I’m not certain if there was ever something like a trigger for me per say. At a young age my mom was always going through divorces and moving a lot so I never really had a male parental figure that lasted long and I feel that may be a factor to my comfort levels with certain genders. I found at times I enjoyed wearing things in private and felt comfortable with them but it was always sporadic and not consistent. Sometimes it would be years between but also just thoughts of would life have been better as a girl. Middle and high school were kind of the same despite having a few girlfriends over the years. I found I enjoyed helping them pick things to wear and what looked good and make suggestions. Something that ended up becoming a trend over the years. Even poking ideas to friends of hey what about this without thinking much of it.
My 20s kinda passed in this trend for me until turning 30 when I started writing fiction, I had always enjoyed reading fanfiction and the world’s one can create And started writing my own stories. Sometimes by myself and sometimes with a friend in a back and forth format. Occasionally I would write a male main character but always migrated back to a girl. Looking back I think this was an outlet for me. Somewhere to feel comfortable and be different without risk or discomfort. At one point I created a character in a story and at the time that’s all they were just a fictional character but it was my first original not based on any sort of show , movie or other character. I was extremely comfortable with this person and things came naturally. Strong, confident and beautiful. I found she kept coming up everywhere, when making characters in games or writing different stories that image and those traits kept appearing.
What was originally a fictional character to have fun with I found wasn’t that at all. It was part of me wanting out and to be heard. My ideal female self with qualities and traits I feel i lacked myself. That’s why I feel I don’t think there was ever a trigger of sorts as I don’t think something just clicked one day but rather was just always there. Sometimes quit and others more apparent and recently very loud. I’m finding there are very many people here of all ages and stages of life and it brings comfort to know you don’t have to be alone and repress things. It’s ok to explore those different sides of your self and to embrace your reflections as a whole.
This went on way longer than I expected it too. I hope my rambling makes some level of sense and may resonate to others. I’d love to hear if it did and open a dialogue. I hope you have a good day and thank you for reading 💜
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