51 yrs old and still trying to understand maybe you can relate pt2

Hello girls,

lets see where did I leave off… oh yes my 1st wife. Our first son was born not long after my father taught me how to drive an 18 wheeler and I became an over the road truck driver gone from home about 5 days a week, at this time I became an underdresser wearing panties as much as I could but the desire to wear more grew so one night while home I found one of my wife’s nightgowns and put it on after a shower then called her to the bathroom shocked she was to see me standing there in her nightgown I can not recall her exact words but it was kind of like wtf more or less and I told her that I liked the silky feel and it was relaxing to know that wearing it I was closer to her, I never told her the truth and she never seen me like that again because the look on her face was one of such horror and for the first time in my journey I felt so dirty and like a freak.. this wold have been around 1990 and back then I had never heard of cross dressing so I just figured I had something wrong with me and I should just keep it all bottled inside and never wear anything like that again. 3 years later she had an affair and we divorced some months later I met ny present wife now of 25 yrs.

about 6 months later we moved in together and that was when it all started for me again I would sneak as much as I could I couldn’t help the desire to dress up. Sometime during the first year we were home drinking and we played some truth or dare and the drunk me picked a truth and well I told her that I wanted to try on some of her clothing. Later that became one of her dares to me. She had no clue how much I liked it and for years I would still keep it from her my desires were just that mine and for no one else to know. Never again did I want to see that look, never again did I want to feel the disgust never again did I want to feel the shame.  At this point I was well into 15 years of wearing what I could when I could and suppressing the need to do so as much as I could, telling myself it was wrong, I would go from wear everything from neck down and feeling great to taking it off moments later with feelings of guilt and wondering wtf was wrong with me it was always a roller coaster of emotions never loving myself for who I was because I just knew I had a screw loose I discussed myself after dressing up. I tried to fix myself and all I did was become an angry man who shut himself off from family, friends and anyone who even remotely tried to like me I would do something so the didn’t want to. This roller coaster of a live went on for about 10 years.

I was about 35 when I had the “babe sit down we need to talk” talk, I opened up to her about everything I have told you all. She was the first person in my 25 years of hiding who I was I ver told anything to. She had all the questions I was not expecting. Are you gay…. no     Are you bi….. no    Do you want to be a women….. yes sometimes I feel like I do     So you want a sex change…..noooo   Then I don’t understand…. neither do I     What is it that make you want to wear women’s clothing…. I wish I knew. Then it was stay out of my stuff and I don’t want to see it because I am not into women. I tried to explain that the clothing did not make me man or woman but she wanted nothing to do with it a skirt wearing man was gay bi or confused. I had no good answers for her as I had none for myself. It was back to hiding again.

well it’s time to relax for a little before bed, I’ll be back for more tomorrow I still have another 15 years to sum up, and again thanks for reading it is nice to tell people my journey and not hide it for a change