I just received a ‘thanks’ for this post from April and it reminded me that I should probably do a follow up since I’ve continued to move forward and my wife has continued to let me. For about 2 months, I would dress and go out occasionally and we were in a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of mode. She knew I was going out of the house dressed sometimes, but didn’t want to know about it or see me.
About 3 weeks ago, I bought some women’s bikini tops and bottoms. I tried them on that night and when I put one on in particular and went to the mirror, I just broke down. I mean BOOM and just started bawling. BAWLING! I just felt so right. It was like a switch went off in my head and my male self left and my female self took over. I knew then and there that I wanted to be a woman all the time. I wanted to transition.
Over a week went by before I found the courage to tell my wife. To be honest, she said she expected that I would go this direction (I guess she knows me pretty well after 30 years). She’s not thrilled about it. But she has said, after reflection, that whether I’m a guy or a girl, she feels like she’s better off with me than without me. That means a lot to me. BUT, we still have A LOT of ground to cover. She’s very sad. That bothers me. It bothers me that in order for me to be happy, she is sad. She’s sad that the guy she fell in love with and married is going away and she’s not sure she’ll like this new person. I’ve tried to assure her that I’m the MOSTLY same person….the same soul….but in a different wrapper. It’s a transition for both of us.
I’m not out at work yet but I have a plan and will be out before the end of the year (and likely a lot before that). I told several of my really close friends at a party 2 weeks ago. They all say pretty much the same thing. I don’t understand, but I support you and that’s about all I can ask. One friend’s wife has even adopted me as her girlfriend, which is amazing! Effie Jayne has become one of my best friends since I met her here on CDH and she has had a HUGE effect on my life as someone that is already over a year ahead of me on the transition scale and in a similar situation as me. I have made an appointment in September with a transgender doc (endocrinologist) to start discussing HRT and I can’t wait to meet with her and start that part of my journey.
Today felt like my first full day of my transition. Getting ready to go out on my regular errands, but knowing I was going to do it as me and not that guy. My wife knew I was doing it and saw me for the first time dressed (she’s still a little freaked out, but is still here). I felt so normal, comfortable, relaxed. And to add a cherry topping to the day, a checker at Costco who I’d had a nice interaction with once before, said when she scanned my card and looked at my male picture and then at me, she said, I’ve helped you before, right? I smiled and said yes. She said, you look GREAT! And so happy! I mean, I almost burst out of my skin I was so happy. I told her that I’d started coming out to more people and she smiled and said, well keep it going! How freaking nice is that for someone to say? I wish she knew how much she lifted my spirits today!
All I can say is that CDH has allowed me to finally become, well, ME! Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be on this precipice and ready to take the leap. But I’m 57 now. I have fewer years in front of me than are behind me and I want to live them as the me I was always meant to be!
Love to all of you! You be you!
kisses *tara* 🙂
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