AM I TRANSGENDER?

looking to draw on members knowledge to answer a question I am struggling with.

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  • #397759
    Bianca Everdene
    Participant
    Registered On: April 11, 2017
    Topics: 16
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    Hi all you wonderful people.

    Need some help!

    Saw a post from a new member about being labelled. I’ve been here for a few years now, and hope some of you know me from my posts, replies, PMs etc.

    For  those of you who don’t know me I am probably representative of many here, middle aged heterosexual not wanting to physically transition. I do not consider myself transsexual.  I do not live full time in Bianca mode mainly as I am scared my kids will be subject to bullying at school, kids can be so cruel.

    However inside the femimine traits in my personality feel like the real me. Inside I feel like a woman, and the more I let this part of me out ( including dressing) the happier I become, the more naturally ‘me’ I become.

    I know many of you have much more experience and expertise than I in this area. I want to draw on that vast bank of research, knowledge, experiences.

    So why do ask?  Interesting thing happened. I was looking for some local clubs online to help get some social interaction during these strange times and came across a ‘FEMINIST BOOKLOVERS CLUB’. I would love to explore this and maybe ask to join. Just feel inside I would be on the same wavelength and love it. Would they be more likely to accept me into their club if I presented myself as Transgender, rather than a heterosexual male?

    If anybody wants to question me further to come to a conclusion ask away.

    Help!

    ❤️B

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    • #399873
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 671
      Has thanked: 9 times
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      Ah yes, a falling out with the boss lady in a local CD/Trans group.  All so familiar, over the years, and IMHO, probably part of our growing process.

      My wife and I were on the administrative board of the local CD group.  In recent years, the character of the group seriously changed, as did the “leadership.”  We both resigned and moved on.  We outgrew the group, particularly when it ceased to function any longer as a support group.

      My goals?  Pretty well have remained constant.  Have fun being a girl and offer support to other girls.

      For me, after defending the person for some time, she finally turned on me and revealed her true colors. When I joined the board in January of 2017, there were 2 At Large members, a Secretary and I served the Treasurer function. When I resigned at the end of March 2019, those 2 At Large members resigned and 2 others joined and resigned, The Secretary resigned and was replaced sequentially by 3 others and they all subsequently resigned. Over that 2 years and 3 months I was the ONLY constant, yet she called me Disloyal. There were several other issues, but this one was the most quickly explained. Also, this person who was by now in her mid-40’s did not understand how the corporate environment worked as that represented no more than 2 years of her work life. By the time that I joined the organization I had retired from a 43 year career as a mechanical engineer, had worked outside of the US for 6 years, held 2 patents, held a professional engineer’s license for 30+ years and had presented a paper before an international conference. My speculation is that there was considerable jealousy involved. Anyway, it was aggravation that I just didn’t need. I decided that I was too old to put up with that BS and resigned…

    • #399026
      Rei Durden
      Participant
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 14
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      I voted yes, but at other times would have voted no. The male/female sides ebb and flow so there’s no simple label or box for me to point to.

      Acknowledging that both parts even existed has been such a relatively recent experience I expect my opinions to change as I learn and grow.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398935
      Amber Scott
      Participant
      Registered On: June 30, 2019
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 61
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      Transgender seems to have become an umbrella term. I encourage all to look up the terms Transgender, Transsexual, Transvestite and Crossdresser. There are differences between all four.

      Love and Peace,

      Amber

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398566
      Peggy Sue Williams
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2019
      Topics: 10
      Replies: 214
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      Ah yes, a falling out with the boss lady in a local CD/Trans group.  All so familiar, over the years, and IMHO, probably part of our growing process.

      My wife and I were on the administrative board of the local CD group.  In recent years, the character of the group seriously changed, as did the “leadership.”  We both resigned and moved on.  We outgrew the group, particularly when it ceased to function any longer as a support group.

      My goals?  Pretty well have remained constant.  Have fun being a girl and offer support to other girls.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398328
      Lee Ann Rakers
      Participant
      Registered On: August 18, 2019
      Topics: 4
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      Bianca,

      Go as you, and see how you’re treated. You might be pleasantly surprised.

      Lee Ann

       

       

       

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398281
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 671
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      Thanks  DeeAnn for your message.

      What you have is what, maybe to a lesser extent, I aspire to.

      To join and be accepted by a group of women in what is a traditionally womens issue, and also help me explore femininity to help me grow inside. I do believe feminism is a valid cause to support.

      Many say that seeking validation in this life is a shallow pursuit, but I feel that being accepted by a group of females, especially in such a female dominated domaine ( as you were) would give validation to the Bianca in me. And that would make me so happy.

      I also think it would be interesting and  enjoyable.

      ❤️B

      To tell you the truth, I didn’t plan any of that. I was board member of our local trans organization and I resigned after a serious falling out with the executive director. I guess a couple of women friends thought that I needed something to fill some of my time, so that’s how it started and one thing led to another.

      Something I learned a long time ago is that frequently Life or The Universe or God (depending upon your beliefs) puts you in a particular situation at a particular time. But the thing is, the series of events that follow can only stem from being in that situation at that time and place. We can choose to walk through the door or not, but an opportunity has been presented.

      Many of the women that I have met are really interesting people. In a way it was an extension of my former professional life where over the years I worked with people from 17 different countries. I enjoyed that because it presented a great chance to learn what others are like and their cultures and traditions. It truly enriched my life. It also made the point that we are more alike that we different. The same applies to the women I’ve met. Some have overcome great obstacles. Others have progressed in spite of very difficult beginnings. Others still started from a good place and continued to build on that. It’s been a great learning experience. When we were meeting in person, the Women’s Circle meetings were always a breakfast. For the other 2 we often went out to eat afterwards. I always felt that my company was appreciated and that was a very good feeling. To show you how things go, I was leaving the Chat Group on day and I was talking to one of the women on the way out. She is a retired high school phys ed reached from New York City who can be wickedly funny. Just as we were about to part, I asked if she would like to go to lunch with me. She said yes, so we went a few blocks up the street to a quiet, fairly small restaurant. We got there about 12:30 and we had a grand time. Great conversation, a very nice lunch and lots of back and forth. When we finally decided to leave, it was a few minutes after 4pm. The time just flew. What I would guess is that sorting out my gender identity allowed this more open and more gregarious part of me to surface and be the person I should be.

      I’ll admit that I have no idea why, but to my way of thinking, it was no accident that I am here in this place at this point in time…

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398192
      Amanda Woods
      Participant
      Registered On: November 26, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 33
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      I voted yes, because I didn’t want to vote no.  All I can say is I like both parts of me, i know many feel the same, but if i could have a magic wand or a pill and could change back and forth I would, i do think however i would spend more time as a woman.  Love to all, be safe and live your dream!

    • #398167
      Tiff Any
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2019
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      I guess we’re all on the spectrum somewhere , does it have to be specific ??

      I’ve settled that I’m gender fluid , predominantly feminine & each day I share my body .

      I display my feminine side daily …in either mode 🌹🌹

    • #398079
      Bianca Everdene
      Participant
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 567
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      I voted yes. You describe me perfectly too.

      Until I joined CDH I was content to be a straightforward crossdresser – a heterosexual man who enjoyed wearing women’s clothing.    But the more I read the girls stories and experiences the more I began to think there was more to me than I had realised.   A little light went on, so I dug deeper.  Eventually the truth dawned and Stephanie stepped out from the shadows.  She had always been there, I just hadn’t realised it.

      That changed my life.  I KNOW now that I have a female identity.  Other peoples opinions don’t matter a jot, everyone has their own personal journey.  It’s what you know in your  heart that counts.  Listen to it.

      I think you know the answer.

      Stephanie P

      Thanks Stephanie for the kind words of a kindred spirit.

      And yes you are right, deep down I do feel I know the answer.

      I respect and values the opinions of  my friends here.

      ❤️B

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398074
      stephanie plumb
      Participant
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 96
      Replies: 888
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      I voted yes. You describe me perfectly too.

      Until I joined CDH I was content to be a straightforward crossdresser – a heterosexual man who enjoyed wearing women’s clothing.    But the more I read the girls stories and experiences the more I began to think there was more to me than I had realised.   A little light went on, so I dug deeper.  Eventually the truth dawned and Stephanie stepped out from the shadows.  She had always been there, I just hadn’t realised it.

      That changed my life.  I KNOW now that I have a female identity.  Other peoples opinions don’t matter a jot, everyone has their own personal journey.  It’s what you know in your  heart that counts.  Listen to it.

      I think you know the answer.

      Stephanie P

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397961
      Bianca Everdene
      Participant
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 567
      Has thanked: 2003 times
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      Thanks  DeeAnn for your message.

      What you have is what, maybe to a lesser extent, I aspire to.

      To join and be accepted by a group of women in what is a traditionally womens issue, and also help me explore femininity to help me grow inside. I do believe feminism is a valid cause to support.

      Many say that seeking validation in this life is a shallow pursuit, but I feel that being accepted by a group of females, especially in such a female dominated domaine ( as you were) would give validation to the Bianca in me. And that would make me so happy.

      I also think it would be interesting and  enjoyable.

      ❤️B

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397955
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
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      Before I get to my reply, there are 2 things:

      • While the term transvestite is falling into increasing disfavor in the US, it is still a viable term in the UK.
      • Transgendered is not a correct term. The implication is that something happened to make us become transgender, but it doesn’t work like that. We are or we are not; we don’t become, we realize.

      I identify as transgender and non-binary. What I finally realized is that I am this combination of female and male thoughts, energies and perspectives. Fortunately I don’t have dysphoria so I have no plans to medically transition. However, my social transition is essentially complete. These days it is rare for me to leave my house and not be dressed. I retired almost 5 years ago and relocated to the SoCal desert. In that time I’ve probably met somewhere upwards of 300 people and I suspect fewer than 10% have ever met Don. I’ve been in publications as DeeAnn and have given speeches as DeeAnn and that’s how the vast majority of people know me.

      Now, I will not say that I pass; perhaps outside of 10ft but not closer. On the other hand, I am quite presentable and always as a nicely dressed older woman: shorts, skirts or skorts (occasionally a dress), bra and forms, makeup, jewelry, heels around 3” and a hat. I may be old, but I ain’t dead yet!

      About a year and a half ago someone suggested that I check out a Women’s Chat Group. It is a group of mostly retired lesbians. I did a bit of research and decided to go. I’ve never presented myself as anything other than DeeAnn and if anyone has a problem with me, it has never come to light. I am still attending, via ZOOM calls these days, once a week. It is a fascinating group as our backgrounds are so dissimilar. Retired teachers, former police officer, therapists, a chiropractor, a real estate person, a few who used to be involved in social services and our facilitator was an IT person for many years. Right at the beginning of the year, our facilitator was ill and had to stay home. I was surprised when the assistant director of the LGBT Center asked me to fill in. The women were very pleased that I had accepted.

      A month or 2 after starting with the Chat Group, the 2 women who organize a group called the Women’s Circle invited me to a meeting. It is a group of lesbian small business owners, but they also like to have the input of people who have had corporate careers. I attended several meetings and will continue when they start up again. No problems there either.

      A month or 2 after that I was invited to a meeting of a group called OLOC: Old Lesbians Organizing for Change. As it suggests they are a support and advocacy organization. No problems their either.

      While I am always nicely turned out, you would have to be extremely nearsighted to think that I was Assigned Female At Birth. However, I do try purposefully to not dominate a conversation and don’t talk about things where my knowledge is very limited (childbirth, menopause, etc.). I try very hard to respect the people that I am with and their experiences. So far I have not had any issues.

      Part of my reasoning is also you never know exactly what pushes someone’s buttons. I don’t want them to talk about the difficulties that they have had with men (a number of these women were married to men at some point) and then look at me funny.

      So, all of this was intended to explain where I’m coming from. In all these interactions I want them to see and recognize DeeAnn. She is a large part of who I am. It never crossed my mind to go as Don. I respect them as women and I want them to respect me as a transgender woman. If someone was not OK with that, then it comes down to who is going to leave. To me, I think I have as much right to be there as anyone else, but I don’t want anyone to feel like I am invading. That’s why I am very careful about what I say and do. In these situations, deportment is also important and the women do notice.

      All I have to say is dress nicely, be the best Bianca you can be and be present mentally. After that, whatever happens, happens. You can’t make people like you, but you can sure make them dislike you…

    • #397941
      Bettylou Cox
      Participant
      Registered On: May 26, 2019
      Topics: 17
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      Hi Bianca,

      I see two questions here; to answer the topic question first, I say Yes, you are transgender.  You feel like, dress like, and wish to be seen as a girl.  HRT and surgery are secondary things, and not essential to how you perceive yourself.  The term commonly used here on CDH is “socially trans”, which also describes me.

      The term “feminist” is generally applied to those men and women who actively advocate for “equal”, if not preferential  social and political rights for genetic women, though it may also include transsexuals.  You do not appear to fall into this category, and I suspect you would not be welcomed as a transgender girl.

      Hugs,

      Bettylou

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397901
      Alice Underwire
      Participant
      Registered On: September 16, 2019
      Topics: 17
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      Has thanked: 695 times
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      Hi Bianca,

      My two cents here so it might not be worth much.  Why not contact the focal contact person of the book club and explain you’re interested in the group and present enfemme but are not a GG.  If the group has issues with you attending a meeting or joining you’ll get that from your call or an email.

      Alice

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    • #397887
      Kay Anderson
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2020
      Topics: 17
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      I would second what Samantha said. Some feminists are not fans of transgender people.

      When I saw the question “Am I transgener?” I thought you were asking us if we considered ourselves transgender or is the question that we consider you (Bianca) transgender? Because I voted yes for myself.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397819
      ANDREA RAVEN
      Participant
      Registered On: December 21, 2017
      Topics: 6
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      Hi Bianca

      My take on this is that you, like most of us, are somewhere on the transgender spectrum……. The problem is different labels mean different things to different people, so you can just as easily describe yourself as crossdresser, transvestite, gender fluid, bi gender. What you have to think about is how the people you are describing yourself to will translate your description, and therein lies the problem, no mater what word you use it is open to misconception by people who know little about us. So, my thinking , here in the UK at the moment, Trans seems to be reasonably well accepted, and as I say you are somewhere on the trans spectrum, that is the term I would use as an overall term that most people will understand and accept. I would send them a message explaining you are trans and want to join, and see what response you get, they may ask, What does that mean? they may just say yes you can join, or they may turn you down, you’ll never know unless you ask………….

      You say in your reply to Bobbie:

      If I present showing off the Bianca in me, thinking feeling acting dressing the way that makes me happiest , am I being deceitful?

      Or is being the man I’m SUPPOSED to be, dressing in drab, being a male role model, stand up dad etc being deceitful, not the true me?

      Both sides of you are the real you, one will not exist without the other, because that is what makes you, well you. It’s difficult coming to terms with your whole self but it’s worth it in the end. You are not being deceitful in either scenario, you are still you, you just present differently.  I have to live a lot of my time, well most of it at the moment, in drab because that’s just how life is, but when I get out in Andrea mode I just enjoy my life more irrespective of what I am doing. I am not deceiving anybody, at close quarters, most will know exactly what I am anyway…………….

    • #397815
      Bobbi Sue
      Participant
      Registered On: September 15, 2020
      Topics: 12
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      I vote not telling them you’re transgender, because you’re not.  The truth is always good.   And being feminists, they shouldn’t have an issue with a man attending, be it in drab or fab.   If they do, they’ll probably have issues with transgender girls as well.

      Thanks Bobbi Sue for your input.

      I agree the truth is always better. I would have no qualms about saying to these ladies genetically I am a male, but inside I just sometimes feel overwhelmingly feminine. The truth is what I am trying to get at.

      If I present showing off the Bianca in me, thinking feeling acting dressing the way that makes me happiest , am I being deceitful?

      Or is being the man I’m SUPPOSED to be, dressing in drab, being a male role model, stand up dad etc being deceitful, not the true me?

      ❤️B

       

       

       

      I think telling them you feel feminine is perfect.   And there’s nothing  deceitful about presenting either way.   They’re both you.  If you want to attend dressed, I say go for it!  It’s not like you have to see them again if it goes awry.

      The worst that can happen isn’t that they won’t like you.   It’s that you wont like them!

    • #397802
      Peggy Sue Williams
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2019
      Topics: 10
      Replies: 214
      Has thanked: 802 times
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      Bianca,

      IMHO, in addition to the peer-to-peer support found here on CDH, may I suggest you may also want to seek professional counseling from a therapist thoroughly experienced in transgendered and CD issues?  Just saying.

       

      Peggy Sue

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397801
      Sa•man•tha
      Founder
      Registered On: January 21, 2018
      Topics: 304
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      Oh Bianca… hey hon, no way I can answer this, from what I’ve seen of you here I dont feel you’d be out of line to claim transgender for yourself, lotta flavors of trans ya know, it’s really up to you, how you feel inside, that’s my take on it, if you wanna pm with me sometime we can talk about this stuff more indepth…

      Now, the rest of it, lol… I generally have a good wavelength & rapport with women I think, but me I’m usually running the other direction from anything calling itself  “feminist” lol ok maybe that’s a bit extreme,, “third wave” feminism is pretty ok I think but some brands of feminism are rabidly anti-man and anti-trans as well, so I’d kinda have to sniff out the vibe & see how they made me feel when we talked, they might be ok with either vers of Bianca!

      Lol good luck hon ❤ Hi Bianca!!

    • #397791
      Bianca Everdene
      Participant
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 567
      Has thanked: 2003 times
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      I vote not telling them you’re transgender, because you’re not.  The truth is always good.   And being feminists, they shouldn’t have an issue with a man attending, be it in drab or fab.   If they do, they’ll probably have issues with transgender girls as well.

      Thanks Bobbi Sue for your input.

      I agree the truth is always better. I would have no qualms about saying to these ladies genetically I am a male, but inside I just sometimes feel overwhelmingly feminine. The truth is what I am trying to get at.

      If I present showing off the Bianca in me, thinking feeling acting dressing the way that makes me happiest , am I being deceitful?

      Or is being the man I’m SUPPOSED to be, dressing in drab, being a male role model, stand up dad etc being deceitful, not the true me?

      ❤️B

       

       

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #397790
      Bobbi Sue
      Participant
      Registered On: September 15, 2020
      Topics: 12
      Replies: 90
      Has thanked: 120 times
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      I vote not telling them you’re transgender, because you’re not.  The truth is always good.   And being feminists, they shouldn’t have an issue with a man attending, be it in drab or fab.   If they do, they’ll probably have issues with transgender girls as well.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
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