Wow what a long thread with so many variations on the theme “fine for others but not my man”.
I did tell my wife while we were dating and we even went out with me dressed several times. At that time I simply stated I liked dressing as a woman. After our marriage she decided she didn’t want anything to do with a cross dressing man and demanded an end to it. This led to many years of a bad relationship with me secretly dressing, deceiving and lying to her and her pulling away from me and our relationship essentially dissolving into a wreck. After around 4 years I announced I wanted a divorce and it did not go well. After a lot if arguments, fights (verbal not physical) and eventually talking over the course of several years I admitted to her and myself I am transgender and the clothes are just a small part of a big picture.
We have grown a lot since those days and are getting ready to celebrate our 25th anniversary. We accept I am transgender and I dress in an androgynous and feminine fashion while maintaining my place as husband and father. I do go out fully dressed and enjoy my girls days out but within her request that I do not do it around our home town, her or children. My clothes hang in my closet and I do not lie or deceive her or myself about my actions and tell her when I am going out. She asks that she doesn’t have to see Carolyne yet most of my day to day attire is women’s and I do appear effeminate in my daily presentation. Our relationship is still a project in progress yet we are still together and working to accept each other and our needs and realities.
So… would we be together had she known? The bigger question is would I have been with her if I had known or been honest with myself about being transgender? Would I have chosen to be in a relationship with her or anyone if I knew who and what I am. Would I have chosen to subject her to my self realization and discovery? How would our relationship have developed had she known and I accepted I was truly a woman trapped within this unacceptable male body? I believe we could have been wonderful friends and our relationships would have been substantially different. She has no desire to be in a relationship with a woman or be a lesbian and this leads to the inevitable conclusion that had we both known and accepted who and what I am we would not have married yet we could have been best of female friends. I also believe I would have inevitably moved towards transition and chosen to live as a woman. So here we are together and full of love for each other yet in a difficult relationship that straddles many boundaries and realities that make us work each day to accept who we both are and how we continue to be true to ourselves and our love.