Reply To: Would you stop crossdressing if you wife asked, to save your marriage, or other?

[Rhonda Lee]

This question presumes there is a choice. I thought since I was young that there was, but could not avoid giving into the urges, no matter how hard I tried. Thought I’d grown out of it and it was just a normal result of puberty when I met my future wife, Desires returned after marriage and were mostly manageable. But my stash grew over time and my wife discovered it. I told the truth, but she could not believe I was not seeing another woman.  For that and other reasons she walked out.  I never knew there were others like me until I learned of Tri-Ess at age 60, shortly before she left I took the opportunity in her absence to visit a dressing service and take what I thought was a one-weekend fling. But once the toothpaste left the tube there was no putting it back. I came to accept that this was a good and natural part of me. A year later my wife returned. By then I had concluded I could not stop dressing so that was a condition of her return.  I was able to stay within acceptable boundaries, but eventually she insisted I not only stop but stop even thinking about it. I did not then, nor have I thought since, that this was an option. As desperate as I was to save the marriage I could not. I tried all kinds of therapy, but the good therapists did not even think it would be healthy to try to change me and refused to do so. One therapist, recommended to me by my wife’s counselor, who believed I had a sex addiction, mistook me for a transsexual who believed I was a female and might transition. (He had counseled transgender people but had never met a crossdresser so did not understand that I did not have desire to change sex and did not view myself to be a true female, in spite of my strong femme persona and need to express that side.) I had given permission for the therapist to communicate with my wife’s counselor. That combo of two clueless counselors sank the boat. My ex has not even spoken to me for a decade now and won’t appear where I am, even for family events. My conclusion: I could try to hide who I am, but I don’t believe I can change who I am, and being a poor actor I don’t think there is a real choice. If there were, I would have saved the marriage. I believe, for me at least, I am genetically predisposed to being a CD and changing would be more difficult than changing my eye color… not an option. I could not find a fitting question response to fit my situation, although I believe my name is legion.