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I am obviously no expert on relationships. I only want to share my own experience in the hope that my thoughts could help others (and me as well).
A little about myself (see my profile as well). After a first magical full transformation in February, I realized I needed to tell my wife but didn’t know how. I saw (and I am still seeing) a therapist to help me. Like most of us, I was living in fear of getting caught, keeping this secret from my wife for years.
I finally let it out in July, so it has been six months. It didn’t go bad, but it wasn’t great either. In short, she finds it weird, she’s not proud of it, I cannot buy her clothes for gifts. But no problem if I crossdress whenever she’s not there, of if everyone’s asleep. Most importantly, no divorce in sight, our relationship seems as solid as ever. She said that with time, she should be more comfortable talking about it, but right now she is not (still true as of 3 months ago). In the end, big weight off my shoulders, but still living in fear as well. Is there an elephant in the room or is it just a fly in the room? I don’t know. I still need to deal with her reaction on top of trying to understand who I really am.
Before telling my wife, I was highly confident it would turn out to be OK. We had earlier conversations about transgenders and gender exploration for kids. She understands gender vs sex, and finds important that kids explore their gender identity. We know a couple whose boy sometimes wear dresses and she was totally OK with it. So I thought, well, I should be fine. Well not so much. It seems there is a huge difference between other’s gender identity and her husband’s gender identity…
Which leads to my second thought. I believe that many women finds crossdressing as an attack to their own feminity. I first thought, what does exploring my own feminity change to hers? Nothing, but it brings many questions. I believe my wife is not comfortable with her own body, her own sexuality and her own feminity and therefore, wonders if my crossdressing is a result of that. Of course not. But that shook her.
Third thought might be hazardous, and I bring the topic respectfully: I think that non-binary gender identities are much more difficult to understand for most people than « being born in the wrong body ». Gender fluidity, bigenderism, occasional crossdressing, etc. I am not sure I fully understand it myself.
In the end, what I was looking for from my wife was a minimal support. The kind of support you seek from your BFF to whom you feel free of confessing whatever is important to you. I was clear from the start I was not asking for her to shop with/for me, or put makeup on me. I still want this to stay personal. I only needed someone to share my ups and downs.
What I recently realized is that you cannot ask someone to support you on something they do not understand. I mean, most people understand the implications of death, losing a job, getting cancer, etc. But how to support an occasional crossdresser that questions his gender identity?
Seeing a therapist has helped me a lot and it still does. It has become clear what I needed was professional help and friends to share this secret with. That is why I am here. That is why I need to open up.
This is a long post. Thanks for reading this until the end.
Chloé
First of all Chloe I don’t think you need therapy, if it helps you then great but you might find being active here coupled with talking to your wife may over time be enough. You should do everything in your power to make your wife feel better about herself whether its her sexuality, gender identity, or how yours impacts on hers. Your instinct may be to tell her everything about your female side and by extension concentrate most of your efforts thusly but if you did she might feel a bit abandoned, so stay close and communicative. Countless relationships have broken down due to insufficient communication, it’s really staggering to me how many people for whatever reason keep things to themselves when they should instead share. Other than that, it seems to me that your wife just needs some time to acclimate to the new normal as do you in order to open up more to her, aside from that your doing fine. Your wife likely has many questions she hasn’t asked you yet, when these are all answered she’ll be more receptive to exploring your feminine side with you.
Hi Chloe. After reading so many stories here and knowing my own, maybe your SO is ok if friends or coworkers or their spouse come out as CD, but if my own SO comes out cannot accept it. And does this make me less of a woman. Therapy may help ( sometimes a 3rd person looking at the relationship can help), for me CDH is my therapy. Maybe your SO here talking with other SOs might be helpful to sort out her feelings.
Everyone is here for you to help think things out.
Sandy
This is the Elephant in the room for many.
I don’t think any of us are experts in this field and the responses and experiences of others on this site will be testimony to that.
Knowing your wife as well as you do didn’t get the reaction you had hoped for. I think you understand yourself and what you need to satiate your inner desire. You have to know how far you want to go with this. What is your ultimate wish? If you do not know the answer then how can you be honest with your wife and plan ahead.
It is now for her to express her feelings and thoughts and for you to understand her. If you love her, as you say, it will be for her to lead and for you to work with her.
Times have changed and people will accept whatever label is applied and embrace it. People will appear ‘woke’ and say they have friends who are Crossdressers/Trans/ Non binary/Gender fluid. .
However it is still an Elephant in the room when it comes to having to live with it in a relationship.
Hi Chloe, a very interesting post, thank you.
I agree with Cindy, but it’s only my opinion: I know therapy helps some, but really, unless you are trying to change the way you feel, or understand it better, which to me, it seems you already do, why a therapist?
Your wife seems to be doing ok, with things, and hopefully, as time goes on, and you DO keep communicating,( that is key, in any relationship) she will understand, more, let her see, the girl within, and get to know her.
As has been stated here many times, it has taken ost of us, years and years, to understand, and be comfortable with who we are, can we truly expect others to just do it overnight?
Again, just my thoughts
RegiChloe- Making a “Game” out of it works to break the ice sometimes-Esp if SHE benefits-Like -who does most of the housework at home?– If it’s Her–you have an opening–just start doing more of it–along the way let her know that if your going to be “The Maid” mabe you should be dressed the part– It’s Easier to motivate yourself to do housework if your dressed the part–then there is asking Advice– Hon–how do women do This or that? (like Properly paint their nails(esp toenails-) then it becomes how to use makeup,clothes ect–at first your not doing it at the time it’s just asking for her knowledge–Her Skills–Generally folks like to give advice-share their their knowledge- Honey—I don’t think I’m doing it right–How do women do this or that “Properly” hopefully -that leads her into Wanting to Show you- Jane
Chloe,
my personal experience was much different. I am currently 60 years old, and I found the great pleasure of wearing women’s clothing about 4 years ago. I’m have been married for 31 years and just recently told my wife. She didn’t take it at all well. Her words, I’m a deviant, she married a man, etc.
I can’t even wear heels for fear that if she appears in the same room, she says that I’m shoving my cross dressing in her face.
I hope and pray that your wife will be more supportive and accepting as time goes on.
Oh honey that is just the things my wife told me inclding i was a transvestite. Sick needed help. I told her i coudnt help my feelings for the feminine side any more than she could. And that she saw something in me that attracted me to her. I tod her i couldnt and didnt want to stop anymore than she did. We didint speak for a few weeks.
One day she asked if i was still dressing and i admitted i was. It is so much easier admitting it once they know. And she saaid well i guess it is ok if you dont go out that way. I already had been but was wiling to take a few steps back to make it work. She tole me to ask for feminine days and she would let me have the hosue to myself. She never once said no and ususally it was that day or the next.
Afew months after ths she came home with a new purse and i oooh and ahhhd over it and asked her if i coud have her old one. She asked for what and i repliesd for the same thngs you keep in oyours. So she gave it to me with a tampon in it still. Giggle. Then she said look what i got for free i bet you never got this for freee. It was a new collor 💄. She asked if i iked it i saiad i thinnk so but would have to see it on first. So she put some on her lips and i said oh yes it is so pretty. Rasberry glace by cinique. Has tiny glitter in it. She smile and slid her lips oover mine tranferring the lipstick to my lips. And she said yes it is pretty isnt it.
i asked if it was for me and she said no but you can borrow it if you ask.
So dont be upset where you are now , things change
love julie
Chloe,
Thank you for the update. And good for you moving forward. That is very brave.
I am about where you were 6 months ago. I suspect my wife has many of the same issues as your wife. One time we watched a movie about cross dresses (probably La Cage Aux Folles) and my wife seemed really put off about men trying to be better women than cis-women, like it was taking something away from her. That was her genuine feeling. And as someone who has only known white male privilege, I feel like I can’t second-guess her feelings.
I think there are a lot of benefits to engaging with therapy. This was actually something my wife taught me: it can be very beneficial to have someone who is being paid to listen to you. It takes pressure off your relationship.
Hugs and kisses,
EricaExactly, it takes pressure off from her especially. She strongly encouraged me to continue seeing a therapist until she’s more comfortable. I won’t push, and knowing her reactions, I won’t rush. At this point, I feel a professional is more equipped for the questions I have.
During the Holidays, we were watching Back to the Future Part II where Michael J Fox plays the older version of Marty, his son and daughter as well. My children didn’t quite understand time travelling and the fact that the same actor played these three characters. I told my wife and kids that when I was young I didn’t notice that it was all played by the same actor. And then my wife said something like « What !?!? You didn’t notice she was ugly ?». She definitely had her b***h -switch on that night. Ok that movie was filmed in the 80s, acting and crossdressing were done on purpose, but wow that was harsh. So I definitely know the feeling!!!
Hi Chloé,
your post interested me particularly as I came out to my wife six months ago as well. I thought it would help me make sense of things, especially as she took it well. I have to find a safe balance between her feelings which come first and mine, which if I’m honest, are having to be reigned in all the time. Quite quickly she came out shopping with me and still does bit it’s for in the house only. I feel for those who can’t be themselves in front of those they love the most, it’s heartbreaking. I have found that now that I’m open to her, my feelings about my own gender identity are more confusing than ever. I’m so glad that your (new) relationship is moving on and hope it goes the way you want it to. I would love counselling, just to help me find myself as I’m lost more than ever (even though I dress for full evenings with my wife, twice a week). Best wishes to you and all who have replied to this thread.
Carla x
The fact that you both are still together, still talking openly and honestly and respectfully, well, I’d say you are in a great place.
This journey that so many of us are on causes not just ourselves but those around us ‘in the know’ to re-evaluate themselves and their world views.
Change is seldom easy (or welcome) for most people but with time and patience most humans rise to the challenge and evolve.
I’m glad you’re one of the somewhat success stories!
Much love.
I am in a similar situation, after 2 years of telling:
My wife is accepting of gender fluidity in the wider sense, but not in her husband. If I was just a friend, it would be fine, but not her husband.
I really struggle with this – what part of “Love means giving the other person room to be themselves” does this address?
But I promised “for better or worse”, and I am not going to stop fighting the control freak (by which I don’t mean my wife, just that little bit of her that wants to control me, which is an entirely unacceptable thing to do. I do not tell her what she can or can’t wear or do).
Therefore I will push and push, little bit by little bit, until common sense rules. I am hoping that it’s working, given the part she gave me in our recent costume murder mystery (My profile picture!).
Love Ahmilla.
I
My wife said… “if you truly love someone then when you see them happy you are happy”.
That’s very true of our relationship. From the time of her first traumatic brain injury, through her massive brain bleed and her time in rehabilitation I have loved her. I have cleaned her bottom, cleaned up vomit, sat with her through the dark times just holding her, watched her mind take it’s first faltering steps… and throughout this journey I have loved her! I even surprised myself!
If the boot was on the other foot I would be willing her on if that was what she desired because love is…All around, Polly xxx
I didn’t participate much to the thread so far but I’ve been reading all your replies as you sent them. Thanks for your kind words.
Many of you talked about communication and I know how important it is. But for communication to work, there needs to be someone willing to listen and another willing to talk. I have done much of the talking so far and whenever I feel the need to talk about it, I feel too vulnerable to bring the topic back. And my wife is clearly unable to handle that topic (as described above).
Our last conversation about it in October hurt me too much. In October, three months had passed since THE talk. Everything was back to normal so I thought she was fine. But when I brought it back in October ‘cause I was so overwhelmed at work (from home!), I was crying and she was cold with me and didn’t do anything. No hug, nothing.
Time will do its work I suppose. She’ll forget about it, or she’ll do what she usually does with problems, bury it. I am not asking for much; I simply needed to get it out of my system. To be honest, I am happy with the Don’t ask, don’t tell policy, and that she lets me do whatever I want when she’s not there.
Thanks ladies for your support. Kisses,
Chloe
Hi Chloe,
Some thoughts on these two points;
[We know a couple whose boy sometimes wear dresses and she was totally OK with it. So I thought, well, I should be fine. Well not so much. It seems there is a huge difference between other’s gender identity and her husband’s gender identity]…
Absolutely the opposite is true. My wife is very open and accepting of the LGBTQ (and other) communities and fully supports them. Our children (young adults) do as well and have friends that are gender fluid. But when it comes to me, it is a completely different story. No acceptance (least from my wife), not sure about my kids because they really don’t “know” about but my son and oldest daughter see how I dress. I would not expect this to change.
[Which leads to my second thought. I believe that many women finds crossdressing as an attack to their own feminity. I first thought, what does exploring my own feminity change to hers? Nothing, but it brings many questions. I believe my wife is not comfortable with her own body, her own sexuality and her own feminity and therefore, wonders if my crossdressing is a result of that. Of course not. But that shook her.]
Be very careful if you ever approach your wife with this argument. I believe (from exploring this possibility from afar, not directly that is), women take this as an extreme insult to their femininity. They may feel these emotions and when coming from and direct towards another woman, it takes the form of jealously. But when that same argument comes from a man, let alone their husband, nothing could be worse for their own self image and feelings.
Good Luck!
Rebecka
I hope by now that things between you and your SO have improved, Chloe.
I am seeing a grief therapist and she has been a great help so I fully support the idea of using therapists. Having the input of an outsider provides perspective. From what I have read above I believe that your SO would benefit from seeing a therapist as well. I will add the caveat that we only have your side so I could be wrong in that assumption.
You made these observations;
[[ I believe that many women finds crossdressing as an attack to their own feminity. I first thought, what does exploring my own feminity change to hers? Nothing, but it brings many questions. I believe my wife is not comfortable with her own body, her own sexuality and her own feminity and therefore, wonders if my crossdressing is a result of that.]]
While that might well be true there is the possibility that this is an assumption on your part. The reasons for the lack of acceptance and support probably span a spectrum and include concerns about how your crossdressing will affect any children you have and how it may affect her own relationships with own family, friends, colleagues, etc, etc. Without talking there is no way to be certain and making the wrong assumptions is not helpful.
You also made the comment about ignorance and there you are right on the money. There is almost no factual information about crossdressers and what most people do know comes from erroneous stereotypes. The reality is that the vast majority of us are heterosexual males with families and we do it in private.
Which brings me to what I believe might be helpful in your situation because what the two of you need is a heart to heart dialogue that does not appear to be happening. Reasons for this can be that emotions get in the way and feelings can be hurt just by saying something that was taken the wrong way.
So I am going to suggest a slightly different approach that you might want to try. Write a love letter to your SO. Tell her about all of the things that you love about her. Tell her why she is the most important person in your life. Explain to her that your crossdressing is not a reflection on her at all. Tell her about who you are inside and why you need to express your feminine side and how doing so make you feel. Let her know that you value her sense of style and how much you would appreciate it if she were to give you advice and support. IOW’s use this love letter to assuage her doubts about you and crossdressing and open the door to the heart to heart chat that you want with your SOBFF.
That is my two cents, Chloe. I hope that it helps a little.
Warm hugs
Rowena 👩🏻🦳
I’ve only just warned to the idea of being more feminine as I’ve been fighting loosing my masculinity. I now embrace it but I know my wife of 13 years would not approve, although she is not a gurly girl herself.
I’ve not told her about my crossdressing but now I’ve embraced my change I’ve told her the doctor has said I will get more feminine due to lack of testosterone and I’m getting mixed messages from her.
I said my legs were cold recently, she said I should wear tights (pantyhose) so I do now. I said I keep catching leg hairs in them, she said I should shave my legs. I’ve said my tackle hurts when it dangles, she said to buy my own knickers and not pinch hers. Same when I said my nipples are tender, but my own bras. In lockdown there are no barbers open so she said I should grow my hair long. I mentioned my lips were cracked so she got me lip balm. I couldn’t apply it properly so she gave me a master class in applying it. Same with face cream for my sagging face and neck skin.
I’m not ready to come out fully yet but I’m on the path and loving it. I’m loving being here in this site too.Bath night tonight and I have a hot date with Mr Gillette Fusion 5 blade. First time I will have shaved my legs and someone said on here that it’s a great feeling pulling up nylons on freshly shaved legs.
It’s an absolute wonderful feeling! You’ll feel so sexy!
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