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At the very deepest level of my male self, I believe I started this exploration because I’ve been so shattered by prior relationships. Women have seriously hurt me in the past. And then being jealous that any somewhat attractive woman I dated had so much power over my heart, so much control of my feelings, and turning around and using “being attractive” as the basis for infidelity, entitlement, and a temporary use of my time and life to find that “manly man” they always joke about. There is always some seriousness to a joke as I’ve come to find out, at the expense of ME.
So I set out as Carmen to not only prove to myself a few things, but also rebuild trust in myself and future relationships. Yes, I simply was in “the wrong relationship” as I can understand now.
Being Carmen really has opened my eyes. I can see red flags in women from day 1, and instead of ignoring it just to squelch insecurity and perceived loneliness I thought I was feeling (and ending up in another “relationship” that has no staying power), I can simply end it, quickly, on the spot. That strength Carmen has given me when it comes to dating and what is worthy of my time has saved my masculinity and my heart.
Carmen also has proven that a person, no matter how attractive, no matter the constant barrage of male attention, no matter where who what and how, no matter who they are in looks or wealth… that she can be absolutely fiercely loyal to me. She’s given me hope that if she can find me worthy of respect, then there has to be another, that one special person, that can as well. There’s a woman with the strength of Carmen out there for me and Carmen allows me to hold out for that. I will never settle for anything else because she will not allow me to.
In the meantime, I continue to date Carmen. Right now, she creates an environment in my psyche that allows me to enjoy being single, to not settle for ANY relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, to enjoy time with ME, to have dinner with ME and it being perfectly ok. I’m never lonely. I have her. And she is absolutely loyal and has my best interest at heart.
Until I meet someone who can truly deep down do the same, then Carmen will continue to act as my guardian angel to protect my life from the madness created by prior relationships.
PLUS, she’s just so incredibly hot.
Carmen –
Thank you for sharing your story. I am happy for you that you have found comfort in yourself and come to the realization that you don’t need to settle.
I’ve denied myself my whole life and like you settled for relationships in which I compromised to my own detriment. I am on my 5th marriage who accepts me for who I am. I didn’t come out to her until a couple years ago and things have not been all peaches and cream, however, we have had many discussions and come to agreements about my dressing. She is more accepting and understands it is part of me. My biggest regret is not having noticed or accepted this part of me years ago. I have discussed this with my therapist a number of times and often wonder how different my life would have been if I had been honest with myself about who I am. Turning back time is not an option but accepting and embracing who I am going forward is.
I wish you the best in your continued journey.
XOXO
SuzanneYou were subservient to their wishes and believed that it was they who held the power. Little did you know that once you assumed the role that you actually had that power all along. What more will you discover hidden in the depths of your soul?
is Carmen responsible for this sudden surge in global warming???
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