We have enough problems controlling how we feel. We certainly cannot control how others feel.
My wife married a man. And sleeps with her man. And likes me as a man. She has no control over her emotions and thoughts.
The same as I find it repugnant and repulsive (even if dressed enfemme) to think about flirting with or doing more with another guy. I like women. And I like my wife being a woman.
I can make all the philosophical reasonings and excuses about perhaps if… but, thats not the reality.
Anyways. Life is complicated. It sounds like your wife doesn’t want to be a lesbian.