- May 12, 2021 at 2:42 am #491133Ashley KonnersParticipantRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
Good morning ladies,
Well I have read about this before and now I’m living it. My wife who has been amazing I thought wanted to talk last night. She now informed me that she doesn’t think she can stay with me after 26 years of marriage as she thinks i may be trans and want to dress 24/7 other then work. I’ve told her many times that this isn’t the case. Yes I’m dressing and going out more as suggested by my counsellor but still in the perimeters of our agreement. She apologized for not letting me know sooner as she has been thinking about it for a bit now. I always ask her if she is ok with things and the answer is always yes. She still asks if Ashley would clean the house for her , and she hasn’t seen Ashley for a while. I totally understand that this whole thing can be hard on her but I do and have followed the guidelines. I was taken back by this comment of leaving as I’m finally at terms with myself as a crossdresser after all the years of guilt and shame. Numerous counselling sessions who all mention it’s part of who I am and to embrace it. She said she still wants me to be happy but doesn’t see herself living with a “woman” 24/7. I and I think most would agree I can’t just stop crossdressing after all these years and as of late going out in public and feeling very comfortable doing so. When she asked if I could guarantee I wouldn’t go full time we all know there are no guarantees in life other then death and taxes. I told her yes Ashley is a huge part of me but I can’t see into the future. She agreed and said that worries her. Any ideas or experiences with this happening? As I mentioned a few posts ago I’ve recently come out to her sister in law ( her sister ) and she loves Ashley. She said she loves her sister but also mentioned she can be selfish at times. She thinks I should talk about why it’s ok to be Ashley to clean or do the laundry and explain to her that once we are empty nesters I won’t dress 24/7. If it seems like I dress every time kids are away shouldn’t mean I’ll dress everyday when there gone for good but rather I’m taking advantage of them not home to be able to dress stress free. We have always been close and I appreciate her being there for me. Now she doesn’t want to see us split but has said she wants to still be in my life if it did go that way. I’m at a loss and very upset with this whole thing but do understand her feeling. I guess time will tell the out come. Thanks for listening ladies.
A very confused,
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- May 14, 2021 at 2:12 am #491959Regi KellyPrincessRegistered On: October 9, 2020Topics: 36Replies: 1053Has thanked: 11175 timesBeen thanked: 4621 times
Im so sorry to hear this, Ashley, its a tough one
We really cant predict the future, When my wife accepted me, as Regi, I had absolutely no desire to transition, in any way, I was quite happy just presenting as a woman, now, I’m not so sure, I have looked at breast enhancement, HRT, etc, so who knows? Im still not planning on it, but the thoughts are there?
My best advice, is still to talk, a lot, see if you can figure out the cause of her reversal, and take steps, as much as you can, to help her deal with them
- May 14, 2021 at 12:50 am #491948Rita ToryBaronessRegistered On: February 5, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 28Has thanked: 49 timesBeen thanked: 87 times
Tough one and impossible for any of us to know what’s really at the root of this. My heart goes out to you and her. Here are a few observations: 1) the first casualty of this world is trust it may only be a skin graze, it may be fatal but trust is fundamental to any relationship because in an intimate relationship you are baring all and that makes you vulnerable. 2) Uncertainty is scary and the longer you’ve been together the harder it can be to have your world rocked. 3) many women simply don’t want to live with another woman. 4) the human brain is both wonderful and mysterious add deep seated emotion into its machinations and who knows what will bubble to the surface. That’s just some things to thing about in terms of what MIGHT be going on in your wife’s head.
There are two things I would warn against 1) Don’t quote your sister-in-law: that “she’s selfish” comment would suggest all is not rosy between the two sisters; 2) she has been willing to talk, accept your revelation and work with you, so why not try something along the lines of “I understand you are feeling uncertain about the future, why wouldn’t you be when there has already been a seismic shift in your world. I don’t want to lose you, how can we work together to ease your fears about the future” or however you would say something like that. The fact that she hasn’t asked Ashley to do the cleaning for a while is indicative that she is troubled. Go gently and try to encourage her to share her true worries. be patient and show her that you are still fundamentally the person she married and maybe you can work it out together. But above all don’t imply that she is wrong to be worried. Hope you are able to work it out and very best wishes to both of you.
- May 14, 2021 at 2:30 am #491965Ashley KonnersLadyRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
Thanks Rita, well I know they get along great so when her sister makes comments like that it’s not in a mean way. We have talked all about my desires to dress more. I think and understand she may worry as she has seen Ashley go from hiding in the bedroom to going out in public and sharing my secret with others that are close. We had this chat and the very next day she suggested I dress up that night . A touch confusing to say the least.
- May 13, 2021 at 3:22 pm #491795Lisa WilsonLadyRegistered On: March 8, 2021Topics: 2Replies: 21Has thanked: 113 timesBeen thanked: 111 times
So sorry to hear the sudden turn of events in your marriage. This is always tough, and yes they do change their minds on things often, but we do as well.
Something most likely caused her to change her mind. Was it you going out more ? Was it something she heard, or read ? As others have mentioned, was it her fear that you would transition ? It’s very common to hear women say, “I didn’t sign on to this, I thought I was marrying a man”. I’ve heard that from my wife, and I’m sure many girls here have as well.
It’s really hard to have others accept us, the way we feel they should. Sometimes they do for a while, sometimes never. In many cases, they start out OK with it until they really think about it. I think you have had some good ideas thrown out here by the group. You do have to decide what is most important ultimately , and that may be a tough choice to make. I do go out a fair amount, but I did tell my wife I would not transition (over 20 years ago) . Do I know I won’t ? No, but I really feel that I never will and felt comfortable assuring her of that.
I like Jamie’s idea of joint counseling, if your wife will go. She may not want to go to your counselor (for fear yours will back you up ), so you may have to be prepared to go to a neutral one. My wife and I almost divorced 10 years ago and luckily as a last resort went to a marriage counselor. He got us to see that we really had a lot more good than bad in our marriage. Worth a try ? Sorry to ramble, but we are all just trying to help.
- May 13, 2021 at 4:01 pm #491807LadyRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
Thanks so much and I do appreciate all the suggestions hun. I don’t want to have to make choice but rather hope things work out so we are both happy.
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- May 13, 2021 at 12:24 pm #491746Mandy WifeBaronessRegistered On: September 12, 2019Topics: 7Replies: 229Has thanked: 151 timesBeen thanked: 994 times
That’s a difficult one to understand or deal with. I wish I could offer some sort of explanation from a wives point of view but I don’t have experience of it so can’t really.
It sounds to me as if she is concerned about your future. Have you been dressing more often or more freely recently or anything that she may see as a “cause for concern”?
The only other thing I could suggest is seeing if she would join here and join the SOs group for some advice and possible reassurance from wives who have dealt with dressing for a while and know that it doesn’t always lead to a transition or 24/7 dressing?
- May 13, 2021 at 2:47 pm #491786LadyRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
I suggested the same thing. She has done some reading up in it . We may go to my counsellor together and see how that goes. Yes she is concerned as I am dressing and going out a lot more even with us still in stay home order. I think she will settle down as next day after chat she suggested I dress as kids were gone.
A confused Ashley.
- May 13, 2021 at 11:28 pm #491936Mandy WifeBaronessRegistered On: September 12, 2019Topics: 7Replies: 229Has thanked: 151 timesBeen thanked: 994 times
That’s good then, she’s trying but she’s just scared by the sounds of it so keep talking. If you are comfortable with backing off going out a bit then that may help, maybe a case of just too much just now.
A lot of people have struggled with the stay at home and isolation rules this past year and it has affected everyone differently so any return to normal feels alien as well – I still don’t want to go to a busy shopping centre at a weekend or out for a meal with my girl friends, the thought sends me into a panic.
Joint counselling sounds good, but yes, maybe offer to find a neutral counsellor if she feels that will help?
- May 13, 2021 at 10:53 am #491726Jerri NewmanLadyRegistered On: October 30, 2020Topics: 0Replies: 16Has thanked: 133 timesBeen thanked: 58 times
Ashley, it looks like you’re going to have to cool the dressing for a bit or for a longer span of time, in order to make your wife feel more comfortable. It sucks, for sure. For me, dressing isn’t absolutely everything… So I would factor in what I want out of my total life rather than just the dressing part of it. Good luck!!
- May 13, 2021 at 2:27 pm #491782LadyRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
Hey Jerri, I hear what your saying and agree but I find it hard to stop. I’ve been dressing more and going out way more and loving it. No I don’t want to lose her and yes I will do my best to please her. Not putting it on her but she changes her mind a lot. Yesterday was first day after our chat and she suggested I dress as kids gone for a few days. I think she was in a bad place that day with being stuck at home for 14 months and we just had to put our 11 month old puppy down. Thanks for the reply
- May 13, 2021 at 5:14 pm #491824GenevïéveLadyRegistered On: July 28, 2020Topics: 30Replies: 1342Has thanked: 11452 timesBeen thanked: 5540 times
- May 13, 2021 at 2:30 pm #491783Jerri NewmanLadyRegistered On: October 30, 2020Topics: 0Replies: 16Has thanked: 133 timesBeen thanked: 58 times
Ashley, of course it’s hard to stop. Dressing like a woman…being a woman… is amazing. If you are going to curb this obsession a bit you need to think about what you would do instead. One compulsion is best replaced with a different one.
- May 12, 2021 at 8:50 pm #491521Pumped ForheelsLadyRegistered On: November 22, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 83Has thanked: 2 timesBeen thanked: 292 times
This can be a bit strange because your wife is afraid of the unknown more than anything. If she thought about it does she really want to separate, live on her own, deal with starting new relationships over living with you?
When my wife found out about my CD’ing she was fully against it, but slowly gave in and today I dress when I want, but I don’t go out of the house. We went through a tough time and I asked her if she had thought of divorce and she said “No way!” She told me I was still better than starting over!
My wife askes me to “be her man” once in a while and I put the dresses away for the day. I realize she deserves some “guy time” too.
- May 12, 2021 at 9:20 pm #491525LadyRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
See my wife was the opposite in our case. Of course she had all the text book questions when I told her but was very understanding and become totally supportive. She said she wants me to do what makes me happy. Started buying me dresses and skirt, panties. She gave me a bunch of makeup and applied it for me a few times.
And now here we are with talk of leaving me.
- May 13, 2021 at 9:43 pm #491925Pumped ForheelsLadyRegistered On: November 22, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 83Has thanked: 2 timesBeen thanked: 292 times
That seems very unfair when she helped promote it. You two need to talk, and perhaps with a professional. Will she accept if you back down and stop dressing as often, and less or never around her? Also I wonder if something else has come between you two and the CD’ing is an easy excuse.
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- May 14, 2021 at 2:16 am #491960LadyRegistered On: August 15, 2020Topics: 20Replies: 292Has thanked: 1084 timesBeen thanked: 1182 times
Yes hun I have suggested some counselling and thought the same but my sister-in-law doesn’t like that’s the case but rather thinking ahead. Doesn’t want to be old and alone if I was to dress full time as she doesn’t want that. I’ve told her many times I can’t see that happening but when she asked me if she was to give me the green light would I dress everyday so I answered honestly and said yes I would. This concerned her I guess.
- May 14, 2021 at 10:50 am #492082Pumped ForheelsLadyRegistered On: November 22, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 83Has thanked: 2 timesBeen thanked: 292 times
I find it strange she is thinking about leaving you because you might dress 24/7. She can leave if that happens.
I might have sex with the cutie next door, but it hasn’t happened yet! Should my wife leave me because of that?
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Pumped Forheels.
- May 12, 2021 at 5:51 am #491200Julie ShawLadyRegistered On: September 3, 2015Topics: 8Replies: 55Has thanked: 267 timesBeen thanked: 266 times
Sorry for your situation, Sweetie, but I have to disagree. Once you know/decide who you are, then you CAN make promises for the future. When I realized I am a hetero MTF Cross Dresser and not wanting to fully become a woman, I could ease my wife’s fears (somewhat) about losing her husband. You need to understand (as fully as anyone can) who you are and what your journey is, THEN you can move forward.
- May 12, 2021 at 6:36 am #491224Celeste StarreLadyRegistered On: June 26, 2018Topics: 40Replies: 1029Has thanked: 304 timesBeen thanked: 3461 times
The one problem with that is no one truly knows how they will feel about anything in the future. Most of the time what you say is true but I’ve personally known several CD’s that said they were perfectly content to just crossdress and then years later they transitioned. It’s one of those never say never things.
- May 12, 2021 at 5:47 am #491196Paula HessLadyRegistered On: January 8, 2021Topics: 7Replies: 107Has thanked: 1002 timesBeen thanked: 394 times
- May 12, 2021 at 5:33 am #491189LisaTLadyRegistered On: January 31, 2021Topics: 57Replies: 671Has thanked: 582 timesBeen thanked: 3212 times
Thank you for sharing this Ashley. I’m recently out with my wife and so far it’s settling down quite well. We have boundaries which are from my perspective very generous and I know how much she is givin* to meet m needs. You remind me to be constantly mindful of this and that it can go wrong.
I do hope you can get things back on track but it is hard with our femme side being so comforting maintaining the maleness sufficient to meet our partners needs. However as my wife reminds me, if she wanted an intimate relationship with a woman she wouldn’t have married me.
- May 12, 2021 at 5:11 am #491180Michelle TrottDuchessRegistered On: April 7, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 206Has thanked: 374 timesBeen thanked: 877 times
Hi Ashley. I am so sorry to hear about your bad news. It puts you in such a bad position. I know for myself the more I try not to dress the harder it is not to dress. I hope you can find some middle ground with her. I know how stressful it can be. Good luck. Hugs.
- May 12, 2021 at 4:44 am #491170LadyRegistered On: June 26, 2018Topics: 40Replies: 1029Has thanked: 304 timesBeen thanked: 3461 times
- May 12, 2021 at 4:33 am #491166Amelia LoveLadyRegistered On: March 4, 2021Topics: 2Replies: 66Has thanked: 196 timesBeen thanked: 261 times
- May 12, 2021 at 4:31 am #491165Jamie PeridotLadyRegistered On: February 19, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 267Has thanked: 1568 timesBeen thanked: 823 times
I am sorry to hear of your wife’s change of heart.😥 I am far from an expert so don’t think of this as more than a suggestion. Have you tried JOINT counseling? If your counselor is supportive and encouraging you to dress more, maybe they can reasure your wife that the fact you have respected boundaries up to now is a good indicator that you will repect them in the future. Sometimes an objective third party can help work out what appears to be impasses in a relationship. Big hugs!🤗🤗
- May 12, 2021 at 3:46 am #491152LadyRegistered On: July 28, 2020Topics: 30Replies: 1342Has thanked: 11452 timesBeen thanked: 5540 times
- May 12, 2021 at 3:40 am #491148Diane RakersLadyRegistered On: August 18, 2019Topics: 4Replies: 716Has thanked: 1256 timesBeen thanked: 2363 times
So sorry Ashley.
Maybe it will take nothing more than a little less Ashley.
I’ve been a CDH member for two years and there are so many cases of a supportive spouse becoming unaccepting about dressing.
One of the key points in our profiles is the SO “knowing”. There are so many bad outcomes.
I think my wife “knows” somewhat, but we are in a “don’t ask/don’t tell” mode.
I know that I do not want a girl and girl relationship with my wife. I have a feminine side which I want to nourish, but that is for me and the emotional peace that womanhood brings to me.
Ashley, would you like to chat in a PM format.
- May 12, 2021 at 3:16 am #491136Samantha JoLadyRegistered On: April 3, 2021Topics: 3Replies: 55Has thanked: 166 timesBeen thanked: 282 times
Sorry to hear of the dilemma you find yourself in, going from ‘I totally understand to I cannot do this anymore must be heart breaking for you. But all I can do is wish you the very best of luck in the difficult decisions you and your wife have to make.
- May 12, 2021 at 3:01 am #491135Trisha Lilly HibbertBaronessRegistered On: December 8, 2020Topics: 39Replies: 706Has thanked: 3201 timesBeen thanked: 2684 times
Hi Ashley I wish you luck in your situation. It sounds heart breaking. I wish I could offer you some advice but I haven’t had to go though anything like it so don’t know what you could do. I hope you are able to work something out.
- May 12, 2021 at 3:24 am #491140
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