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Though I mostly browse the forums at this point and haven’t posted anything in a long while I wanted to pose a question to my fellow crossdressers.
Quick tangent update. I have been going through a rough divorce the entirety of the pandemic centered around custody dispute. I have been in a long term monogamous dating relationship with a wonderful woman for almost 3 years now but have had struggles given my bisexuality especially when being Dona and though I have remained faithful there have been a few close calls. I have recently started therapy with a LGBTQ+ therapist to try and figure out how I can maintain my relationship and be true to myself at the same time. There is no intimate options with Dona and my SO, though she is aware that I do dress and am bisexual and has been great as far as being non-judgemental for her that is as far as she can go.
Now for the question, during the first few sessions that I had with my therapist I had described myself as being accepting of who I am and understanding that after it was a large contributor of what tanked my 18 year marriage and that I am always going to want to dress at times and that there is an attraction to sex with men when doing so. I am still like most very much closeted. My therapist challenged me with the question of do I actually accept myself? Now I have been mulling this over for a week and a half now and am curious how others see their own acceptance.
Sorry for the long post and apologize for any formatting errors that may be there from typing this on my phone.
Dona
Yes, I do accept myself, both of me. Understand, no…but I no longer feel shame and guilt for who and what I am. Guilt sometimes for allowing myself to act on my urges (as it relates to being married and what that involves), but not because of why I did it. I can relate to your struggle and send love and understanding❤️
The realisation that wearing women’s corsetry was something that I was going to need to do on an ongoing basis hit me hard when I was a student in my late teens. That was a time of intense self-loathing in my life – I’d often be a heap on the floor crying my eyes out at the mere sight of my reflection in my bra and girdle. That was in the early eighties. I started to ease up on myself and accept that this was the way of things by the time my studies finished, but it’s only in the last decade or so that I’ve truly accepted that this is what I need to do and there’s absolutely nothing to reproach myself about. It’s not easy, is it?
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Sounds just like a therapist… a question with multiple possible answers and none right.
Seems to me that if you accepted yourself completely then you would have to give up the current relationship, be completely out to the world and dating a man with hopes of finding that golden female unicorn that accepts and likes a crossdressing bisexual… almost impossible!
I know and accept myself and I’m not out to the world or dating a man…. its a trick question.
Dona,
I have not only come to accept that I am a crossdresser, albeit closeted from my friends and family and even my wife of 28 years, but enjoy it guilt free. I am not hurting anyone or my relationships by being Raquel when I can.
Would I like to share this part of me with people of my own choosing? Yes. But there may be repercussions and unintended consequences that would change my life in ways I’m not prepared for.
That’s the way I see it.
I share with you the bisexual dilemma, Dona. My most recent partner was a man and my current partner is a woman. I fully accept that I may spend the rest of my life switching back and forth every few years. This gets even more complicated when I must ask my partners to accept what I have already accepted about myself. I must tell my partners after a few dates that I sometimes moonlight in femme wear. What else can I do without lying, cheating and hurting innocent partners?
Best wishes on this journey, Dona. I hope you will share the next chapter with us.Hi Dona! I had to ponder this for a while. Firstly, I would not equate being in the closet as necessarily meaning one has not accepted ones self. There are other reasons for not coming out…. fear of ridicule and abuse, or not wanting to “hurt” the ones you love ( that was me, thinking I would be disappointing my parents ). I look at that as a reason. I knew I had acknowledged and accepted that this was who I was long ago ( whether I fought it or not, I had to be truthful to myself ).
The bisexuality aspect, well that took a while longer to understand. I’ll spill the beans here a bit sisters. Women….though I am physically attracted – envious? – with women, there had always been a certain level of dysphoria involved when i was with my girlfriends ( no wife, I’ve been unfettered my life that way ). Kind of like I was miscast in the Game of Life. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it all, but there was always a part that just didn’t seem to click properly. Men…. there may not be that level of physical attraction, but there can be a certain level of comfort there… then I realized that any attraction I have to someone is based on their personality, whats “inside” more than just physical attributes. Heart over body, I guess. That sounds like it is kinda bi to me, relationship wise. And that is not based on whether I am dressed or not, it’s always there, that’s just who I am….
I said that took a while longer because tho’ I had realized and acknowledged that part of me; accepting it took a bit longer. But then I was aware I wasn’t merely crossdressing, I was transdressing… I was actually transgender. And then I felt an inner relaxation.
Sorry I went on rambling there, and I have no idea if that helped at all Dona, but know that though we all take a similar journey, our paths to our destination are different.
Stevie 🙂
Stevie I want to thank you for your insights. I agree, no one’s journey is the same. I have come to realize that everyone’s identity and sexuality is unique to them. I do often wonder if I had found Dona at a younger age if I would have considered trans as more my identity. Like many I have a fully entrenched life in my male persona that I am not okay giving up.
At the same time when it comes to relationships I have always felt more comfortable with a relationship with a woman. Though I accept that I am bi the part that seeks men is very physical in nature only. But I certainly agree that attraction is to who a person is not what they look like.
My dilemma lies in the fact that I am extremely happy in my relationship but I recognize that I have been unfaithful in my past marriage and I am trying to avoid that in my relationship. The thing that I love about CDH is that it allows me to put Dona in a much more full context than just what relates to sex, but at the same time I am worried that if I give Dona a bigger spot in my life that will fundamentally change who I am as a whole. One of the other questions that my therapist posed was if I could give up having sex with men and be happy. What I do know in relation to that question is that I value my relationship more. I do worry though that this will lead to issues of self control (of which I am historically bad at) down the road.
Once again thanks for the perspective. Being able to have this conversation is helpful.
Dona,
Like you I am also going through a divorce with my wife of 36 years. Not because I am a CD but for other reasons. Now I am alone in a big mostly empty house and I can dress up whenever I want. I have accepted the feminine side of my personality and realize that she needs to get out once in awhile even though I have to remain male most of the time. I wish you luck and happiness in your journey.
Kerri
I don’t think my therapist is implying that I need to be out but trying to see if I am really happy with the part of my life that I have allowed Dona to be.
Specifics are that more people are aware of Dona than I would like because my ex has spoken to people about it and has spoiled some relationships such as my own father. However for instance I have a daughter who is 18 and has been bi-sexual since middle school and this year I went to the pride parade with her but she usually views me as the more stuffy parent. This I some times struggle with because I would like her to know that she is not alone but at the same time this is a lot of information that she doesn’t need to know.
But running it back I think the challenge was to me if I truly accept myself and the role Dona has in my life. Whether that is partially out of the closet or still all the way in the closet. I am sure I am not the only one who has a tendency to lie about that to myself and my SO.
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