Clearly you have a lot going on with various high points and low points. For most people, it is quite difficult to understand, and come to grips with, our gender identity on our own. Our minds work to reduce stress and anxiety. That can make it hard to focus on things that have the potential to cause major upheavals in our lives. Many have found that working with a therapist has been very helpful. However, it is important to find one who has experience with gender issues as not everyone has that background.