You’ve been taught, whether consciously or unconsciously, whether by verbal or nonverbal means, that it is not OK. Your wife now tells you it’s OK. Your head hears it, but in your heart and deep seated emotions, you still have the “men don’t do that” feeling at your core.
Let me give you an example of what happened to me. My friend would often throw theme based crossdresser (and supporter) parties. Early in my going out in public, she held a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party event at the home of mutual friends. Dating back to bad experiences in childhood, I absolutely will not drink tea. But I wanted to attend the event. I chose to go and be one of the maid servants for the event, making and serving the tea to others.
I borrowed a maid’s outfit from the homeowner and had a good time at the event. My friend who organized the event gave me a very sweet note at the end thanking me for my first time being a (insert the s word here) maid. In my head, I can see that she was very polite and sweet in the note. Yet at my core, it really hurt. This is because of the negative association of the word for my entire life. Seeing it in print felt like a stab in the heart, even though I know the intent and meaning of the note was not that at all. My head could accept it, but deep down I had a hard time accepting it.
I suspect you’re going through a similar experience. Years of negative conditioning can’t be undone with a single acceptance from your wife. You have to come to your own acceptance and undo a life long negative association. You have to do the work yourself to discard the guilt and accept that this is a part of who you are.
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