51 yrs old and still trying to understand maybe you relate? Pt1

As I said earlier in my hello, I would share my story with you all. Only a few choice people know some but not all of my story for reasons many of us here have had or still have, fear of rejection being the largest for me.

I to this day do not know why I started and my earliest memories are around age 10 or 11 before that I have a couple years that have large blanks. Around those years I lived with my grandmother off and on and would also spend a lot of time at my aunts. I remember taking baths with grandma and also ear and belly button checks at my aunts. Now to add to this but not take away from my sisters my material aunts husband molested both my sisters from around age 5 until about the age of 13 they are 4 and 5 years my younger. The reason I add this to my story is because my earliest memories of trying on panties and night gowns was my aunts (until now only my wife knows this) and I would get an arousal from doing so. I beat myself up trying to remember things from the years before but I can’t so I have wondered if he started with me then moved on to my sisters as they aged? And is this the reason I started ? Did he dress me up? I don’t know… am I repressing memories or am I just fishing for a reason so I can make sense of myself? Again I don’t know.  For years it was only my aunts bras panties and nightgowns. It was not until around 13 when I started with my mothers things I would get things from the dryer. Now this was around 1980 and us guys wore socks that came up around the knee and for some reason I would take moms no show socks and wear them to school. Mom and dad owned their own business so after school I had lots of time to wear her intimates and it always ended in self gratification.

It was not until I was 17 where I took a friends sisters bra. I had a huge crush on her 2 years older than I and she knew it and would always be a tease so I think I was think that I could be closer to her if I was wearing her bra which I did ever night to bed. This was the extent of my experience through high school.

i joined the army at 18 and I suppressed my urges until I met my first wife at 21 when we moved in together it was like a dream come true as her and I was so close in size and in my closet was her clothing always calling for me not to mention her dresser all that silk just screaming for me. It was during our marriage that I knew I enjoyed wearing skirts and dresses until then I had no clue. It was no longer a sexual thing but something that I wanted to do whenever I wanted. Again I was able to hide this as she works 2nd shift and I worked 1st. So while she was at work I would wear he things I would also to my best at making myself look like 100% woman and admire myself in the mirror feeling so relaxed. Now the question I ask myself did I admire myself because of the job I and done and I felt sexy or was it because I was admiring all things a woman, was it because I admired the women in my life so much that I wanted to be more like them? Again more question as to why I wanted to dress as a woman and again no answers for me.

ok it’s late for me and I need sleep before work I will do part 2 tomorrow so for now nite all.