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Hello sisters!
Full disclosure, this is a bit of a long story so strap yourselves in or feel free to turn your attention elsewhere.
So let’s get our heavy dose of context out of the way before I start here: I’m a 45-year-old genetic male (probably; more on that later) who’s been crossdressing since the age of 11 or so. For most of my life I’ve been wracked by guilt over this “unnatural” and “sinful” behavior until a frank moral inventory I took a few years ago that was a real game-changer. I won’t get into specifics because religion is sort of a hot-button topic here (but feel free to message me privately if you’re curious). Since then I’ve unapologetically thrown myself into being my best girl when the mood strikes, quickly stocking up a veritable arsenal of prosthetics, hose, heels, dresses, makeup, and other sundries to help me look and feel as girly as possible. And not gonna lie, feeling girly feels good!
Despite all this, few outside the community know about my double life. I find myself crippled by (likely irrational) fear of judgment and rejection from the ones closest to me should they find out about that part of my life. For context, most of my friends and family tend liberal, many annoyingly so, though my landlady… well it’s complicated. She’s an ardent Trump supporter who’s also a pot farmer and artist, so I really have no idea if she’d kick me out or congratulate me if she found out. I could probably find another place but honestly I’ve grown really attached to this place and the people who call it home. I’m single and intend to stay that way, so no preexisting romantic relationships to take into account.
For unrelated reasons, I’ve had a lot of medical tests done on me lately, to try to diagnose relatively minor but impactful symptoms I’ve been having. Among these tests was one for Klinefelter’s (for the uninitiated, this is a genetic condition in which an apparent male has an XXY sex chromosome makeup in full or in part). These tests came back negative but many of the symptoms (gynecomastia, lack of sex drive, LH and FSH levels) seemed to line up. The latest theory is that this stems from an abnormality in my pituatary gland but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, I fully acknowledge my body is not normal for a male. Though intersex would be a gross exaggeration from an objective standpoint, the fact that I considered the possibility with a favorable outlook speaks to my mentality.
Lately, I’ve been disciplining myself to take an honest inventory, and here’s what I’ve noticed. I feel happier and more relaxed when dressed and presenting as female (though I’m still scared of people seeing me that way, it’s become less and less of an issue over time). I honestly think it would be kind of nice to go on HRT, grow a decent feminine figure, maybe lose some of that pesky body hair, but I currently don’t really have any desire to have any bottom surgery except maybe castration as I’m basically asexual/celibate anyway. Maybe if the right person came along they’d change my mind, but I’m not even sure if that would be a woman, man, or other at this point.
How do I feel on the inside, you may ask? While I enjoy being pretty, and I definitely prefer the look of my feminine self to my masculine one, honestly I feel… human. Not quite male. Not quite female. Maybe both, maybe neither?
I’m at a loss here. I’m likely going to see a gender therapist in the near future to get an objective opinion, but I wanted to run the question by you girls here as well. Does it seem like I could be trans? Or that medically pursuing some sort of partial transitioning would be advisable?
Thanks in advance and all my love!
Hi Va’sherll
I think a lot of us struggle with these same questions. We can dress up as anything , but ‘presenting’ to the world as male, female or whatever, brings a whole lot of issues. As others have said, only you can decide your own journey but just keep this in mind-no decision is perfect. ‘What was I thinking’ moments are part of being human. Wishing you all the best.
Wow, Val’sheril, yours is definitely unique among the posts I’ve read since joining CDH. To answer your question: I’m kind of old fashioned and very comfortable with a traditional non-transitioning crossdresser self-image.
I love being here because I get to interact in a more womanly manner than my life roles call for. I don’t experience a whole lot of conflict about that. I feel there’s enough of me to be all the things of which my wonderful life consists in a harmonious manner.
As Cam said, you have to decide about you. Whatever you decide it’s good to have you here.
Hugs & kisses,
W.Hi Val’sheril what a lot of interesting things you have given us to think about, for one it’s other people who think of it being unnatural and sinfull in what we do but it’s who we are, I like to think it’s all mother nature’s fault, all embryos are XX at conception and after so many females are born she says right time for some males for survival of the species I’ll throw in some Y chromasomes but she gets the mixture wrong and you end up with XXY you get the outward look of a man but the inward feel of a woman, well that’s what i think anyway, as to whether you think you are trans that’s up to you we can only offer you our help in whatever you decide, I’m sure all the girls will support you in what you decide to do,
Hugs Rozalyn X 💋
Not to “um, actually” you, you raise some very valid and affirming points, but (most of the time anyway) the actual XX vs XY is determined at conception via the sperm lottery, however sexual development as a male is determined by a particular chemical cocktail in the womb where the path of least resistance is to develop as a female.
Not that I put that much weight on what happens en utero, I mean if where I started out determines what I want to be I’d be wishing I was a tadpole. 😉
Thanks so much for your perspective. It just goes to show we here at CDH are all over the place on the ‘trans’ line. I know how intimidating it can be coming out to others worried about how they will respond. Like when my X threatened to tell my 4 brothers, I went and told them myself. They are all over on the conservative – liberal line. I found 3 are supportive or don’t care and one?? I still don’t know yet. We will never know if we don’t stick our neck out.
Best of luck to you on your journey!!
CassieHi Val’sheril,
As Camahta (Sam) mentions, “there are many different “flavors” of transgender”. But I can tell you this, as a transitioned trans woman who has known they were trans long before the term was even in use, I knew when I was only 4 year old that I was supposed to be a girl. You either are or you aren’t, there is no “kinda”.
The different flavors refers to the stages that trans people can opt to go through during their journey.
I knew I was trans my whole life, and dressed accordingly when possible. I “came out” last year and transitioned this past February, I now live and work as a legal female. That is called a social transition. The next option is HRT which introduces definite changes both mentally and physically.
After that there are the gender affirmation surgical options, facial feminization, breast augmentation or “top surgery”, Orchiectomy or removal of testicles, and the biggest one that is definitely irreversible, bottom surgery or vaginoplasty, where a vagina is created using the tissues of your penis.
I have socially transitioned, I had heart surgery almost 17 months ago and the medications I am on prevent me from having HRT at this time. I am considering an Orchiectomy, and my mind plays around with breast implants even though I have a nice scar down the middle of my ribcage.
So, as has been suggested, only you know if you are trans or not. If you are happy occasionally dressing and then feeling as a female, I would say you are a crossdresser. IF, and that IF is an important thing to consider, if you truly desire to actually be a woman, to live, work, socialize and exist, as a woman…then you are transgender.
I hope that helps 🙂Big hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Hi Astrid, I am a transwoman and you have all the signs I did except for gynecomastia (although I always had well-developed pecs, even if I didn’t do upper body strength training). I remember one summer in my late 20s I was at my sister’s pool and she said I’d have made a great-looking woman! How much I wanted to say, “me too. can you help me get there?” LoL
Being trans isn’t even as simple as the chromosomal thing. It’s all in how our genes, hormones, and other factors develop in utero. There are a myriad of trans experiences – feminine, masculine, binary, non-binary, pansexual, it’s a very colorful spectrum (pun intended!). Do seek out an experienced gender therapist or psych office where they can help you determine what is the best way forward for you. I grew up in an evangelical household where Billy Graham was too liberal – believe it or not!
My therapist helped me see in two months what I’d been denying for 60 years. They can pull out what is right for you – maybe stay a part-time CD, maybe go full-time, maybe do HRT, maybe get some, all, or no surgery. I’m on HRT and am getting at least the orchiectomy to get off the T-blocker. Maybe I’ll get bottom surgery, but maybe not. Rn the dysphoria simply is there is no functional need to keep any of my male bits. I went full-time on December 21 and I have no intention of going back.
It is costing me a marriage to my soul-mate and a lot of intangibles, but the benefits of feeling whole and myself have made it worthwhile so far.
thanks for a great intro and welcome to the group!
Brie
Thanks, Brielle! It’s more encouraging than you know to hear from your experiences. I have started sessions with a gender therapist and while I still don’t have a lot of clarity I’ve come to the realization that most if not all of my obstacles are fear-based… at the same time, this is hardly the sort of decision one jumps into, particularly if one is me. I will of course keep you ladies posted on my progress for now, but please know (this goes for everyone) my gratitude goes beyond what mere words can express. <3
Hi Astrid. Reading through your post the answers are there.
The fundamental thing is that you enjoy your feminine persona and have done so since you were young, it makes you feel better and, if I read it right, is the person you want to be. You have a place of your own and have no relationship, no complications so can dress what you so desire. It would seem to me that you are very comfortable as the feminine self, physically and mentally. It’s everything else that causes the problems.
Living in a society that says what you are doing is wrong creates that fear of developing yourself outside that bubble be it school, church, family or peer influence. being afraid of what people will say, think and do is one of the biggest fears we have of expressing ourselves. You have lived most of your life conforming to the male self which leaves an imprint in the psyche along with those male hormones and chromosones which have another effect. Of course there is sexuality which you do not state but it maybe that you prefer women but in your female self you are unsure. Is that because you feel that you should prefer men to conform as a woman. That is for you to decide but be careful to decide that whatever you feel it is because you really want to take a particular path as that could cause future issues.
Then comes the questioning ,What am I? Due to the myriad of labels and interpretations that causes more confusion. Simply you are what you are and what you do is down to you. It is identifying a label that you feel suits you and at your stage is not important. Surgery , hormones and other procedures are available and perhaps you feel a pressure to do some or all but do you?
It is a very hard path to take and there are a lot of considerations which creates confusion and pressure. Once you have decided who you are and where you want to go with it then is the time to draw breath and create a strategy to get there. You do what is right for you and not to conform to the stereotype of transgender as it is what you want it to be.
I went through the path of guilt, questioning and the who am or what am I stages over the years but I went back to my first dressing experiences knowing then I was a girl at heart and despite the conventions and opinions of the day, I knew this was right for me, it was the others that were wrong. So I bide my time and when things improved I started to come out and move forward slowly but surely. Today I live as a woman and say I am transgender to those who ask or when it is needed as it is an accepted title. I have had no surgery either but have successfully transitioned genders, living and interacting with society. So as in my experience you can transition without surgery or you can go for anything up to what others here are doing and that is up to you. From your pictures you look great already.
Some here have replied and knew what they were and where they wanted to go with their lives after having to do conformity until the time was right due to a lot of reasons you have said. They are trans and I would agree you certainly have those tendencies so perhaps, as Descartes said ‘I think therefore I am’. So I would say have a good think , settle your issues and make a plan.
My P.M. box is always open.
Thank you Angela for your well-thought-out response, and I may well take you up on that at some point it’s not the wee hours of the morning.
To clarify a point I may have unintentionally left vague, sexuality is a non-issue to me. I appreciate any gender aesthetically, however I believe my stance on sexuality in general is best encompassed by a half-joking line I used to identify one of my characters’ sexuality: hard pass. Ironically this has been harder to explain at times than my crossdressing or transgender desires. People (by which I should say many people) just see asexuality/celibacy as this strange, alien thing, like “what is wrong with this person?!” I posit it’s not a defect to be fixed but a treasure to be celebrated.
Okay, stepping down from soapbox now. Seriously, thank you!
Thanks for your candour Astrid.
I told a (trusted female)friend a similar story a couple of years ago.
She said to me ’YOU ARE YOU’.I consider myself, and in my opinion you, transgender. We are all different and that is wonderful. In the words of Brendan Urie and Taylor Swift
‘I’m the only one of me and baby that’s the fun of me’
The prefix trans means across, and if you think of male at one end of a continuum and female at the other, we are somewhere in between, on a journey of discovery across the continuum.
I will happily tell somebody I am transgender, no longer ashamed or guilty or afraid.
I know there is a lot of debate in the big wide world, and even within the LGBT+ community, regarding what is and what isn’t transgender. But in my opinion if somebody who presents themselves as going across this continuum, and is brave enough to call themselves transgender, this should be respected.
Just my tuppenceworth.
B x
Hi Astrid,
I highly recommend a therapist if you can find one that has a lot of experience with Transgender people. I’ve had one that said they had experience but they were a long way off the mark in our initial conversation so I knew they weren’t right.
You and I are fairly similar on the face of it it seems. I’m a bit older now at 53 and I do have adult kids and a wife though.
When people are questioning, apparently it’s bad form to tell them if they’re trans (and you could be non-binary). Better to let them discover it for themselves but I’d consider a couple standard points that my therapist and others on the internet will tell you.
1) Cisgender people don’t usually wonder if they are transgender.
2) You’re happy (happier?) when presenting female
If you’re like me, you’ll find that you can discover more with a therapist. I’d already considered myself transgender before seeing a therapist but was having trouble accepting it and doing anything about it. Likely you should start pushing your comfort zones a bit by getting out and about as Astrid and seeing how that feels.
It is harder to feel famine when you’ve had a lifetime of acting the male part though. It’s left me wondering if femininity is worth pursuing now. I like to think I am and will do more though. After about two years (since my realization) I’m starting to feel more feminine even when disguised as a man. I think it’s going to be a long road for me but maybe HRT will speed that along. Another decision I’m avoiding making so I can pretend that this double life is a good way to go…
Good luck Astrid!
— ‘Abbie 🥰
Well, are you trans? Good question. All I can tell you is what I know about me and see if anything feels the same to you. First off, as far as I’m concerned we are all transgender period. More specifically, I. Consider myself Gender Fluid. I at a moments notice, move from one gender to the opposite. Sometimes, I get stuck in between and trying to figure out who I am becomes difficult and confusing. Yes, it makes me mentally frustrated until I choose a gender by force really. I have come to control my dysphoria and it helps.
I do know this; I can remain either male or female for weeks or months without batting a lash. I do not struggle or get frustrated when presenting for extended periods of time. I feel completely natural in either gender, normal. Can you stay en femme 24/7 for weeks on end? Most can’t in my opinion. I only switch genders when my mind and body tells me to most of the time.When I talk about transition, I refer to individuals that transition completely, FRS, SRS, etc. and live full time as the opposite gender they were assigned at birth. People who transition generally, do so because they do not feel their gender matches their body appearance. They hate their bodies looking wrong. Many will attempt suicide. Many want to transition but cannot afford SRS, transexuals for instance, some never want bottom surgery.i
Do I want to transition? Probably not but… currently I enjoy being gender fluid. I know who I am, I accept who I am, and for the most part, I get to enjoy being both genders. To top it off, I have a S/O who totally accepts me for me. We do everything together, she is my best friend and lover in any gender. She does however identify me as male in bed exclusively. She is not lesbian and cannot feel being lesbian. No problem. She will on occasion suggest I tone down the look, but otherwise, no issues. If I didn’t have her, My thinking of transition might change, not sure. I love me so no reason to consider anything else.
I think a gender therapist would be a valuable asset for anyone who is not sure who they are, not sure if they like who they are, not sure if they can accept who they are, and wondering where all this is going.
hugs, Jillleanne
Jilleanne,
Reading your story feels like I am looking at myself. I feel the same as you in many ways. While I do enjoy (I would even say love) dressing as a woman. I still have to present as a male on a daily basis most everyday. I have a loving and supporting wife that goes shopping with me, helps me pick out outfits, styles wigs for me and helps me with my makeup. She still refers to me as my male pronouns and male name, she fully supports Syndee but will at times say I just want to be with my husband tonight.
I also feel as I identify more as Non-binary or gender fluid. I am seeking a therapist but have not found one near me as of yet and I plan on moving to a different state this summer so I am thinking I am just going to wait till after the move. While I have a supportive wife, even she feels that having a therapist would be good for me just so I have someone else to talk to.
I find your post very interesting and spot on. As I said it is like you were in my head saying what is on my mind. I my honest opinion this is the best thing about this site and it members. You all are so open and have such good and positive information for us newer ladies. Thank you all for everything.
Syndee
Thank you Syndee. As for the therapy, I would agree to wait until you move. If you start now, you will just have to start from day one all over again. Just my thought.
Jill,
That is how I feel. It is hard enough sometimes to tell one person and start that journey only to move and have to start all over again. As far as I can tell from my research the area that I am moving to is very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and is very open minded so I think I will have a better chance of finding a therapist there and be able to be a more open about who I am in that area.
Astrid:
Given that precious few of us have any medical experience, this is a very subjective topic. So, I will offer some general information.
There is the lingering opinion that one must experience gender dysphoria in order to be considered transgender. Clinicians have figured out that “It ain’t necessarily so.” and that while that is the case for some, it is not true for everyone. Unfortunately some members of the community still want to use that as some sort of Gold Star qualification. Don’t be swayed by their BS.
In my case, I’ve never had any feelings that I was in the wrong body and that it was creating difficulty for me. What I eventually realized was that I never thought of myself as completely male, or completely female for that matter. As I reflected on my life, that explained many things for which I never had an answer previously.
Anyway, the point is that being transgender is not a cookie cutter deal. There are many facets that play out in different ways for all of us. At best you can say that there are some similarities comparing one person to another, but it will never be 1:1. There are just too many variables.
Hi Ladies,
I may look at this a bit simplistic, but here it goes and see if it resonates. I am happy as a male, who likes to experience and experiment dressing up as a woman as often as possible. I am not and never will be attracted to men period, no matter how they present. Although, I do find many here visually attractive no doubt. To use the cliche, I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body at times. I would never do the HRT or any sort of surgery. I would like a bit larger breasts though. I’m so attracted to women, that I like to be one as much as possible, but again no physical changes to achieve that. When I check out women, it’s not just the physical attractiveness, but I also check out the outfits they wear. If I was not married with kids, I would probably have even more clothes and would seek women that accept or are attracted to cross dressers. Bottom line, I adore feeling feminine as is, wearing women’s clothes and emulating movements, walking, mannerisms, and presenting as a woman. The presentation is more to use the Aerosmith song of “dude looks like a lady”, but one that is as passable as possible whether inside or going out. Definitely not trans, but maybe gender confused, but definitely attracted to women only.
XOXO
KarensaHey sisters, it’s been about three months and I realize you gals are long overdue for an update.
First off, advice well heeded from several of you; I’ve been having regular conversations with a gender therapist as well as doing a lot of at times difficult soul-searching, and I’ve come to realize something important.
I am trans, but… not in the way that many of you might expect. More specifically, I consider myself a genderfluid trans woman. To unpack that, I don’t mind being male or being referred to by my male name or pronouns. But I also don’t want to be limited to that; more specifically, I’d like to work toward presenting more as a female. To wit, I am in process of coming out, which is a difficult thing, and if all goes well will be starting on hormones within the next month or so.
Needless to say this is a daunting and somewhat scary prospect after 35 years or so “behind the mask”, but recent history has shown that I can take nothing for granted, including my own life expectancy; at the end of the day I want to die happy, and this seems like the answer for me.
In short, thank you all for your clarity and support, your thoughts and your prayers (should you swing that way). I will do my best to keep you updated on my progress in these turbulent yet productive times.
All my love <3
Astrid, something you just said. At the end of the day you want to die happy. I am not sure exactly where I am on the trans spectrum or where I want/need? to go. But I decided that at my age (68) I might have 28 days to live or 28 years, I don’t know. AND I am having fun just finding out who I am/want to be.
Study yourself and enjoy the ride.. Cassie
Gender fluidity is an interesting concept. As far as I know, clinicians don’t really understand what triggers the movement from one gender identity to another. As a laywoman, I liken it to multiple personalities in that we don’t know what triggers that either. Evidently, it just happens.
Anyway, the human mind is a VERY complex machine. The best that we can do is to continue to peel the onion.
Safe travels on your journey!
Genderfluidity is perhaps even more intriguing when one takes off the “binary goggles” as it were and understand it’s entirely possible to live every moment in the grey area between male and female and be thoroughly happy and satisfied. I currently don’t know what my endgame even is, truth be told, or if I even have one. But I’m enjoying every second of the journey of discovery.
Interesting that you should bring up multiple personalities though; in my more flippant moments I’ve been known to use the term “gender-bipolar” to describe myself. 😉
We had a friend of ours visit this past week who has a doctorate in psychology. I asked her about this. If you work with a person with multiple personalities long enough, a pattern forms as to what events trigger a shift. Often it is easier, or preferable, to deal with a situation as one personality as opposed to another. Anyway, not exactly sure how this may apply to gender fluid people as sometimes it is quite abrupt from what I have heard. One might wake up with a gender identity different from what it was when they went to sleep. However, I think that is fairly unusual.
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