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  • #603920
    Donna Allen
    Registered On: October 18, 2019
    Topics: 4
    Replies: 33
    Has thanked: 62 times
    Been thanked: 151 times

    My marriage is extremely important to me. Before meeting my wife my life was in the gutter. Literally. I was living in my parents rat infested garage, struggling to stay sober and completely lost. I credit her with raising me up out of that hellhole. I love her dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with her. Some of the negative aspects of my life with her are covered in this post. Today we have reached a mostly satisfactory balance point with my femme self as a result of many compromises. On with the story…

    My wife knew about my femme self before we were together as a couple. However, (I should probably bold the word), once we were together she wanted to closet me, even to the point of locking up my girl stuff. Outings were to be scheduled in advance and take place miles away from home. The outings came less and less frequently and only when I begged.

    Over the years I dressed when I could. I even got to the point where I would dress up for my commute to work and then find a place to change nearby the office.

    I was diagnosed as a transsexual in the early nineties by a therapist and when I  relayed that news the sh!t hit the fan! I had to promise I would never act on that, which I didn’t act on for another ten years.

    Of course my femme side knew nothing of this agreement and continually found ways to express herself, many times to my detriment at work. I almost always wore pantyhose under my work pants without any attempt to hide the fact I was wearing women’s hosiery. I would change into a dress at lunchtime and walk along the Bay path near the office.

    Eventually, in the early 2000’s it had gotten to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. I would literally be in tears when I had to change out of my femme things into drab. A new therapist, this one a prominent psychiatrist in the transgender field, diagnosed me again as transsexual and prescribed hormone therapy. I took the plunge. For a few months I kept this secret from my wife, but eventually my breasts began to develop and I had to confess to taking the hormones. Obviously this was not received well.

    After about two years I decided to start going to work as a woman. This triggered a six month separation, although we still lived in the same house. It was my wife who broke the ice expressing her love for me and her willingness to work out a way forward.

    A few years later I had a major breakdown as a result of the mortgage crash. I lost a high paying underwriting position when the company folded and I was plunged into some serious financial woes. The breakdown unfortunately occurred at the office I was working at at the time, making less than half of what I made before. I was negotiating short sales for homeowners facing foreclosure (I was also facing foreclosure). The pressure was immense, the banks mostly were uncooperative and people’s lives were affected greatly by our performance of our duties. My coworker was really irritable one day. She slammed a file (the size of a phone book), on my desk almost crushing my hand. I snapped. I threw my coffee cup against the wall, screamed obscenities at her and stormed out of the office. The worst of it was that I had completely fallen in love with this co-worker. She never spoke to me again.

    I now entered the darkest days of my life. I was hospitalized several times following suicide attempts. One day sitting in the psych ward I looked out the window and saw my wife walking our beloved Chihuahua and my heart opened and I felt a love like nothing I had ever experienced before. My Dr. was present in the room and saw the transformation in me. He released me the next day even though he had just signed a fourteen day hold on me a few minutes before.

    It took a while, but I finally have returned to a healthy mental state. A chapter 13 bankruptcy saved the house and eliminated our debt load. We finally sold the house five years ago and we were able to purchase a new home with the proceeds. We now live debt free and are very comfortable in our home. I am living as a gender non-conforming man, which seems to suit my wife so long as her family doesn’t see me wearing femme clothes.

    It’s not necessarily the way my life would have unfolded if I hadn’t met my wife as I was well on my way to living as a woman full-time, but I might also be dead as a result of alcoholism. Who knows. (Sorry, got a bit long-winded)!

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    • #603949
      Michelle McQueen
      Registered On: June 14, 2021
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 852
      Has thanked: 4734 times
      Been thanked: 4484 times

      Hi Donna.

      Thank you for sharing your story.

      I think most everyone here can relate to some parts of your life. Happy you have reached a place where you can live on this planet. Its not easy. Reach out to your sisters here, we are all supportive of one another as it should be.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #603946
      Angela Booth
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 772
      Has thanked: 2855 times
      Been thanked: 3899 times

      That is a heartrending but heartwarming tale. It just shows that love does conquer all.. Thank you

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #603928
      Lara Tucker
      Registered On: September 29, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 330
      Has thanked: 7987 times
      Been thanked: 1448 times

      Oh Donna,

      you certainly have had a hard life! Glad you found that wife, even if you can’t be the girl you want to most of the time. It sounds like she saved you more than once!

      Hopefully you can work to a place together that will make you both happy.


      • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Lara Tucker. Reason: Emoji
      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #603934
        Donna Allen
        Registered On: October 18, 2019
        Topics: 4
        Replies: 33
        Has thanked: 62 times
        Been thanked: 151 times

        Thank you. We have found a happy place right now. I have some inner stuff that needs working out. It’s why I’m here.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #603984
          Registered On: May 17, 2016
          Topics: 0
          Replies: 216
          Has thanked: 238 times
          Been thanked: 704 times

          Thank you Donna for telling your story.You have certainly been through a lot. It sounds like your wife really loves you. The keyword in my life is balance. I have accepted that my wife will never have anything to do with my femme side. She has known about it 40 years.
          Yours Terri

          1 user thanked author for this post.
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