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Hi all you wonderful people.
Need some help!
Saw a post from a new member about being labelled. I’ve been here for a few years now, and hope some of you know me from my posts, replies, PMs etc.
For those of you who don’t know me I am probably representative of many here, middle aged heterosexual not wanting to physically transition. I do not consider myself transsexual. I do not live full time in Bianca mode mainly as I am scared my kids will be subject to bullying at school, kids can be so cruel.
However inside the femimine traits in my personality feel like the real me. Inside I feel like a woman, and the more I let this part of me out ( including dressing) the happier I become, the more naturally ‘me’ I become.
I know many of you have much more experience and expertise than I in this area. I want to draw on that vast bank of research, knowledge, experiences.
So why do ask? Interesting thing happened. I was looking for some local clubs online to help get some social interaction during these strange times and came across a ‘FEMINIST BOOKLOVERS CLUB’. I would love to explore this and maybe ask to join. Just feel inside I would be on the same wavelength and love it. Would they be more likely to accept me into their club if I presented myself as Transgender, rather than a heterosexual male?
If anybody wants to question me further to come to a conclusion ask away.
Help!
❤️B
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Thanks Bobbi Sue for your input.I agree the truth is always better. I would have no qualms about saying to these ladies genetically I am a male, but inside I just sometimes feel overwhelmingly feminine. The truth is what I am trying to get at.
If I present showing off the Bianca in me, thinking feeling acting dressing the way that makes me happiest , am I being deceitful?
Or is being the man I’m SUPPOSED to be, dressing in drab, being a male role model, stand up dad etc being deceitful, not the true me?
❤️B
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I think telling them you feel feminine is perfect. And there’s nothing deceitful about presenting either way. They’re both you. If you want to attend dressed, I say go for it! It’s not like you have to see them again if it goes awry.The worst that can happen isn’t that they won’t like you. It’s that you wont like them!
Hi Bianca
My take on this is that you, like most of us, are somewhere on the transgender spectrum……. The problem is different labels mean different things to different people, so you can just as easily describe yourself as crossdresser, transvestite, gender fluid, bi gender. What you have to think about is how the people you are describing yourself to will translate your description, and therein lies the problem, no mater what word you use it is open to misconception by people who know little about us. So, my thinking , here in the UK at the moment, Trans seems to be reasonably well accepted, and as I say you are somewhere on the trans spectrum, that is the term I would use as an overall term that most people will understand and accept. I would send them a message explaining you are trans and want to join, and see what response you get, they may ask, What does that mean? they may just say yes you can join, or they may turn you down, you’ll never know unless you ask………….
You say in your reply to Bobbie:
If I present showing off the Bianca in me, thinking feeling acting dressing the way that makes me happiest , am I being deceitful?
Or is being the man I’m SUPPOSED to be, dressing in drab, being a male role model, stand up dad etc being deceitful, not the true me?
Both sides of you are the real you, one will not exist without the other, because that is what makes you, well you. It’s difficult coming to terms with your whole self but it’s worth it in the end. You are not being deceitful in either scenario, you are still you, you just present differently. I have to live a lot of my time, well most of it at the moment, in drab because that’s just how life is, but when I get out in Andrea mode I just enjoy my life more irrespective of what I am doing. I am not deceiving anybody, at close quarters, most will know exactly what I am anyway…………….
I would second what Samantha said. Some feminists are not fans of transgender people.
When I saw the question “Am I transgener?” I thought you were asking us if we considered ourselves transgender or is the question that we consider you (Bianca) transgender? Because I voted yes for myself.
Hi Bianca,
My two cents here so it might not be worth much. Why not contact the focal contact person of the book club and explain you’re interested in the group and present enfemme but are not a GG. If the group has issues with you attending a meeting or joining you’ll get that from your call or an email.
Alice
Hi Bianca,
I see two questions here; to answer the topic question first, I say Yes, you are transgender. You feel like, dress like, and wish to be seen as a girl. HRT and surgery are secondary things, and not essential to how you perceive yourself. The term commonly used here on CDH is “socially trans”, which also describes me.
The term “feminist” is generally applied to those men and women who actively advocate for “equal”, if not preferential social and political rights for genetic women, though it may also include transsexuals. You do not appear to fall into this category, and I suspect you would not be welcomed as a transgender girl.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Before I get to my reply, there are 2 things:
- While the term transvestite is falling into increasing disfavor in the US, it is still a viable term in the UK.
- Transgendered is not a correct term. The implication is that something happened to make us become transgender, but it doesn’t work like that. We are or we are not; we don’t become, we realize.
I identify as transgender and non-binary. What I finally realized is that I am this combination of female and male thoughts, energies and perspectives. Fortunately I don’t have dysphoria so I have no plans to medically transition. However, my social transition is essentially complete. These days it is rare for me to leave my house and not be dressed. I retired almost 5 years ago and relocated to the SoCal desert. In that time I’ve probably met somewhere upwards of 300 people and I suspect fewer than 10% have ever met Don. I’ve been in publications as DeeAnn and have given speeches as DeeAnn and that’s how the vast majority of people know me.
Now, I will not say that I pass; perhaps outside of 10ft but not closer. On the other hand, I am quite presentable and always as a nicely dressed older woman: shorts, skirts or skorts (occasionally a dress), bra and forms, makeup, jewelry, heels around 3” and a hat. I may be old, but I ain’t dead yet!
About a year and a half ago someone suggested that I check out a Women’s Chat Group. It is a group of mostly retired lesbians. I did a bit of research and decided to go. I’ve never presented myself as anything other than DeeAnn and if anyone has a problem with me, it has never come to light. I am still attending, via ZOOM calls these days, once a week. It is a fascinating group as our backgrounds are so dissimilar. Retired teachers, former police officer, therapists, a chiropractor, a real estate person, a few who used to be involved in social services and our facilitator was an IT person for many years. Right at the beginning of the year, our facilitator was ill and had to stay home. I was surprised when the assistant director of the LGBT Center asked me to fill in. The women were very pleased that I had accepted.
A month or 2 after starting with the Chat Group, the 2 women who organize a group called the Women’s Circle invited me to a meeting. It is a group of lesbian small business owners, but they also like to have the input of people who have had corporate careers. I attended several meetings and will continue when they start up again. No problems there either.
A month or 2 after that I was invited to a meeting of a group called OLOC: Old Lesbians Organizing for Change. As it suggests they are a support and advocacy organization. No problems their either.
While I am always nicely turned out, you would have to be extremely nearsighted to think that I was Assigned Female At Birth. However, I do try purposefully to not dominate a conversation and don’t talk about things where my knowledge is very limited (childbirth, menopause, etc.). I try very hard to respect the people that I am with and their experiences. So far I have not had any issues.
Part of my reasoning is also you never know exactly what pushes someone’s buttons. I don’t want them to talk about the difficulties that they have had with men (a number of these women were married to men at some point) and then look at me funny.
So, all of this was intended to explain where I’m coming from. In all these interactions I want them to see and recognize DeeAnn. She is a large part of who I am. It never crossed my mind to go as Don. I respect them as women and I want them to respect me as a transgender woman. If someone was not OK with that, then it comes down to who is going to leave. To me, I think I have as much right to be there as anyone else, but I don’t want anyone to feel like I am invading. That’s why I am very careful about what I say and do. In these situations, deportment is also important and the women do notice.
All I have to say is dress nicely, be the best Bianca you can be and be present mentally. After that, whatever happens, happens. You can’t make people like you, but you can sure make them dislike you…
Thanks DeeAnn for your message.
What you have is what, maybe to a lesser extent, I aspire to.
To join and be accepted by a group of women in what is a traditionally womens issue, and also help me explore femininity to help me grow inside. I do believe feminism is a valid cause to support.
Many say that seeking validation in this life is a shallow pursuit, but I feel that being accepted by a group of females, especially in such a female dominated domaine ( as you were) would give validation to the Bianca in me. And that would make me so happy.
I also think it would be interesting and enjoyable.
❤️B
I guess we’re all on the spectrum somewhere , does it have to be specific ??
I’ve settled that I’m gender fluid , predominantly feminine & each day I share my body .
I display my feminine side daily …in either mode 🌹🌹
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To tell you the truth, I didn’t plan any of that. I was board member of our local trans organization and I resigned after a serious falling out with the executive director. I guess a couple of women friends thought that I needed something to fill some of my time, so that’s how it started and one thing led to another.
Something I learned a long time ago is that frequently Life or The Universe or God (depending upon your beliefs) puts you in a particular situation at a particular time. But the thing is, the series of events that follow can only stem from being in that situation at that time and place. We can choose to walk through the door or not, but an opportunity has been presented.
Many of the women that I have met are really interesting people. In a way it was an extension of my former professional life where over the years I worked with people from 17 different countries. I enjoyed that because it presented a great chance to learn what others are like and their cultures and traditions. It truly enriched my life. It also made the point that we are more alike that we different. The same applies to the women I’ve met. Some have overcome great obstacles. Others have progressed in spite of very difficult beginnings. Others still started from a good place and continued to build on that. It’s been a great learning experience. When we were meeting in person, the Women’s Circle meetings were always a breakfast. For the other 2 we often went out to eat afterwards. I always felt that my company was appreciated and that was a very good feeling. To show you how things go, I was leaving the Chat Group on day and I was talking to one of the women on the way out. She is a retired high school phys ed reached from New York City who can be wickedly funny. Just as we were about to part, I asked if she would like to go to lunch with me. She said yes, so we went a few blocks up the street to a quiet, fairly small restaurant. We got there about 12:30 and we had a grand time. Great conversation, a very nice lunch and lots of back and forth. When we finally decided to leave, it was a few minutes after 4pm. The time just flew. What I would guess is that sorting out my gender identity allowed this more open and more gregarious part of me to surface and be the person I should be.
I’ll admit that I have no idea why, but to my way of thinking, it was no accident that I am here in this place at this point in time…
Ah yes, a falling out with the boss lady in a local CD/Trans group. All so familiar, over the years, and IMHO, probably part of our growing process.
My wife and I were on the administrative board of the local CD group. In recent years, the character of the group seriously changed, as did the “leadership.” We both resigned and moved on. We outgrew the group, particularly when it ceased to function any longer as a support group.
My goals? Pretty well have remained constant. Have fun being a girl and offer support to other girls.
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For me, after defending the person for some time, she finally turned on me and revealed her true colors. When I joined the board in January of 2017, there were 2 At Large members, a Secretary and I served the Treasurer function. When I resigned at the end of March 2019, those 2 At Large members resigned and 2 others joined and resigned, The Secretary resigned and was replaced sequentially by 3 others and they all subsequently resigned. Over that 2 years and 3 months I was the ONLY constant, yet she called me Disloyal. There were several other issues, but this one was the most quickly explained. Also, this person who was by now in her mid-40’s did not understand how the corporate environment worked as that represented no more than 2 years of her work life. By the time that I joined the organization I had retired from a 43 year career as a mechanical engineer, had worked outside of the US for 6 years, held 2 patents, held a professional engineer’s license for 30+ years and had presented a paper before an international conference. My speculation is that there was considerable jealousy involved. Anyway, it was aggravation that I just didn’t need. I decided that I was too old to put up with that BS and resigned…
Seems odd… but after coming out to a lesbian couple I was on great terms with I was unceremoniously dumped… never to be spoken to again! Meeting on of them in a market the fear/trepidation in her eyes was completely baffling!
Why do they behave so… I thought we were all in the same boat so to speak?
So sorry to hear of your rejection by this couple Polly. That must have really hurt you. We are all in the same boat, just some people can’t see it. You would think your lesbian friends would understand the importance of acceptance as you as a person regardless of how you want to live your life. As long as we are doing others no harm we should all live and let live.
❤️Bianca
Am I transgender… I think not. I have a distinctly male body and musculature as well as male pattern baldness. Do I think like a female… I honestly don’t know how a female thinks apart from all the jokes about it.
However, I have, for many years, yearned to be a woman for a day, week, month, year… forever! When at last I was able to pull on a woman’s knickers… it was a moment of bliss I can’t ever imagine having again. So, I’m not transgender but I detest the time away from my boobs and lipstick. I’m saddened when I have to change back to ‘drab’. I wear my boobs in a bra to sleep in (I dream of future augmentation).
No being transgender for me… at least for the time being though I do wish I had started this journey ten years ago
xx Polly
I voted yes, I am, with more than much more than 50% confidence but significantly less than 100%. If things had been different in an increasingly distant past, I would have at the least scheduled appointments with a gender friendly therapist and begun to share my desires (there since at least 4 or 5, and only growing over time) as well as explore my options.
But this all assumes that something close to what’s available today would also have been reasonably available in the 60’s…in reality it wasn’t, and while some transgendered people might have had the access, wherewithal and desire to keep searching and eventually finding the resources necessary, too many of us didn’t or couldn’t. So I looked at what options were available and made choices, from then until such a time when while the feelings and desires have never changed, what I believe the person I should be for the present and future have.
So I dress when I can, put down my feelings in writings, and dream. Regrets? Like Frank, a few, but not enough as time goes on to let, for me anyway, depression set in, which I believe it so easily could do.
When I was in high school, I dreamed about undergoing the surgery, living life as a woman. I fantasized of being in a scenario like the movie “The World, the Flesh, and the Devil,” wake up to find humanity gone but the buildings and everything else intact, living in department stores to dress like a woman, eating canned goods, etc., from supermarkets. Of course the loneliness would be crushing but let’s sweep that aside for the sake of the fantasy lol.
As time went on that became a more infrequent fantasy, preferring to imagine being a cisgender woman, having a husband and living a daily life in dresses, makeup, getting my hair done, no big deal at all. Oh to be born a female!It was all around this time that I started to look at guys sexually as well as women. That became my main fantasy, at least of those that strayed from the crossdressing and heterosexual ones. But it was as an adult I realized that I wanted to be in Leah the woman that I was attracted to. How jungian!
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Polly, I’m sorry to hear about your falling out with the lesbian couple. Acceptance/rejection within the LGBTQ+ community is exactly why I have been trying to find myself, and where, if anywhere, I fit in. That is odd that they would appear fearful of seeing you in the market. I mean, from my perspective, what difference does it make if we like to express our feminine side? We’re still the same person.Birel
Hello Bianca. I see you have tons of responses. It all depends on how you feel about yourself. If you are happier with feminine feelings go for it. I joined a mixed social group of men and women. I told the organizer I was transgender and would I be accepted. She responded by saying whatever you are most comfortable with is fine. At the time I chickened out and went in drab. Since then I threw caution to the wind and am feminine 90% of my time. So dear whatever YOU are most comfortable with.
Hi Janice
So happy for you, just being able to be yourself in mixed company. I have heard a lot of stories on this site about getting over that mental barrier and just going for it. And the stories of acceptance are so heartwarming. It is such a brave thing to do, to go against a lifetime of learned ‘masculinity’ being who we are supposed to be, and just being who we want to be. Realising we are doing nobody any harm.
Many also say don’t worry about labelling yourself which I agree with but… think sometimes coming into a new situation with strangers it may be helpful use a term to try to help others understand who you are rather than having to explain yourself. If I just went into new company dressed en femme people may feel uncomfortable, confused, not sure how to approach or address me. Whereas if I said I consider myself transgender it may help explain how I present myself and why I feel more comfortable dressing the way I dress.
I am so happy, almost overwhelmed with the number of votes and responses. It merely confirms the conflict in my head as to whether I should present myself as transgender is well founded. Almost 50/50 yes/no merely confirms my thoughts that the term transgender is so open to debate.
I did use the term to present my self to the group I was talking about, and received a warm welcome. It is only online via zoom. I was worried if I just appeared as Bianca then started talking in a mans voice the women would think, this is a man trying to get into our club by subterfuge, trying to deceive us. Instead, by explaining myself in advance and using the term transgender they were happy I was being totally upfront and honest from the start. It is a really interesting group of intelligent women. I learned so much, getting a glimpse of what life can be like from the other side of the gender divide.
I think it also gives me confidence to do it again. And the wonderful debates that happen on this site have helped me immensely in being able to learn, understand, debate with confidence different aspects of the term transgender in all its wonderful complexities.
❤️Bianca
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