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Ok here it is I came out to my wife 5 months ago after she find my bras and breast forms. The first few day was a little rough, but she said she was ok with it. Which I thought she was. Tonight she told me she is worried that I was gay. I have told her before I cross dress does not mean that I’m gay. I really don’t know why I have the desire to dress maybe because of my sister use to dress me up? Or I grown up with all girls? all I know is it helps me relax and I enjoyed it. What can I do to convince her that I’m straight? I have told her many times that I have no desire for men. She said my clothes are more feminine then hers. I’m lost I really don’t know what to do or say, to convince her that I love her and only her which I told her that lots of times before. Anyone been though this part of CD life? Advice? Thanks for reading and any help you can give.
Many years ago, I came out to my wife (girlfriend then) on the basis of my liking lingerie. We had a few sessions of using lingerie but it was not her thing and I said no more.
So in the following years I began to see an escort who encouraged me to dress up with her, and this satisfied my crossdressing fetish/sexual needs. I felt very guilty but did not want to re-open my crossdressing desire with my wife.
Some years afterwards, my daughter discovered some photos of me dressed en femme on an USB stick that she wanted to use for her home work.
Shocked, she told my wife who freaked out and told me to get out of the house that day. She made me promise to see a psychologist; which I did but with no effect.
For a year I lived apart from my family-continuing to see a crossdressing friendly escort.
We were reconciled, but mainly because she became ill with cancer and I looked after her in the final months of her life.
It was a difficult time.
Hi Anna.
My situation is a little different than yours, but, my wife has needed to hear “I Love YOU” several times a day, and be hugged and held, for a few minutes at least a few times a day, our whole long life together, she has always had issues of not being loveable since childhood, (whole lot of reasons there). So I have always had to make sure I show her just how much I do love her.
Do you grab her and hug her as you walk past? Pat her bum occasionally? are you sexually active? And above all, just out of the blue say I love you?
just my input, but usually actions speak louder, and reach deeper than words.
and, maybe seak a good counselor, for you both?I have no idea why we wives think this way. That was one of my biggest concerns when I found out about his feminine side. I’ve read all over this site & other books to become familiar with what cross dressing is & what it isn’t. I’d recommend Joining here to any significant other!
it did take 5-6 months of “research” before I felt I could let down my protective guard & just enjoy all the different facets of my husband.
Good luck!It seems to be quite a common instinctive reaction in us wives unfortunately – we can no better explain why as to you can explain why you dress, it’s just how it is. If your wife found your forms and bras accidentally and had no inkling beforehand then her mind will have spiralled (naturally so).
What can you do to convince her otherwise? Truthfully? Just love her and re-assure her and keep talking to her and asking her what she’s feeling and thinking as well as explaining as well. Offer to do research together, look at books you can share and learn together so you can both find some peace, wherever that may end up.
There is no overnight magic fix, it will take time, as Honey has said ,and see if she will join here as well so she can see that “being gay” is not the natural default for those who dress.
“Are you turning gay in your old age?” This, from my wife when I mentioned a desire to wear women’s clothes – and after 50-plus years of love and marriage. GGs seem to believe that the only possible reason for doing so is to attract men; I don’t know why. A few weeks after I told her, we had The Talk. I assured her that I was straight, she was my one and only, and I still loved her as much as ever; but Dressing something I just had to do. By offering to let her set the limits, she felt comfortable enough tolerate my Dressing, and in time, she has become accepting to the extent that we have gone out together for lunch and even a Girls’ Day Out for shopping. I’m still her guy when she needs one, but she is comfortable with Bettylou much of the time, now. It was probably a big help that she had previously come across the concept of getting in touch with one’s feminine side; don’t know from where or when, but I’m forever grateful for the concept.
Bettylou
Anna, Even before I had come out to my wife, the subject of my interest/curiosity for the opposite sex had been openly and thoroughly discussed.
When I did come out, and even still on occasion, she’s more concerned that I am not planning on transitioning (in the strictest sense of the term) than whether I find Brad Pitt insanely beautiful 🤩We’ve spent many hours together learning and seeking understanding this entire thing and I’ve had to do everything in my power to reassure her of my love and commitment and respect of the boundaries.
The reasons behind the need to express ourselves in this manner may not matter in the end, but how we show up in our relationships on a day to day basis definitely matter.
my wife and i nearly divorced when i came out to her 10 yrs ago.
a family emergency put a separation and eventual divorce on the back burner.
since then she has become tolerant and comes to support events with me.
however our sex life ended the day i told her.
i wish you good luck.
Update I had talk her more about it. She told me she don’t want to know anything about it, she can’t think of me that way. She needs her man so I respect that and won’t talk to her about my girly side. At this moment we are doing good. Thanks to everyone for your support. Anna
What’s important is that the two of you are good. I hope y’all are able to find some kind of compromise that allows you to be girly when possible. I’ve read about a lot of SOs that let it happen as long as they don’t have to see it themselves. Take care and good luck.
Good luck Anna, I hope it works out for you, at least you have time on your side. Do the best you can to educate her, the two points she must learn about are; CDing does not mean you’re gay, and, your desire to CD will only increase over time. The first will help her not to be afraid of losing you to it, the second will basically tell her ‘This is who I really am, I need you to accept it’
But what about the fact that the wife is also not gay!! Over & over I read on here to reassure the SO that the CD is not gay but constantly you overlook the fact that the SO is also not gay!
I know my husband is not gay but I’m not gay either! I am attracted to my masculine male husband, I’m not attracted to a man with breast forms, hip pads & wearing a dress!why are you calling her a troll? thats not trolling its how she feels.
What trolls?
I’m just sharing my thoughts as the wife of a cross dresser!
I’m here on CDH to try to understand & accept this side of my husband & hopefully save my marriage & keep my family together, not to troll!As you yourself said the urge to cross dress seems to get stronger as you get older and whilst I am not worried about losing my husband to another man, I am worried, as a heterosexual cis woman, of losing the ‘man’ I married to the woman he would prefer to be!
Calling the wives & SO’s who come on here, to try to understand & at the same time offer their insight, ‘Trolls’ because they make a point you don’t like is not helpful!
Excuse me if troll seemed harsh, but this is not the first time you’ve tried to engage me this way and I honestly thought you just seemed like someone looking for an argument, which I am not. I don’t care for it and wont participate. I am entitled to my opinion as you are yours, I don’t want to debate it here with you.
We are fine now she would like not to talk about my CD or see me in a dressed, and I am perfectly fine with that. It’s the same way that I wouldn’t want to see her dressed as a guy. Our sex life is great have been married for 17 years+ I am a manly man after all. I just enjoy dressing up. If you ever meet me in person you will never know that I have a girl side.
The only thing you can do is proving your love and desire for her daily. She has a valid concern, based on what she considers crossdressers to be. I think this propably stems from lack of communication between the two of you. Have you made time for cding discussions? Have you volunteered to discuss what’s in both your heads? Have you offered therapy for both of you together? I read often that sometimes, when this comes out, men tend to do think that now that it’s out, there is no need to make things more uncomfortable by bringing it up, thinking that if it’s not discussed, then there won’t be any more damage than already has been done to the relationship. Can’t tell you how wrong this is. She has an idea of what crossdressers are and there is nothing to contradict that when she has no other credible info. And you don’t count as you are clearly biased. I would suggest you offer her help in doing her own independent research. Our private SO forum would be a good fit for her, if she would like to give us a try. Good luck!
This type of thing really does fry my brain. Why, upon discovering that a male enjoys wearing femanine styled clothing, do people automatically presume that he must be gay? ‘He’s trying to be female so must like men’ – utter tosh!!! It really is a simplistic conclusion, akin to a common sense conclusion – which normally means its good old nonsense. If people would just stop and apply a little grey matter, it should be fairly clear that a man in an intimate relationship with a woman would tend not to be gay. Most gay men seem to like and are themselves masculine, male type men. Why then (in general) would a gay man be in a heterosexual relationship with a woman. Of course he could be bisexual – no doubt some so called ‘cross-dressers’ are bi-sexual, but that wouldn’t make him gay either (because he would be a bi-sexual man). Perhaps we are all supposed to be lesbians, except, that for that to be true, we would all need to be women in which case we wouldn’t be so called ‘cross-dressers’ at all.
Told you. It fry’s my brain!
Take care girls.
Anne-Marie.
I honestly believe it’s because born females have had all their lives to try different types of feminine clothes, whereas we have only the time we snatch in private or are now lucky enough to be able to openly dress. It’s not like most of us have truly been able to express ourselves.
‘just my 2 penny worth
I had exactly the same thing happen, my ex thought I was gay when I told her 15+ years ago
We since had 3 children and I have never been interested in the idea of being with men
Even when we split ( she had a few affairs) she managed to bring in a reason for the split was because I was gay.
It made no sense to me
Well I think this post alone shows what happens, (in the majority of cases), when you reveal your “desires” to your wife!
I just do not get what is going through the woman’s head. GAY!! why is a man gay because he wears or has a fetish with lingerie? There is absolutely no reasonable answer to that question.
“A Fem Side”??…there’s no fem-side with me. I am a man, born a man, only have relationships with women, and can stand my ground to any loud-mouth. I know the odd gay man, but they are certainly not feminine.
Some of the answers given to the wife, (not just in this thread), are met with a woman’s mind, which I think some cross-dressers just do not fully understand. Some of you here, and those out in the world who are not here, got lucky. Those lucky few were with a partner that basically had no problem with their desires. The majority of women are in the “old school” frame of mind.
Let’s face it, if us men were women, (with our mindset as it is), would we walk around in frumpy clothes? Some women look like they have just rolled out of the bed with baggy clothes picked up off the floor, slung on, and they look dire. Darn…if I were a woman, I would be “all woman”, dressed pretty smartly and most definitely sexy.
It’s great for a woman to say, “I want my man to be a man”…….well men want a “woman to be a woman”, not a woman dressed like a bloke with a trouser suit, or baggy jeans. But do we crib about it?..NO!
Most men are far more tolerant of women, than women are of men.
I really am not surprised that younger people are choosing solitary life-styles over being with a partner/spouse. Sexual desires are in near every man on Earth, and some of those desires are WAY worse than simply wearing some lingerie, yet those men are just classed as, “they have a fetish”, or “they’re swingers”.
If a wife, (after 25 years of being together), thinks you are gay because of the cd desire, what does that tell you about the wife? What does that tell you about their mental attitude? I can understand if the man wants to go out as a woman that the wife may have difficulty with it, but at home? in the bedroom?…No.
I have always been of the mind that women, (in general), have no sexual fantasies. I have been with enough women to understand that. What we see on the net is purely for purposes of another sort, they are mostly staged, and aimed at men. I wish men could fully understand that what we here do, is not really wanted or understood by women, it’s hard enough us trying to understand it!
I sometimes think that wives would rather find out that we had cheated on them than having been caught in a pair of her panties! It’s as though us men are expected to cheat, drink to excess, be lazy, and generally be what the media have us as. This is totally the opposite of probably the majority of men here, I am honest, never cheated, do not drink (never had a problem with drink but will have 1 at a B-B-Q), not lazy, and certainly not what the likes of these shows depict us as. I am all man, physically fit, do what is needed whenever it is needed, never back down from a loud mouth,….but I enjoy wearing lingerie when engaging in sex……well shoot me if that is the worst thing you can find in a man!
Some women will never accept the cd scenario, so let them find a man that they think is “normal”, ‘cos there are no “normal” men, just as there are no “normal” women.
I notice a few say, “as you get older the desire gets stronger”,…..well that is most obvious. Why?, because we have been hiding the fetish all our lives, we meet women and all we normally get is “missionary-style” sex. How long could you eat the same dinner for? 2 months before you start to go crazy? I personally am just fed-up with sex that I have been having for 40 years in the same position with no change, me on top! C’mon wives…can you not see the boredom? It does not mean we do not enjoy sex with you, but for God’s sake, can we not be a bit more adventurous?
Would it really hurt a woman to allow her husband some good ol’ raunchy sex with toys and clothing?This post made me laugh, not going to lie. You made swooping generalisations, assumed you understand “women” and demonstrated quite clearly that you have no clue.
I will do you a favour and let you in to a little secret though, and hope that improves your life. Every single woman has fantasies and kinks. The only reason you, specifically you, don’t know this is because they didn’t want to tell or show you. The common denominator is you. I hope you first look inside before you start accusing outside. Although, I somehow doubt it.
Good luck.
Why all the hostility (yet again) towards women / wives? I totally agree with Cath – women 100% have links and fantasies and I feel sorry for you that any partner you have had has not felt comfortable enough to share those with you.
You are fed up with traditional “men on top” sex that you have had for years – news flash, you are probably not the only one in the relationship that feels that way!
Why do women “automatically” ask if a CDer is gay – yes, its probably a pre-historic way of thinking but given that the we have probably never been exposed to CDing or the only knowledge we have is hearing about people who have transitioned and wanted to be in M/F relationships it’s understandable that it’s a knee-jerk reaction – don’t forget, CDers will have had years to figure you their gender and sexuality and who they are, but in that instant where your loved ones says “I need to tell you something and you may not like it” confusion, upset, lack of knowledge and understanding takes over and God forbid those words spill from our lips I case they cause you any upset!!
People dress for different reasons, for some it is sexual, for some it is sensual, and for some it is to feel normal. For me it is to feel normal. My gender doesn’t match that assigned at birth.
I think my wife now understands the difference between gender and sexuality. One of our sons old school friends came around, when she was in early stages of transitioning. I had to explain it to my wife then, as she couldn’t understand that they were transitioning to female, but liked women.
I got it entirely and explained to her that gender and sexuality are different. A lesbian trapped in a man’s body – like Eddie Izzard. Then when I came out – oh she says, that is why you could understand and explain it.
My wife also doesn’t like me being more femme than her, which is tricky because she tends to wear jeans and T shirt, so I restrict the way I present, because I don’t want to lose her.
It is important for me to be me, but also important to me, to hold on to the love of my life.
Sharon that is a brilliant explanation, thank you.
I have always understood that there is a difference between gender and sexuality, and whilst it did cross my mind briefly, when I found out about my husband’s cross dressing, whether my husband was gay/bi? I never seriously believed it.
It was also pretty much the first thing he told me, when I confronted him, that he wasn’t gay so I never even had to ask the question.However, I do know of gay men who have been fairly happily married with children for many years before coming out as gay. And as a wife/SO, when you find out that your partner has been hiding something this significant from you, then it can’t really come as a surprise to think that they will then also be wondering what else might have been hidden from them.
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