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  • #408626
    Ruby Shoes
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    Registered On: February 9, 2020
    Topics: 5
    Replies: 3
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    Hi everyone, so roughly 9 months ago I found out quite by accident that my husband is a CD ( found pictures on the internet). Been together 20 years, married for 16 and  have 3 children.  Initially when I asked him he denied it until I pointed out I knew it was him as he has a distinctive mole on his  stomach.  He admitted he had been  doing it since a teen, which was a complete and utter shock and lots of arguments followed.  Since I’ve found out although we have talked it always ends in an argument  because  he attitude  seems to be ” well now you know, isn’t it great”  well it s not great as the person I’m married to has lied to me  the entire  relationship and  he just does not seem to get it. When we first met I had massive trust issues due to being in a  emotionally abusive relationship long before him but I’ve always been open about that. Since finding out he has admitted  that if I hadn’t found the  pictures he probably  wouldn’t have ever told me  which leads me to question  who the hell did I actually  marry? and what else hasn’t he told me.  He works away through the week and I know that’s when he does it and I  know since finding out its becoming more and more certainly within the last few months as I discovered he had made a new profile of him dressed ( it came up on my people you may know feed on fb) this is after we had a conversation about him being more careful but it seems to  have had the opposite effect  as there are pics on there of him in very  skimpy  clothes  and  underwear and  he is now wearing  makeup and  nail polish and  he keeps asking me to paint his toenails.  It’s like now I I know everything is fine and is how it is , he just does not seem to understand everything I knew has been  rocked to its core and why I’m so ******upset and angry all the time.  I’ve spoken about  counselling but he refuses  and says he isn’t prepared to speak to a stranger about it which has made me very angry as he’s  been talking to people he doesn’t really know for years about it  but seemingly I don’t matter. I’m at a point where although I love him  I can see no future because I can’t carry on feeling and being as miserable as I am and questioning everything   while  he Carries on the  same as he always has  just now I know . To the point where  a few weeks ago I  was looking at underwear online, I asked his opinion and he got very excited about a pink set I’d been looking at and then I  realized he  wasn’t thinking of me in  it   he was imagining himself in it never in my life zhave I ever felt so deflated as a woman  but just does not see it or doesn’t want to see it because  he is having such a great time. Right now I can’t see a way forward.

     

     

     

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    • #410190
      RachelAnn
      Participant
      Registered On: April 17, 2019
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 66
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      Hi Ruby,

      After reading through this thread and reading some other posts you have made I have to say I feel for you.  It makes me grateful my wife found out when she did (while we were living together before marriage).  From what I gather your main issue right now with this is the trust factor and rightfully so.  I don’t know how much anyone here can help you with that, trust is a hard thing to rebuild once it’s been lost or damaged and it surly won’t happen here.  It’s a strange thing, we don’t tell our wives out of fear of losing them, but because we didn’t tell them we may lose them because the trust more than anything was broken. High stakes gambling, on the path of least resistance I suppose.  Im sure you have issues with dressing itself as well, but trust it seems more then anything else. Would I have told my wife (then girlfriend) if she had not found out when she did? I’d like to think so, but the reality is probably not.  Would she have found out anyway, yes, eventually.  Crossdressing by its nature is a selfish hobby or compulsion or whatever you want to call it.  I too have been doing this since around the age of 10 and I do it for me.  Reasons aren’t important to list on this thread and I don’t know if I could anyway.  I don’t think the way my wife and I handle it really applies here as well.  Many have given you good advice and take from it what you will, but in my opinion the selfishness of crossdressing is what you are experiencing with him.  This compulsion can really grab a hold of us and if we aren’t careful damn everything else.
      For me, at least, it was only until I read a blog entry by another crossdresser’s wife not long ago on another site that helped me really understand what my wife might be thinking, and to be fair to her she probably doesn’t or didn’t know what she was thinking. That being said I can understand getting caught up in my own feelings about this.  I will say the shame and embarrassment factor is real, I still struggle bringing up the subject with her because i do still get embarrassed talking about it and I fear her perceptions of me will change.  I know they have to some extent but I want to make sure she knows I’m still the man she married as well.  I know it seems since he is galavanting around on the internet, that there is no shame or embarrassment, but when it comes to in-person relationships I’m almost certain there is or there would be more people in his personal life that knew.

      You seem to be at a point where you feel abandoned and betrayed and ready to call it quits. I don’t think anyone would blame you and that is your choice to make.  However, given the fact you are posting here tells me you have a little fight left in you.  If you can get him see through the pink fog to understand the consequences of how he is handling things you can maybe begin to repair things. I think the only actual piece of advice I could give is to MAKE SURE he knows and understands what is at stake with you before you make any decisions.  Try your best keep emotion out of it, as I’m sure you know that once a conversation turns defensive it’s over.

      I truly wish the two of you well.  Good luck.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #408890
      Samantha Church
      Participant
      Registered On: June 7, 2018
      Topics: 4
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      Hi ruby,

      my wife has been where you are right now, with me. She too found out through pictures that she found, on one of my old phones (she charged it up so our eldest could play games and she had a snoop on it). She was absolutely devastated and our marriage was so close to being over! We talked about it and she expressed her concerns and asked me so many questions. She said she never wanted to see me dressed as a female and said I need to speak to a therapist, which I did. Speaking to a therapist was the best thing I ever did because it made me see who and what I really am. I am genderfluid and I am proud to be able to label myself as that. Me and my wife spoke some more and we agreed on some boundaries that I won’t cross. Now every time she feels comfortable with those boundaries set we agree on more and more. Now she is comfortable with me wearing feminine clothing around the house and she doesn’t bat an eyelid at it. I also drive around late at night (usually on my way home from work) as Samantha, and I also take late night walks out as Samantha too. You certainly need to sit your husband down and have a heart to heart with him, express your feelings and definitely agree on some boundaries with him until you feel comfortable then agree some more.

       

      I honestly hope everything works out for you!

      Samantha ❤️

    • #408877
      Sonia Pink
      Participant
      Registered On: May 18, 2019
      Topics: 4
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      It must be very difficult to air your fears , I feel there is no excuse for your husbands behavior.But I think he is probably feeling a little relieved you’ve found out and that’s what your seeing!, you could go to counseling  on your own, again not ideal but it may be the start you need and he may then wish to Join you ! We should not hide our dressing from the ones we love but we do it because we are scared of the outcome if we are found out , as I said to my wife when I did tell her . It starts off with should I tell her ? Then we’ll when is the right time ? It’s very easy to keep putting blocks up for reason not to tell our better half’s and then it goes on for to long and you start thinking it’s ro late to tell , I decided to write everything down and let my wife read it . If I’m honest I didn’t get the out come I wanted but it did put it out in the open , and when we are both ready to go forwards it will hopefully make it easier . Good luck however you choose to go forward yourselfs I hope it all works out .

      sonia xxx

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    • #408831
      Angela Booth
      Participant
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 11
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      Firstly, can I express my gratitude in you putting into words exactly how you feel . This is exactly the kind of feelings that some C.D.’s need to read as it is difficult for some to appreciate how a partner can feel.
      It is not only the deceit and lies but the other questions you rightly ask. Indeed who is this person you married? You deserve answers.
      I really do not think that any individual crossdresser can give any more than their experience and, as it is vast array of them, it would confuse you. Simply it either works or it doesn’t. Relationships are about honesty and working through problems.
      From what you say you have tried to reach out but he is not prepared to engage with you. How long are you prepared to hold out for? No matter what advice is given it is a sad fact that the answer is with you.
      I feel for you.

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      • #410090
        Genevïéve
        Participant
        Registered On: July 28, 2020
        Topics: 5
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        Angela Booth wrote:

        “Firstly, can I express my gratitude in you putting into words exactly how you feel . This is exactly the kind of feelings that some C.D.’s need to read as it is difficult for some to appreciate how a partner can feel.”

         

        Exactly!!!  Someone agrees with me…. If we try and talk with our wives about our desire to wear feminine clothing/makeup and she shuts us down…. ‘who then’ can we turn to, to get a GG’s ‘perspective’ and find out how they truly feel and think

        It would be very beneficial to get inside the minds of affected GG’s so that we can have a better understanding of what they are genuinely going through…

        Peace and Love… ❤

        Gen… 💋

         

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        • #410149
          Mandy Wife
          Participant
          Registered On: September 12, 2019
          Topics: 5
          Replies: 152
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          Ask away – use the GG forum to ask questions if you want – you might get a varied response depending on how dressing came into our lives, our life experiences and our personal situations – they may or may not reflect your situation and will never substitute talking with your SO directly but I’m sure if you asked directed questions we would answer.

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    • #408820
      Celeste Starre
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 26
      Replies: 628
      Has thanked: 152 times
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      What do you hope would happen if he goes to a therapist?  If your hope is that the therapist would somehow cure him of cross dressing then your going to be disappointed. A good therapist would work with him to make him comfortable with who he is because there is no cure.

      He should have told you prior to marriage but he didn’t.  Now you have to decide whether you want to have a cross dresser for a partner.  If you do, then the two of you need to work together to find a way to work it into the relationship in a way the works for you both.  A therapist might be helpful there.  If you don’t then go your separate ways.

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      • #410091
        Genevïéve
        Participant
        Registered On: July 28, 2020
        Topics: 5
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        Yup… he is who he is. Accept him or not… Choose one.

        Gen… 💋

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    • #408816
      Cindy Lou
      Participant
      Registered On: November 18, 2020
      Topics: 4
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      Hello Ruby, I’m sorry your going through all this. I don’t know your whole story, but perhaps things aren’t as bad as you think they are. Perhaps your husband doesn’t need any counseling other than in house with you, from reading your post he hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary or harmful. Now all this is out the window if part of your story includes that he’s been looking for some kind of relationship outside of your marriage, but if not you two need to keep talking and talking. If you truly love each other there is a road that brings you both to do a wonderful future together, it’s largely up to you and your husband if you end up taking that road or not.

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    • #408813
      Jane Borden
      Participant
      Registered On: February 7, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 21
      Has thanked: 8 times
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      Well, I am in the position of a deceitful crossdresser who has not disclosed to my SO or nearly anyone else.

      I feel I am a jerk as I am not prepared to come clean and yet I cannot stop wearing these oh so desirable clothes.

      I do love my wife but I am doing something she would hate if she new about. I think she would, quite correctly, feel  very similar to Ruby. She entered into a relationship which has a very basic lie at its centre, through no fault of hers.

      And I cannot explain why I am so deceitful-I do not want to be, but I cannot stop myself, when the Pink Fog descends.

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    • #408811
      Jill Sweet
      Participant
      Registered On: November 2, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 69
      Has thanked: 99 times
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      Hi Ruby

      Sorry for all you are going through. I can hear your pain and I empathize with you. I was going to write you a long note with my thoughts and my experience as a husband, father and CD. Jennifer’s post above is spot on. Wonderful Jennifer. I am have been there, at least a little bit. Your husband just found out that the Ferrari he had in the garage is now drivable, He doesn’t just get to sit in it and pretend, Sorry I like metaphor. He is so focused on the thrill he isn’t looking around at how it affect the other people. I suggest that this will pass and become much more even keeled. I didn’t ever think I needed therapy for anything especially this. I did and it helped a lot. Helped me and brought perspective to my marriage. My marriage has always come first, and again my wife and I agree, Jill doesnt go anywhere or doing anything unless we are both comfortable. Your husband may see therapy as someone going to suppress or even “cure” his crossdressing. He doesn’t want this. Patience and trust are the way through this to peace for him.

      Ruby, I hope this helps and I know these are very challenging times but, and I may get flack for this, your partner is somewhat in crisis and needs to talk to you and someone he can reflect with.

      Just my thoughts

      jill

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    • #408795
      Jennifer McCrennaugh
      Participant
      Registered On: July 18, 2019
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 143
      Has thanked: 2417 times
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      Hi Ruby,

      I truly feel for you. It’s a terrible situation you’ve found yourself in. In my opinion your husband is experiencing something often called the “Pink Fog.” When you didn’t forbid his crossdressing outright as he likely feared you would, he probably took that as carte blanche to go ahead hog wild. In a way, though it’s wrong for him to act that way if you look at it from his standpoint it is probably somewhat predictable. He has had this “situation” for years. It has had to be totally repressed and hidden due to the real fears of repercussions (professional, societal and familial) if he was ever discovered. It was probably his deepest, darkest secret. That fear of discovery has driven more than one man to severe depression and even suicide. Your unexpected discovery removed some of that fear and in his euphoria he sounds like he’s gone way overboard. (Kid in a candy store)

      You two need to talk and he needs to calm down and agree to some reasonable compromise if things are to improve.

      I dont agree that there is no future as long as you both can learn to accommodate this new factor in your lives. It CAN be done. But since he is the one who dropped this into your family he should be willing to be mature enough to see that your feelings are not ignored. In other words you both need to COMMUNICATE. It’s the only thing that can help. Tell him calmly, as plainly and as unemtionally as possible what you’ve posted here. It sounds like he doesn’t get it yet. Help him to get it. Spell it out. Don’t assume he can read between the lines. He’s still a man and we don’t think like women do. (Even us crossdressers ☺)

      Best of luck Ruby. Lean on the folks here. I’ve found them to be wonderful people.

      -Jen

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    • #408751
      Dani CD
      Participant
      Registered On: September 10, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 44
      Has thanked: 168 times
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      Hi Ruby,                                                                     You’re situation cuts very close to me only the shoe is on the other foot. I have been with my beautiful wife for 20 years (married 14) and have 3 amazing children. I used to dress when I went away for work (only for me) and when ever I was alone and could at home. I started dressing after I met my wife, she sort of got me into it accidentally, but once the bug bit I was hooked and I wanted to dress when ever I could and dressing made me feel happy and like the real me. I new my wife didn’t approve so I only did it in private and was very carful not to get found out because I thought it was only my problem and if nobody new it wouldn’t be a problem. Eventually I stuffed up and left my wig brush out which ended up in massive arguments, me getting rid of all my cd things and massive trust issues. Eventually I realized going behind my wife’s back , even though I had good intentions was far worse than my cross dressing, I also had to come to terms that because of the way of the world we live in at present my cross dressing could affect the ones I love the most in a negative way and I could end up loosing everything.  Cross dressing will always be there for me, I think about it daily, my wife and I are taking baby steps in that area, I don’t dress anymore but I know I will again one day but only when my wife is ready.                         There is no winner’s in your situation if both parties can’t come to a compromise.                    I’m lucky I found CDH, it makes it that little bit easier being able to chat to all the wonderful people on this site and for now that is my cross dressing fix.                                                                Ruby, I hope this helps and I hope you and your husband can come up with something that works for both of you.                                     Dani👩🏻‍🔧xoxo

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    • #408632
      Laura Lovett
      Participant
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 449
      Has thanked: 1262 times
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      Sutekina, what a horrible response!

      You do not know this man – you’ve insulted Ruby’s husband.

      It’s obvious why he kept this away from you – it’s what MOST cross dressing men do.

      We’ve been brought up to believe that what we do is wrong – and so we keep it a secret from everyone, especially our loved wives, who we emphatically do not want to lose.

      It’s only clothes – all manner of people enjoy wearing clothes.

      Why shouldn’t a man wear a dress if he wants to?

      That DOES NOT automatically make him gay, a woman or anything else that he’s not.

      He’s your husband and he obviously loves you, and he obviously loves dressing up.

      He’s not a  different person, please get this into your head.

      There were very good reasons for hiding a predeliction for cross dressing in the past – you could get beaten up, ostracized or killed for it – and it’s against the law in some countries.

      Nowadays, we have gender awareness week (This Week!!!), when we recognise the difficulties faced by people and families of people who are on the rainbow gender spectrum.

      Hint:

      That’s all of us human beings.

      Love Laura

      • #409766
        Sutekina
        Participant
        Registered On: January 27, 2020
        Topics: 2
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        Thanks for your rebuke. Well deserved. But…

        She’s 9 months in. She’s giving him tons of chances and trying to understand it/him. He’s not giving her mercy and she’s at wits end. He needs to know how much emotional turmoil she’s in. Marriage is mutual. He needs to address her emotional needs as much as she wants to address his. Sometimes that means he shouldn’t dress. She’s letting him dress in front of her, but maybe she wants a break once in awhile and he should respect her and give her that break.

        He has it great. It was discovered, she didn’t kick him out, she’s trying to understand.

        I’m jealous of those who have fully accepting wives and shop together. I want that. But I’m not going to force it either.

        He needs to wake up and realize how great he has it. It can continue if he would only start listening.

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    • #408628
      Sutekina
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      Registered On: January 27, 2020
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      First, he’s a jerk.

      Second, please join the Wives forum. There’s many in your shoes with husbands all over the map. I hope you’ll find a person there who can help you navigate this bomb you never wanted.

      Third, he’s a jerk, but if you could muster up the energy to find resources, someone who could talk to him and tell him to wake up and smell the coffee and realize how good he’s got it (I mean, you’re 9 months in and didn’t storm out with the kids), that he’s gotta stop being selfish and keep the best thing that’s happened to him.

      I don’t mean to insult the ladies here by calling him a jerk, but come on, how much more selfish can you get? He has the gall to ask you to paint his toe nails but not give comfort to you and answer questions you deserve to have answered properly?

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      • #408629
        Ruby Shoes
        Participant
        Registered On: February 9, 2020
        Topics: 5
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        Hi I did post in the wives section and have had alot of support and advice  but it was also  suggested I  post elsewhere  to get a possible  perspective from the other side and I guess opinions from  those that have  done the same thing and lied for a long time. He says he loves me, he says he doesn’t want to be a woman full time  do I believe him . No I don’t which makes me feel like a terrible person.  I think he has done this for so long and has enjoyed the secrecy and lies that however he has justified it in his head it’s absolutely fine with him , while I’m falling apart

         

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        • #410105
          Genevïéve
          Participant
          Registered On: July 28, 2020
          Topics: 5
          Replies: 293
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          Ruby Shoes wrote:

          “Hi I did post in the wives section and have had alot of support and advice  but it was also  suggested I  post elsewhere  to get a possible  perspective from the other side and I guess opinions from  those that have  done the same thing and lied for a long time.”

           

          Getting the CD perspective… Best of both worlds… Hmmmm…. 😉

          Gen… 💋

        • #409772
          Sutekina
          Participant
          Registered On: January 27, 2020
          Topics: 2
          Replies: 77
          Has thanked: 1261 times
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          So you know by now that it’s a compulsion, and the compulsion increases with age. For myself, I’ve tried to quit many times but it keeps coming back. It’s more than habit. But there’s something I learned recently that was like revelation to me. There’s so many challenges that either did not exist or was not understood when I was growing up, but my children have all these experts in everything and we can now pinpoint challenges and address them with changes in lifestyle or meds.

          I discovered that seams in clothing is a thing that could cause irritation. When that happens, it’s as simple as wearing clothes inside-out so the seams are on the outside. But there’s also seamless clothing now being produced to address this challenge. For me, it’s texture. Women’s clothing are almost always softer. Every time men’s fashion introduces something similar to women’s clothing, it raises lots of eyebrows. But a few years later, it returns to normal. I wore jogging tights (under shorts) at a summer event 2 years ago and I was the only one. Prior to that, you might see the odd basketball player wearing it. But today, while not popular, it has become an acceptable activewear for the few guys to wear it and no one bats an eye.

          The other challenge is compression and it has been proven that active children (often ADHD) calm down with compression, either tighter fitting clothing, a weighted vest, weighted toy or weighted blanket. Tights and pantyhose give this kind of compression that men have never experienced before but provide comfort.

          Combine soft fabrics and compression, you’ve got a winning combo…which does not really exist in male clothing. Men’s running pants with 90% polyester and 10% spandex averages $40 on the low end. Take women’s running tights, with the same fabric content and their prices start around $10. They are not Lululemons, but still provides the same feeling. I don’t think anyone can give a comprehensive answer for the reasons of compulsion.

          Women’s clothing feels great and are much more accessible. Women’s section in any department store is 2 to 3 times larger than men’s.

          As for frilly, that changes from person to person. For me, it escalated from basic clothing to prettier items. It doesn’t change my orientation.

          My wife does not tolerate, but that does not stop me from dressing. I wear leggings primarily and in this winter season, that’s basically everyday. I’d like to wear more, but that’s what I can do to keep my sanity.

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