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Hello,
I am in need of some much needed advice from cross dressers. Me and my SO have been together nearly 4 years and for 2.5 of those years I have known that he likes to cross dress to some extent and that he likes doing so for sex although not all the time. He feels a lot of shame about it I think.
Last summer he told me that he likes dressing in more than lingerie and over Christmas he told me about wearing makeup and wigs in the past.
Since somewhat traumatically finding out he has started wearing a wig again I have made it clear to him that I want to be more involved with this side of him. Previously I had told him that I liked lingerie on him but was not sure about clothes. But now I am so curious, I want to help him dress and be there when he dresses and generally be involved.
After explaining this to him and having a long talk about it I thought he was on board, but I know that he has dressed since then and it sort of hurts me that he didn’t include me.
I don’t know if this is because he does not want me to be part of it or because he is still scared he will frighten me off.
What do you think I should do? Keep reminding him that I am keen to be involved more or wait for him to suggest it in his own time??
That’s a very interesting question. First I’ll say that he is incredibly lucky to have someone like you that will support him. As for what is going through his mind, I can only speculate.
Perhaps one idea would be to offer to take him shopping. Buy some outfits or a dress or two with him. Offer your thoughts on fit and style. I think this might demonstrate that you are truly there for him beyond merely saying you’re ok with it.
Hi Gracie,
First of all, you are nearly every crossdressers dream. Wonderful that you can understand, love and support him. My thoughts, for what their worth. For me, I have a “you do you” understanding with my SO. But I dream about the day my SO comes to me and says “I love you, I support you, let me help you to become the best woman you can be”. And yet, if I were ever presented with that kind of support I can’t honestly say how that might play out in reality. It would be the ultimate test of our relationship and I would be scared to death. I think you need to have some long discussions with him. He needs to understand you want him to be happy and you would love to help him feel complete. Giving him a membership to CDH might be a start. You’re a wonderful person, good luck.
Bobbi
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He doesn’t realize what jewell you are. The woman I was married to would have been angry if she found out I had a feminine side. I do like the idea of taking him shopping and go to the women’s section and let him enjoy looking and trying on a dress of two. Crossdressing has been such a lonely part of our lives it may just be he is scared to open up so patience can help with that. We who enjoy this lifestyle are very reluctant to come out even to the ones we love.
Wish we could clone you…
Sandy
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He is lucky to have you. Be patient with him because I’m sure he feels shame and is probably afraid of scaring you off. He probably doesn’t even have it all figured out yet as our lifestyle is a journey which slowly develops for most of us. Keep on being supportive of him and keep talking for both of you to understand this side of him and figure out what works best for the relationship and whats best for you both. Good luck and be patient and let him open up as he feels comfortable… it will happen.
You’ve got the attitude many of us wish our wives had! My first guess about his attitude would be that he is either ashamed or thinks he doesn’t look good enough. Many of us do feel shame and almost none of us thinks we look good enough. I suggest you remind him how much you love him and that you would enjoy being part of the process. He’s feeling vulnerable and needs your reassurance. Also remind him that society beeps pressures and expectations on us in lots of ways, including crossdressing, and remind him that you don’t feel that way and that he has nothing to be ashamed of.
If he’s not already on CDH, tell him about it. We love to encourage our sisters with their dressing.
Go slowly and with lots of love.
Let us know how it goes.
Hugs,
CatherineDear Catherine
Hi!
Thanks for your reply to Catherine. Though my wife only saw me twice dressed, clothes only, she never judged me, she just didn’t want to be involved.
As has been said many times here in my short experience, everyone has different circumstances and there is no library to cite an answer.
I told my wife well into our marriage and my dressing was not a cause for the separation.
It is a great thing—on the surface — that she wants to be involved, sometimes people discover things that create other issues. One is dedication — “ what is more important to you, , me or dressing?”. And so on. Understanding our complex worlds is not easy if in fact possible.
Best to you
Love Jaime
Hello Gracie
Only they know (maybe) the reasons for their actions.
I know and appreciate how blessed I truly am for having a gf that upports and even encourages my flair, there for me while dressing and even being out with me. But there are times, particularly when I am experimenting that I’d rather do it without her. I enjoy both our time together and the time by myself.
Explain your feelings and be there for them, have a conversation about what can work for both of you, but try not to be smothering.
Olivia
Gracie,
That is so awesome that you are being so supportive of his dressing and trying to understand it better. You are figuring out that we have a lot of shame and guilt associated with our dressing. We needs lots of reassuring. Further, we worry about how our So will react to our dressing or if they will freak out or leave us. Sad to say, many ladies will not accept cross dressing at all.
Keep the open and honest communication going and keep trying to be a part of her dressing. Trust me when I say, most of us cross dressers long to have our SO participate, encourage and assist us with our dressing.
Hi Gracie,
I hope your SO realizes just how lucky he is.
Perhaps he is afraid to much too soon may frighten you off. Or he might feel ashamed still. It may take longer to reassure him that this is OK. I think if you go slowly, and have lots of open talks about it he will be able to dress around you more completely over time.
you are a true gem! 💎
💕Lara
Hi Gracie,
I am a life-long crossdresser who just revealed this side of me to my wife of 40 years last July. Understandably she has had a lot of anger and resentment and initially did not want to see me dressed and especially nothing feminine in the bedroom. She is at least okay with me dressing around the rest of the house as it is part of my personality and is harmless in and of itself.
I feel a little awkward around her since I feel like it is tolerated and not embraced. I get that. What your SO may be feeling is a mix of shyness and just plain residual shame. We are taught from birth that we are the tough males and we aren’t supposed to show weakness and never show a feminine side. So, we hide, bury our true selves (at least half of us, anyway). We dream of a time when we can show all of our selves to the world and especially to the person we crave acceptance from most – our SO.
So far, you have shown her that you want to be a part of it. That is wonderful of you to want to be a part of this other persona! The best thing you can do is just to invite her to be comfortable around you and you aren’t going to make fun or be hurt by it. If she is still resistant there may be more than just the dressing itself. Many of us use crossdressing as an erotic stimulant. It’s not that we want someone else or even to be someone else, it just feels incredibly sensual and arousing a lot of times to think we could be a “woman”, at least in our fantasies. For many of us, that graduates to the enjoyment of simply wearing the clothing when we have more opportunity and freedom to do so.
If it isn’t a big thing for you, just try not to pressure her. If you do see her or her pictures, be sure to complement the look (even if you wouldn’t be caught dead in the same outfit – giggle!). Once she knows it’s safe, she will open up to you more. If you want to, and think she is ready and halfway passable, suggest a GNO or a shopping trip or salon visit together.
I hesitate to add this last part, but I want to be honest with you. After I came out to my wife as a CD I found through therapy that I really needed to transition, for who knows how long bac,k and I started on hormone therapy about 2-1/2 months ago. We are trying to figure out what our future looks like, and it’s been very hard on my wife. I’m not saying your SO will ever reach this point, but that may be something she is desparately afraid to say anything about, even if it is just curiousity. The best thing you can do is let her know you are there and you only want what’s best for them.
I hope this helps a little. Please private chat with me if you want to talk further, and don’t leap to the conclusion that she wants to transtition. The vast majority of crossdressers still like being a guy (most of the time – wink)!
Hugs,
Brie
Thank you so much for all of the replies xx
You have really reassured me that I should probably be being a bit more patient with him and so should keep up the reassurance and positive attitude without putting too much pressure on him.
I really like the shopping idea and will definitely try that sometime.
xxxx
I agree. It sounds like he’s not involving you, because he’s worried you’re not going to support him. So what you gotta do is… support him.
I want to stress a point. Do no ask him to get out of his comfort zone. He’s already doing that, even if he’s not telling you he is. So… don’t ask to be included, or when he will open up more. Just let him come to you. It’s critical that you play a passive role here. By playing a passive role, and supporting him 100% when he does share something with you, you will be proving to him that you are supportive. And don’t get impatient with him. It will ruin all the time and effort you put into supporting him.
In time, you will have proven that you do support him. I don’t know how long that will take. But it will happen. Then every time he shows you something new, take it as a gift. Be gracious, and satisfied. In time, you’re going to be rewarded with everything.
PS: You seem so incredibly awesome.
I come at it from a different angle. My crossdressing activities are a private concern. I don’t like to share it with others.
I do wear tights, and some makeup around my wife.
Of course I do share my opinions and thoughts on this forum. I do that with my wife as well.
Maybe. And I say maybe. Your partners need to dress is a hygiene issue. A mental / emotional hygiene issue. There are certain hygiene practices that we do in private. Go to the toilet. Change menstrual pads or tampons.
Sometimes we want time out to do our thing. Sew. Knit. Read. Do a crossword puzzle. Hunt. Tinker in the shed. Cook and bake… add your own to the list.
I say maybe, because if your partner going behind your back sharing this lifestyle with others, and not with you, I consider that a betrayal. Betrayal does create a guilty conscience which leads to a deeper and widening gulf between partners.
Communication is key. Ask him why he isn’t wanting to share more with you.
Well-From MY experience–My wife Made a game out of my dressing–Things like–If your going to be a maid–Dress like one & Help me do just that–Like having me put on a short nitie or Slip for sex–Then well 69ing–use a Vibratory on me– As time went on had fem me serving her & her straight friends tea or Whatever while dressed–Just have fun yourself & make it fun for him & chance are he will feel less self conscious & appreciate that it can be enjoyable with You– Then there’s the Shopping together thing –If he’s shy–start with “Joking” around (lightly) Honey this Lipstick/Dress or whatever would look good on you-A positive response–buy him something–Small at first–Having “FUN” together is key–Small steps get you there-
Tip–If you don’t want to spend Too alfull much money shop at thrift stores because when starting out a lot of bad choices in clothes will be made- By the way-Does he have a dedicated place to put his Fem clothing?OMG! He is such a lucky man.
I think most of us here would die to have an understanding and supportive wife like you.
I can understand his being hesitant. As much as we enjoy crossdressing it can be scary to openly share it with the woman we love.
Our fantasies are to be as pretty and feminine as you, but for the majority of us that would never be possible. I for one would be afraid of being laughed at and that would make me feel very embarrassed.
Just think how you would feel if you were told that you did not look good in one of your dresses you really like. He would feel just as bad if criticized with his attempt to feminize himself. I’m not saying you would, but that thought is in all of our minds when we look for approval of our attempts at feminizing ourselves.
You need to have some long talks with him to bring him out of his shell. You say he does wear lingerie in your presence so I would use that as a starting point to his comfort level with total feminization around you. Tell him how cute and sexy he looks and how much it excites you to see him wearing it. Maybe at one of those times when he’s feeling sexy in lingerie you bring out a dress and makeup and tell him we are going to make you up. I know that would be a very exciting moment for me, hopefully it would be for him too.
Good luck! I so hope it all turns out for the best for both of you.
Lacy
There is no right answer or approach. Best I can say is slow and steady wins the race. My wife has seen me go from a man who was jeans and t-shirt with boots all the time to where I am today, often wearing womens skinny jeans and cute tops to match or PJs with floral designs. I have reservations of het seeing me in a floral dress but I will sit and watch TV with jer while wearing floral PJs… I will wear a slip in bed sometimes also. I have a hoodie dress that I wear around her and even outside to get the dogs etc. I want to show my wife the full feminine version of me, but I am also very scared to ask her to do so for fear of rejection… yet she is still here with me in all that she has seen me go through. I will add, my clothes are my all the time clothes, I wear them shopping and out working in my garage etc. My kids see me in them as well as the general public. I am trans but not making changes to hormones at this juncture. So I present as a male wearing women’s clothes.
Kudos to you and your SO and thanks for inviting us into your life! I hope we can help as i know your involvement in CDH will help us.
As a life long crossdresser and one that has only “recently” told my wife it would take a while before i feel completely comfortable to open up and dress fully around her. The reason for me is that i have kept this hidden for 40+ years out of shame, guilt and deceit. It will take a certain amount of time to slowly unwind that tightly wound spring. I am also cautiously optimistic that she is honest in her statements for fear that she may be open now but later recant because she was trying to put on brave face for my sake. I have read in these forums on many occasions when the SO says she is open to the idea of CD’ing and participates only to later rebel and shut it down complete in disgust. It is hard to open oneself to complete vulnerability only to have it closed even tighter. The last thing we want to do is hurt those around us that we love. It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle.
You mention that you have had “talks” about this. I am not sure if they are very formal and long talks or spontaneous small talk. My wife always worries when I start a conversation with ” Can i talk you about something?”. It scares her off due to the potential for it being an hour long deep-dive on my CD’ing. I might suggest that the talks be less formal/concentrated and occur gradually so it feels less like an interrogation or lecture. More spontaneous and care free.
With that being said, if you are true and honest about your intentions i applaud you. Give it time and acclimate to his mindset slowly. Start with acknowledging your acceptance verbally than proceed to small gestures of acceptance. Some ideas:
- be honest with yourself and begin to craft in your own mind what your boundaries are and where you might see this leading. Slowly, be up front with him so he knows your boundaries and room for exploration. With this, always be truthful to yourself and him.
- when out shopping pick up something for YOU (clothes, makeup, shoes etc) and ask his opinion on what he thinks of it and how it will look on you. Involve him slowly in general fashion conversations.
- When watching a movie/show make periodic comments on fashion and ask his opinion
- Find a movie/show that might involve topics that normalize gender topics. This could lead to open casual conversation
- Gradually make statements on general fashion styles that might spur conversation.
- In passing, comment on things about his dress…”That looks good on you”…”thats a good color for you”…”i like how that brings out ____ on you when you were it”.
- Find occasional articles online that are about mild topics of CD’ing, SO acceptance, couples that CD together etc and send the link to him. “I saw this and thought this might be of interest”
- Find common ground on things you can do together. Maybe go get a full pedicure where you get nail polish and he doesn’t. The next time he could get a clear coat. And another time he could get a mild color. Or, paint both your toes at home in matching color that is only seen by both of you. Make it personal and private.
- Find a panty style or lingerie that he likes, or already has, and get a few matching pairs/colors for you to wear on the same day. Once again, personal and private.
- Constructively discuss things he likes or wear. Comment on why something looks good on him or what might look better. Keep it constructive and forward thinking. Make it a discussion.
These small things may have him open up more so it becomes a personal experience between you and not about larger societal hangups. See how this works and slowly go from there. Enjoy and give us updates on how things are going.
Jamie
Thank you so much everyone for the replies, they have helped so much. Progress is being made and I am so excited.
He is definitely dressing more and telling me little bits, but I’ve not yet seen him completely dressed.
Something new that has happened is that he trimmed his leg hair, which he has done before but said he’d done so because of the heat. This time I asked if he’d consider completely shaving and he said probably and we talked about how nice it feels when you completely shave and get into clean sheets or soft clothes.
Anyone have any tips on shaving make leg hair? I don’t know if it’s any different to mine.
It’s pretty much the same as far as I can tell. Although there may be more hair to shave.
I just shave them while I’m in the shower with a shaving gel. I seem to get better results with a razor made for a man. My legs stay smooth longer. The blades are a little cheaper too.💕Lara
Cross dressers are used to hiding out of shame and fear. That’s a difficult habit to break. I’m assuming he does nothing wrong when he dresses in his own time, so all you have to do is remind him that that its ok, he no longer has to hide.
And beyond that, pick some times to enjoy this together, maybe a date day/nite to get dressed up and made up together, then just enjoy each other’s company. Perhaps…and this isn’t a requirement, someday the two of you may decide on a girls night out or even a holiday away from home. Those can be high points in experience for couples that share this lifesyle.
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