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  • #491133
    Ashley Konners
    Participant
    Registered On: August 15, 2020
    Topics: 20
    Replies: 292
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    Good morning ladies,

    Well I have read about this before and now I’m living it.  My wife who has been amazing I thought wanted to talk last night. She now informed me that she doesn’t think she can stay with me after 26 years of marriage as she thinks i may be trans and want to dress 24/7 other then work.  I’ve told her many times that this isn’t the case.  Yes I’m dressing and going out more as suggested by my counsellor but still in the perimeters of our agreement. She apologized for not letting me know sooner as she has been thinking about it for a bit now.  I always ask her if she is ok with things and the answer is always yes. She still asks if Ashley would clean the house for her , and she hasn’t seen Ashley for a while. I totally understand that this whole thing can be hard on her but I do and have followed the guidelines. I was taken back by this comment of leaving as I’m finally at terms with myself as a crossdresser after all the years of guilt and shame. Numerous counselling sessions who all mention it’s part of who I am and to embrace it. She said she still wants me to be happy but doesn’t see herself living with a “woman” 24/7.  I and I think most would agree I can’t just stop crossdressing after all these years and as of late going out in public and feeling very comfortable doing so.  When she asked if I could guarantee I wouldn’t go full time we all know there are no guarantees in life other then death and taxes.  I told her yes Ashley is a huge part of me but I can’t see into the future. She agreed and said that worries her.  Any ideas or experiences with this happening? As I mentioned a few posts ago I’ve recently come out to her sister in law ( her sister ) and she loves Ashley. She said she loves her sister but also mentioned she can be selfish at times. She thinks I should talk about why it’s ok to be Ashley to clean or do the laundry and explain to her that once we are empty nesters I won’t dress 24/7. If it seems like I dress every time kids are away shouldn’t mean I’ll dress everyday when there gone for good but rather I’m taking advantage of them not home to be able to dress stress free. We have always been close and I appreciate her being there for me.  Now she doesn’t want to see us split but has said she wants to still be in my life if it did go that way.   I’m at a loss and very upset with this whole thing but do understand her feeling.  I guess time will tell the out come.  Thanks for listening ladies.
    A very confused,

    Ashley❤️

Viewing 16 reply threads
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    • #491959
      Regi Kelly
      Princess
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 36
      Replies: 1053
      Has thanked: 11175 times
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      Im so sorry to hear this, Ashley, its a tough one
      We really cant predict the future, When my wife accepted me, as Regi, I had absolutely no desire to transition, in any way, I was quite happy just presenting as a woman, now, I’m not so sure, I have looked at breast enhancement, HRT, etc, so who knows? Im still not planning on it, but the thoughts are there?
      My best advice, is still to talk, a lot, see if you can figure out the cause of her reversal, and take steps, as much as you can, to help her deal with them
      Hugs, Regi👸💕

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491961
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
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        Yes we have talked about it but I think maybe she had a bad day as she suggested I dress the next day after our chat.  I don’t except her to live with me as a woman full time as that’s not who she married .

        Ashley

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #491948
      Rita Tory
      Baroness
      Registered On: February 5, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 28
      Has thanked: 49 times
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      Tough one and impossible for any of us to know what’s really at the root of this. My heart goes out to you and her. Here are a few observations: 1) the first casualty of this world is trust it may only be a skin graze, it may be fatal but trust is fundamental to any relationship because in an intimate relationship you are baring all and that makes you vulnerable. 2) Uncertainty is scary and the longer you’ve been together the harder it can be to have your world rocked. 3) many women simply don’t want to live with another woman. 4) the human brain is both wonderful and mysterious add deep seated emotion into its machinations and who knows what will bubble to the surface. That’s just some things to thing about in terms of what MIGHT be going on in your wife’s head.

      There are two things I would warn against 1) Don’t quote your sister-in-law: that “she’s selfish” comment would suggest all is not rosy between the two sisters; 2) she has been willing to talk, accept your revelation and work with you, so why not try something along the lines of “I understand you are feeling uncertain about the future, why wouldn’t you be when there has already been a seismic shift in your world. I don’t want to lose you, how can we work together to ease your fears about the future” or however you would say something like that. The fact that she hasn’t asked Ashley to do the cleaning for a while is indicative that she is troubled. Go gently and try to encourage her to share her true worries. be patient and show her that you are still fundamentally the person she married and maybe you can work it out together. But above all don’t imply that she is wrong to be worried. Hope you are able to work it out and very best wishes to both of you.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491965
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
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        Thanks Rita, well I know they get along great so when her sister makes comments like that it’s not in a mean way. We have talked all about my desires to dress more.  I think and understand she may worry as she has seen Ashley go from hiding in the bedroom to going out in public and sharing my secret with others that are close. We had this chat and the very next day she suggested I dress up that night .  A touch confusing to say the least.
        hugs

        Ashley

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #491795
      Lisa Wilson
      Lady
      Registered On: March 8, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 21
      Has thanked: 113 times
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      Ashley,

      So sorry to hear the sudden turn of events in your marriage. This is always tough, and yes they do change their minds on things often, but we do as well.

      Something most likely caused her to change her mind. Was it you going out more ? Was it something she heard, or read ? As others have mentioned, was it her fear that you would transition ? It’s very common to hear women say, “I didn’t sign on to this, I thought I was marrying a man”. I’ve heard that from my wife, and I’m sure many girls here have as well.

      It’s really hard to have others accept us, the way we feel they should. Sometimes they do for a while, sometimes never. In many cases, they start out OK with it until they really think about it. I think you have had some good ideas thrown out here by the group. You do have to decide what is most important ultimately , and that may be a tough choice to make. I do go out a fair amount, but I did tell my wife I would not transition (over 20 years ago) . Do I know I won’t ? No, but I really feel that I never will and felt comfortable assuring her of that.

      I like Jamie’s idea of joint counseling, if your wife will go. She may not want to go to your counselor (for fear yours will back you up ), so you may have to be prepared to go to a neutral one. My wife and I almost divorced 10 years ago and luckily as a last resort went to a marriage counselor. He got us to see that we really had a lot more good than bad in our marriage. Worth a try ? Sorry to ramble, but we are all just trying to help.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491807
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
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        Thanks so much and I do appreciate all the suggestions hun.  I don’t want to have to make choice but rather hope things work out so we are both happy.
        Thanks

        Ashley

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #491746
      Mandy Wife
      Baroness
      Registered On: September 12, 2019
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 229
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      That’s a difficult one to understand or deal with.  I wish I could offer some sort of explanation from a wives point of view but I don’t have experience of it so can’t really.

      It sounds to me as if she is concerned about your future.  Have you been dressing more often or more freely recently or anything that she may see as a “cause for concern”?

      The only other thing I could suggest is seeing if she would join here and join the SOs group for some advice and possible reassurance from wives who have dealt with dressing for a while and know that it doesn’t always lead to a transition or 24/7 dressing?

      • #491786
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
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        I suggested the same thing. She has done some reading up in it . We may go to my counsellor  together and see how that goes.  Yes she is concerned as I am dressing and going out a lot more even with us still in stay home order.  I think she will settle down as next day after chat she suggested I dress as kids were gone.

        A confused Ashley.

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        • #491936
          Mandy Wife
          Baroness
          Registered On: September 12, 2019
          Topics: 7
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          That’s good then, she’s trying but she’s just scared by the sounds of it so keep talking.  If you are comfortable with backing off going out a bit then that may help, maybe a case of just too much just now.

          A lot of people have struggled with the stay at home and isolation rules this past year and it has affected everyone differently so any return to normal feels alien as well – I still don’t want to go to a busy shopping centre at a weekend or out for a meal with my girl friends, the thought sends me into a panic.

          Joint counselling sounds good, but yes, maybe offer to find a neutral counsellor if she feels that will help?

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    • #491726
      Jerri Newman
      Lady
      Registered On: October 30, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 16
      Has thanked: 133 times
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      Ashley, it looks like you’re going to have to cool the dressing for a bit or for a longer span of time, in order to make your wife feel more comfortable. It sucks, for sure. For me, dressing isn’t absolutely everything… So I would factor in what I want out of my total life rather than just the dressing part of it. Good luck!!

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491782
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
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        Hey Jerri, I hear what your saying and agree but I find it hard to stop.  I’ve been dressing more and going out way more and loving it.  No I don’t want to lose her and yes I will do my best to please her. Not putting it on her but she changes her mind a lot.  Yesterday was first day after our chat and she suggested I dress as kids gone for a few days.  I think she was in a bad place that day with being stuck at home for 14 months and we just had to put our 11 month old puppy down.   Thanks for the reply

        hugs

        Ashley.

        3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #491824
          Genevïéve
          Lady
          Registered On: July 28, 2020
          Topics: 30
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          I’m so sorry your loss Ashley… 😥

          Gen ❤

          2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #491894
            Ashley Konners
            Lady
            Registered On: August 15, 2020
            Topics: 20
            Replies: 292
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            Thank you hun!🤗

        • #491783
          Jerri Newman
          Lady
          Registered On: October 30, 2020
          Topics: 0
          Replies: 16
          Has thanked: 133 times
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          Ashley, of course it’s hard to stop. Dressing like a woman…being a woman… is amazing.  If you are going to curb this obsession a bit you need to think about what you would do instead. One compulsion is best replaced with a different one.

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #491521
      Pumped Forheels
      Lady
      Registered On: November 22, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 83
      Has thanked: 2 times
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      This can be a bit strange because your wife is afraid of the unknown more than anything. If she thought about it does she really want to separate, live on her own, deal with starting new relationships over living with you?

      When my wife found out about my CD’ing she was fully against it, but slowly gave in and today I dress when I want, but I don’t go out of the house. We went through a tough time and I asked her if she had thought of divorce and she said “No way!” She told me I was still better than starting over!

      My wife askes me to “be her man” once in a while and I put the dresses away for the day. I realize she deserves some “guy time” too.

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      • #491525
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
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        See my wife was the opposite in our case.  Of course she had all the text book questions when I told her but was very understanding and become totally supportive. She said she wants me to do what makes me happy. Started buying me dresses and skirt, panties. She gave me a bunch of makeup and applied it for me a few times.
        And now here we are with talk of leaving me.

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        • #491925
          Pumped Forheels
          Lady
          Registered On: November 22, 2020
          Topics: 2
          Replies: 83
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          That seems very unfair when she helped promote it. You two need to talk, and perhaps with a professional. Will she accept if you back down and stop dressing as often, and less or never around her? Also I wonder if something else has come between you two and the CD’ing is an easy excuse.

          1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #491960
            Ashley Konners
            Lady
            Registered On: August 15, 2020
            Topics: 20
            Replies: 292
            Has thanked: 1084 times
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            Yes hun I have suggested some counselling and thought the same but my sister-in-law doesn’t like that’s the case but rather thinking ahead. Doesn’t want to be old and alone if I was to dress full time as she doesn’t want that.  I’ve told her many times I can’t see that happening but when she asked me if she was to give me the green light would I dress everyday so I answered honestly and said yes I would.  This concerned her I guess.
            thanks

            Ashley

          • #492082
            Pumped Forheels
            Lady
            Registered On: November 22, 2020
            Topics: 2
            Replies: 83
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            I find it strange she is thinking about leaving you because you might dress 24/7. She can leave if that happens.

            I might have sex with the cutie next door, but it hasn’t happened yet! Should my wife leave me because of that?

    • #491200
      Julie Shaw
      Lady
      Registered On: September 3, 2015
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 55
      Has thanked: 267 times
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      Sorry for your situation, Sweetie, but I have to disagree. Once you know/decide who you are, then you CAN make promises for the future.  When I realized I am a hetero MTF Cross Dresser and not wanting to fully become a woman, I could ease my wife’s fears (somewhat) about losing her husband.  You need to understand (as fully as anyone can) who you are and what your journey is, THEN you can move forward.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491224
        Celeste Starre
        Lady
        Registered On: June 26, 2018
        Topics: 40
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        The one problem with that is no one truly knows how they will feel about anything in the future.  Most of the time what you say is true but I’ve personally known several CD’s that said they were perfectly content to just crossdress and then years later they transitioned. It’s one of those never say never things.

        5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #491196
      Paula Hess
      Lady
      Registered On: January 8, 2021
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 107
      Has thanked: 1002 times
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      I’m so sorry to hear this and you’re right we can’t just stop dressing, it’s not a light switch but I hope it does work out   Thank you for sharing.

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491204
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
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        Thank you Paula.

    • #491189
      LisaT
      Lady
      Registered On: January 31, 2021
      Topics: 57
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      Thank you for sharing this Ashley. I’m recently out with my wife and so far it’s settling down quite well. We have boundaries which are from my perspective very generous and I know how much she is givin* to meet m needs. You remind me to be constantly mindful of this and that it can go wrong.

      I do hope you can get things back on track but it is hard with our femme side being so comforting maintaining the maleness sufficient to meet our partners needs. However as my wife reminds me, if she wanted an intimate relationship with a woman she wouldn’t have married me.

      Good luck

      Lisa xxx

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    • #491180
      Michelle Trott
      Duchess
      Registered On: April 7, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 206
      Has thanked: 374 times
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      Hi Ashley. I am so sorry to hear about  your bad news. It puts you in such a bad position. I know for myself the more I try not to dress the harder it is not to dress. I hope you can find some middle ground with her. I know how stressful it can be. Good luck. Hugs.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491212
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
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        Thank you Michelle, I hope so as I know I can’t completely stop but I have stayed to our past agreements on what she is good with so it is very hard for me to hear this now that I’ve gained the confidence and acceptance of myself.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #491170
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 40
      Replies: 1029
      Has thanked: 304 times
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      The ball is in her court so to speak. You’ve done your part and now she has to decide if she can live with it or not.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491213
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
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        Yes I think it is as I’ve asked what will be good with her but she hasn’t given me an answer.

    • #491166
      Amelia Love
      Lady
      Registered On: March 4, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 66
      Has thanked: 196 times
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      Hey Ashley;

      I’m sorry to hear this news of a new struggle to navigate through.  I cannot imagine how hard this is on both you and your wife. I wish the best outcome for you and your relationship.

      Hugs Amelia 🎀

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491232
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
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        Thanks so much.

    • #491165
      Jamie Peridot
      Lady
      Registered On: February 19, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 267
      Has thanked: 1568 times
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      Hi Ashley.
      I am sorry to hear of your wife’s change of heart.😥 I am far from an expert so don’t think of this as more than a suggestion. Have you tried JOINT counseling? If your counselor is supportive and encouraging you to dress more, maybe they can reasure your wife that the fact you have respected boundaries up to now is a good indicator that you will repect them in the future. Sometimes an objective third party can help work out what appears to be impasses in a relationship. Big hugs!🤗🤗

    • #491152
      Genevïéve
      Lady
      Registered On: July 28, 2020
      Topics: 30
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      Has thanked: 11452 times
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      Sorry to hear Ashley… 😢

      Choosing the right path is often difficult. Follow your heart.

      Gen ❤

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491461
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
        Been thanked: 1182 times

        Thank you Gen. 🤗

    • #491148
      Diane Rakers
      Lady
      Registered On: August 18, 2019
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 716
      Has thanked: 1256 times
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      So sorry Ashley.

      Maybe it will take nothing more than a little less Ashley.

      I’ve been a CDH member for two years and there are so many cases of a supportive spouse becoming unaccepting about dressing.

      One of the key points in our profiles is the SO “knowing”. There are so many bad outcomes.

      I think my wife “knows” somewhat, but we are in a “don’t ask/don’t tell” mode.

      I know that I do not want a girl and girl relationship with my wife. I have a feminine side which I want to nourish, but that is for me and the emotional peace that womanhood brings to me.

      Ashley, would you like to chat in a PM format.

      Diane

       

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491462
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
        Been thanked: 1182 times

        Thanks Diane.

    • #491136
      Samantha Jo
      Lady
      Registered On: April 3, 2021
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 55
      Has thanked: 166 times
      Been thanked: 282 times

      Hi Ashley

      Sorry to hear of the dilemma you find yourself in, going from ‘I totally understand to I cannot do this anymore must be heart breaking  for you. But all I can do is wish you the very best of luck in the difficult decisions you and your wife have to make.

      Samantha x

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #491135
      Trisha Lilly Hibbert
      Baroness
      Registered On: December 8, 2020
      Topics: 39
      Replies: 706
      Has thanked: 3201 times
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      Hi Ashley I wish you luck in your situation. It sounds heart breaking. I wish I could offer you some advice but I haven’t had to go though anything like it so don’t know what you could do. I hope you are able to work something out.

      Love Trish

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #491140
        Ashley Konners
        Lady
        Registered On: August 15, 2020
        Topics: 20
        Replies: 292
        Has thanked: 1084 times
        Been thanked: 1182 times

        Thanks Trish, I hope so as well.
        hugs

        Ashley

        1 user thanked author for this post.
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