would love to someday hear the story behind such experience in your life.
I will end this by saying, thank you for starting this forum and that I wish you the best in your journey in coming out in the way that you desire.
Sincerely, Jessica Ann