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Hey ladies. Not trying to be a Debbie-downer tonight but wondering if I’m by myself with all the negative feelings/thoughts that I deal with most of the time trying to accept that the Geena part of me is really okay. It seems to me that most all the girls that respond to most posts here are so confident in whoever they are. I am the opposite. A little more than 2 years out (with an awesome accepting supportive wife) after 40yrs of hiding this “depraved” “perverted” part of me. There is no question how happy I am when i get to fully present as Geena, but it’s always followed by guilt. Most days I feel confused, don’t know who I am or what I want/need. I talk to a therapist twice a month but I don’t know. Most of the time I feel like some kind of dual gender freak. Sorry, I’m just rambling. I should start a diary instead of boring all y’all.
Geena (or whoever i am).Geena,
I cam relate to the feelings you are having. When i started to dress in secret i would feel ashamed, and guilty. By exploring the clothing and the positive sensations they created, and starting to see how i felt after long periods dressed, i have come to the conclusion that this is my body and i should be able to dress it the way i want. It took many years. I still get a bad case of nerves when i am about to leave the house or show my wife a look i am trying.
The feelings of guilt and shame have almost completely faded. Realizing that no one out in the world seems to see me or acknowledge my different clothing choices i am not worried any more. Yes there are places that are dangerous for us to be out, but i find many of those places dangerous when dresses in male clothing.
That to people here, talk with your therapist, talk with your with, and find the joy in what we do.
Love and Hugs
Paula
Geena first off, as Bobbi has already said, you are NOT depraved or perverted!! I went through all those feelings for years before finally accepting who I am. My wonderful beloved wifey through her acceptance and love showed me I have nothing to be ashamed of and to be honest with her and myself and through her I have accepted myself and become a very happy person be it male or female in presentation. I know I am a lady in heart and soul and maybe if things were different I could have lived full time that way but I have family and work responsibilities that mean that ship has long since sailed. Please don’t criticize yourself and never degrade yourself for who you are! If you ever need someone to vent to or a shoulder to cry on please feel free to pm me. Take care and hang in.
🍷CHi Geena,
Self acceptance is the hardest part. Finding your true authentic feminine self is the next hardest part. This is when you deal with your SO or the outside world. If you have acceptance from your SO, then you have an easier time. It’s all inside. Don’t worry about the outside world.
Cheers!
Jenni😘
Hi Geena,
Hang in there. Keep coming here to cdh. I’m almost tempted to say get another therapist if they are not helping you understand that you are not a freak. Dual gender? Big deal, You are not the only one. Stay among helpful people that accept you, and hopefully you’ll come to accept that it’s just a part of your being.
It’s not always easy, It sounds like you are p**d off with this situation, But you can work through this. Have faith in yourself !
Marti xxx
Hi Geena!
Hey, you are NOT a dual gender freak, nor are you perverted or depraved! We need to drop those words from your vocabulary. In my case, I have personally met both you and your lovely bride, in person, face-to-face, and I know you are both great people!
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if some or most of these therapists and/or clinical psychologists have the proper training and experience to be of any use to us CDs? If you are familiar with Rhonda’s story, a counselor made the situation even worse.
Nevertheless, the feelings of guilt you are describing I can recall having them myself many years ago. They are difficult to handle, but the female part of our personality is part of us and is not going away. I tried suppressing the female part of my personality for many years, and it led to alcoholism.
One thing I always do too is I refer to my female self and my male self. They are NOT two separate personalities. We are one, and we are a happy ONE, when each part gets a chance to express itself.
Hey Geena, you and I are blessed with supportive spouses. For this, I am grateful!
We’re all here to share our experience, strength, and hope with each other in this wonderful self-help forum provided by CDH. I look forward to reading the valued opinions of others.
Hugs from Peggy Sue!
Geena. Ask the therapist to explore the possibility of D.I.D (Dissociative Identity Disorder) with you.
There is a danger of ignoring those feelings of guilt, and shame. Instead, they need confronting head on, to discover why they are there. And where do they come from.
It’s only through that confrontation that we can find answers.
Sometimes they are echoes of circumstances from long ago. Or a conflict between established world views. (Or perceived.)
It’s easy to give a platitude, your not a freak. You have nothing to be ashamed of. (But they don’t actually do much, apart from stroke our ego.) I’m reminded of the times my son would get a splinter or bindi in his foot. He would scream beg that I wouldn’t take it out. But instead, just put a bandaid on it.
(Of course, being a responsible parent, I plucked it out. )
There are a variety of reasons we suffer guilt and shame. Each one of us has a different reason.
What are the ‘real’ ressons you suffer guilt and shame?
Hi Genna never put your self down this way as these other ladies have said you are none of the above we all are women at heart begining many years ago and you can never shake it away as its part of you as well as the same us also .. Have a little sit down with wife and tell her whats going on in side maybe she can help with some girl talk good luck girl and just be you a girl on CDH ..
Stephanie Bass
We’ve all gone through guilt. But what we call guilt is really our minds telling us we don’t live up to other’s expectations. We have been told our whole lives that there is masculine and feminine, and if a male has feminine feelings he must be a freak. But the world is not black and white.
In native American culture, people who were dual gendered (or two spirited) were highly respected.Western society is starting to accept us more. We need to learn to accept ourselves, that we have a feminine side that we need to express. As we learn to care less what other’s think of us, we accept ourselves for who we are. And as we do that, the guilt diminishes down to a much more manageable level.
Hi Geena! 40 years of hiding and beating you’re self up with those negative thoughts and feelings seems to still weigh heavily upon you.. even though you have a wonderful wife and life situation, those negative thoughts keep creeping in and undermining you’re Happiness…Sounds like Geena is Loved and accepted by all the important people in you’re life…except you……. I have Purged and started over too many times until I realized that it’s not about everybody else it’s about me and that it is Ok to be Me!! We are the Sum of all our parts yet we share one Heart and I Finally listened to mine… Happiness is within you’re grasp and You deserve it!! Take Care Geena..
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Geena, I think most of the gals that have commented have already covered what I was going to say, but I want you to know that we support you! I doubt there are many of us that can say that those same thoughts haven’t crept into our minds. I’ve thought the same thing and then I found CDH and realized that I’m not a freak or perverted. I am just…me.
The beauty of this site and this community is that you can see that you are not alone. We have all struggled at some point. Even the people you say are so confident in who they are, I guarantee that they have had doubts. But we’re all here to support the community….and you are part of this community! You are who you are and sometimes understanding that and accepting that can take time.
The one thing you said that stands out to me is that you have awesome accepting and supportive wife. That, my friend, is truly a gift. Treasure it and never take it for granted and hopefully, she can help you through these times.
PM me if you ever need an ear!
*kisses* tara 🙂
Geena,
There were times I felt the way you feel. I would feel depressed, lonely and like I was doing something very wrong. But during these last six months or so something has changed in me and I think it’s that I have become very feminine and I like the way I am. A very big part of me is female and I really like it and I won’t feel that it is wrong ever again. The only negative thing is that I have not told my wife I’m dressing again (I did many years ago and she was not very excepting). I’m working on that.
Anyway Geena just take hold of your female side and run with it. With a supporting SO you have no real obstacles.
Hugs, Liara
I don’t understand why you should have any feelings of guilt? You say you have a supporting wife and that’s something many of the gurls here don’t have.
I know this argument has been beaten to death, but women can openly enjoy wearing what is considered male clothing and enjoy doing masculine activities. There’s no reason why a man can not enjoy wearing pretty clothes and enjoying feeling feminine at times.
Freeing yourself from masculinity and relaxing in the blissful world of femininity is a wonderful escape from the pressures that we all face as men.
I do believe those of us who have discovered this side of ourselves, are the fortunate ones. The pleasures we get from our escapes hurts no one, and to have a loving and understanding wife is something to be cherished.
HAVE NO GUILT! I’m sure you are just like me. If a situation arose that required you to be the masculine man that your wife married, you would drop the skirt in a heartbeat to come to her aid.
I’ve been crossdressing for as long as I can remember and that has never interfered with me being a loving husband and father to my kids. I’m hard working and a good provider.
I love the silkiness of wearing lingerie and when time allows I enjoy totally escaping into the wonderful world of femininity. SO WHAT!! No guilt feeling here!
Maybe a diary is a good idea!
It’d certainly help to break down what it is you feel guilty about.
Any guilt I had left completely when I came out fully to my wife.
She wasn’t particularly accepting and still isn’t – but I questioned deeply what I felt guilty about and why – and couldn’t come to any logical conclusions.
I’m a very emotion driven, artistic type of person, so using cold logic forced me to look at the situation scientifically – and, because I couldn’t find anything that I ought to be guilty or ashamed of, those feelings have really been consigned to the back seat.
That’s not to say they went away, just that if I do start feeling guilty, I pause, gently probe for reasons, find none (concerning cross dressing or how I deal with it) and all is good.
The thing I usually get mist guilty about is the amount of money I can spend supporting this need.
But I do set a budget, and don’t overspend by much – and I really did need a new lippy this month… 😁
What is the top thing that you feel guilty about?
Maybe that would be a useful poll 😀
Love Laura
Guilt and self-loathing in the early days, like many here, but with age comes tolerance and a degree of understanding. Just wish the SO was as laid-back about it as I am.
Connie
xxx
Geena,
You are indeed NOT alone. I don’t have better advice or counsel that the wonderful replies that you’ve already received. I will share that I too had those very same feelings and I understand them perfectly – you are not the only one, so take some comfort in that fact alone, i.e., you are NOT a ‘freak,’ not by a long shot.
Self-acceptance takes careful and considered effort and as others have shared, an appropriate therapist can be helpful (presuming they have the right skill set and experience). For me, my guilt could only be removed by getting to a point of self-acceptance – and it is important, I think, to note that self-acceptance is not necessarily synonymous with ‘coming out.’ I remain largely closeted (only my wife and counselor know about this part of me) even though I reached the point of self-acceptance about 9 months ago (after 14 years of guilt, purges, and everything else that so many of us know all too well). So my advice to you would be to not follow my example – get off the guilt train much sooner please!
There is a way to get to a guilt-free crossdressing existence, I know because I’ve done it, but it the path isn’t the same for all of us, nor is the locale once we reach that destination. Living guilt-free about all this can look very different for each of us as individuals – and it can be anything from ‘fully out’ to still closeted. Only you know what the source of your guilt is, but I assure you that once you can accept who you are, and create the environment necessary for this part of you to exist in a guilt-free way, you may well look upon your ‘dual-naturedness’ as a blessing, and not a curse. And I can tell you first hand, getting to that place is worth the effort….
Wishing you all the best in this, and of course always here to listen, comfort, and support in any way I can!
Marcellette
Hi Geena.
Though I haven’t read all the replies because of time constraints, I have read a number of them. And it seems I don’t need to read them all because of a consensus that acceptance of self – “that being CDer or trans is who you are,” is the pathway to overcoming guilt. Once that acceptance is embraced the next step of the journey is, “what do I do with this? How do I manage who I am in a way that meets my needs while not violating the needs of those I love.” Ah, that is the $64,0000.00 question which if not answered properly may bring guilt.
So something to consider, “Have you yet accepted you as you fundamentally are; a crossdresser or trans or ________ (you fill in the blank)?”
If there is anyone that should be overwhelmed with guilt about CDing / identifying as trans it’s me. Read my profile (I believe you have) yet the guilt about being trans and self identifying as a woman is gone in spite of my Bible based deeply held faith. Why? I have come to understand and accept this fundamental truth, “this is who I am,” and not just something I do that is on the fringes, judged, and frowned upon.
My inner conflict now is not guilt; now it is frustration. The conundrum that generates the said frustration? “How do I get others to understand me as I understand me and therefore accept my personal expression choices?”
Does this conundrum create an inner tension? To be sure it does, but the turmoil of guilt is gone. I know who I am; I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made this way. This is my God’s design for me. In that I rest and find comfort for I know that my Creator is not looking to condemn me for being trans. Guilt is gone as I live in peace with Him.
Frustration, well there are many things in life that make us frustrated are there not? Yes. That is life in the here and now. But like all such things I enjoy the challenge of figuring the way past frustration into contentment. And I have learned to find contentment even in the journey from frustration to contentment. But the first step of that part of the journey – through frustration to contentment starts with acceptance of self.
Hugs, we are here to help.
Your friend,
Charrie
No Geena, you’re not boring me.
In my short time here, I’ve accumulated quite the diary of posts, responses and private messages. It’s all helped tremendously in accepting who I am!
Like they say in the biker world:
“Therapy is expensive, wind in your hair is not!”
You my dears are the wind!
(Although some of you are tornados and hurricanes!). LOL!!
Hugs, Barb 🤗
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Hi Geena.
You are not much different than most of us here because all of us had doubts and frustration at some point and many still struggle. You can repress those feelings for years but its always there lurking. It takes a mentally tough person to deal with being a CD but once you can find a place of peace in your mind it becomes easy. Accepting yourself is the key and there can be many barriers to that place but we are who we are and its not going away. The best of luck to you on your journey.
I’m an underdresser and don’t have the courage to wear women’s outer clothing outdoors (or my wife’s permission). I do wear my painted nails openly but that’s as far as it goes.
I don’t go further because I worry it would embarrass my wife and family, but that’s not the same as guilt. I feel zero guilt in my stockings and frillies and I just like them.
Stay closeted as much as you feel you need, but enjoy what you do. You’re doing zero harm, which is really the only rule.
I can’t speak for all, but I can speak in depth on me. No you’re not the only one. I absolutely felt this way for a long time. And it still creeps in from time to time, but rarely now. Doubt is as common as air when it comes to this aspect of our lifestyle. It is rarely spoken about and historically hasn’t been accepted but it is present and it is real. For me I finally just decided this is who I am and I am gonna own it. From that point on I have enjoyed all aspects of it.
I have become a full time underdresser. I don’t even own men’s undies. I wear a bralette 50% of the time. Leggings daily in cold weather under my jeans. I wear women’s jeans most of the time now. And just got my ears pierced. And to be honest, I am super happy with all this.
When the time is right you too will come to terms with it and until then just keep posting. We will keep answering. It’s why we are here hun. To support each other.
💋
Trisha
Hello Geena
Thank you for letting us know how you feel, not everybody is completely positive it can be hard. Your not boring Geena just expressing your feelings it helps everyone to hear different views.
Love Sarah
xx
No, you’re not the only one. I feel this way too.
I wonder if it’s “OK” too. Cultural norms are strong, and there are a wide variety of things that work to make us feel that way. One of the things that I do like about dressing, is that it allows me to think about these things in a more nuanced way. I am a social scientist and I can tell you it’s one thing to sit in a classroom and discuss social norms and quite another to actively break or experiment with them. I am also deeply religious, so I do often wonder if this is really ok, or if I’m just really confused.
Either way, whatever I learn going forward, I’m much more honest with myself about whatever I am and whatever it means. I also find I have much more compassion and patience for others, no matter what they’re struggling with. I think I’m a better person for having come out, whatever may happen in the future.
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