Am I wrong?

[Danielle Anaya]

I am very lucky to have found a man who is patient with my crazy, loves me, respects me, and accepts me for who I am. It took years to get there. We’ve been together for some time now and in every way he treats me as a valued part of his life and as his girl. He is somewhat possessive of me and if he sees a guy coming on to me, he intervenes quickly to send the message I am taken. If anyone disrespects me he usually shuts it down immediately.
So, recently we attended a social function thrown by his company co-workers and management. This was my first and I was a little hesitant to attend but I could see it was important to him that I go. I made a decision to look nice but not stand out. I went conservatively dressed in a pretty dress, nothing too sexy, with the usual accessories and heels. He was enamored with me (he likes it when I dress to impress) and we arrived a little late so the event was in full swing.
He began introducing me to some of his co-workers I didn’t know and his immediate supervisor, who I will call Karen (not her real name). Karen was in her mid fifties and reasonably attractive. According to my boyfriend, she is also a lesbian and very aggressive with some of the girls that work there. OK, no problem I am in no position to judge and I assumed everyone would maintain a professional demeanor.
Now I figured Karen would figure me out pretty quick and was a little nervous when she started focusing her attention on me. My anxiety level went straight up because of prior experience with lesbians who didn’t appreciate people like me much. Only a few people we socialized with know my secret and none of them work with my boyfriend.
As we chatted, Karen started complimenting me on how pretty I was and that Sonny was a lucky man. As we talked, she kept moving into my personal space and touching my arm. I was starting to feel real awkward and looked over to my boyfriend, who was not paying attention to me and talking to a group of men.
As she kept complimenting me on how pretty I was and how much she liked my perfume, shoes and especially my dress, she kept starting at my cleavage, well enhanced my breast forms. Much to my surprise, she started complimenting me on my body, and how sexy I looked in my dress. This triggered alarm bells and I looked over to my boyfriend and finally caught his eye. I guess he could see panic on my face and he made his way over to us. I knew my instincts were right when Karen pulled away quickly. He was able to playfully tell her he was missing my company and was taking me away. I could see Karen had a disappointed and had a somewhat malicious look on her face as we walked away.
Of course, I immediately told him what had occurred and he laughed it off as if he saved me in the nick of time. He told me not to make a big deal out of it as Karen gets that way with all the girls. He reminded me Karen had a lot of influence on his career and he knew she was barking up the wrong tree anyway. Now, I am sure if Karen had been a man, his reaction would have been different. I think. Needless to say this ended my interest in the evening and couldn’t wait to leave. I guess I had on my b%#ch face the rest of the night.
On our way home I was pissed I was put into that situation. He got angry with me for being so sensitive about it. He got more pissed when I turned down his advances for intimacy. It was a first for that too. If I had been alone I would have straightened Karen out right then, but I hesitated because I didn’t want to cause him trouble at work. In my male life and a man came onto me, I know I would have handled it differently. I may have had some fun shutting that man down if I wasn’t interested.
I have not experienced sceenario from the perspective of a woman. Am I wrong to be so annoyed that my boyfriend didn’t recognize how I felt? It is the first time he has ever minimalized my feelings. Or have I become too sensitive living as Danielle? I am open to any constructive criticism because I don’t want to be unreasonable.

12 users thanked author for this post.

Joeleen Noel, Kathleen, Paula Here, Paula, Liara Wolfe, Michelle Brown, Bianca Everdene, Emily Alt, Angela Booth, Rozalyn Richards, Gwyneth

Topic

[Eileen Bach]

Dear Danielle,

You are not wrong, except to not fully explain to BF in little words how emotionally distressed you were.

Regardless of gender or orientation, your BF works for a sexual predator. Karen gets her kicks by intimidating other women in her department and men through their wives or GF. She knows she can get away with this because a female predator is not taken as serious an offense as were a man.

The male fantasy of having a sexually aggressive female boss taints the legal system.

Would your BF come to your rescue quicker if Karen was a Ken? He’d rather put up with your distress and the many other women in order to keep his career on track.

3 users thanked author for this post.

June Holl, Wanda Ovahear, Danielle Anaya

[Danielle Anaya]

I agree.  The only reason I hesitated to respond was because of the work aspect and I didn’t want to make a scene.  I think he would have reacted differently if his boss had been a man, but I am not 100% sure.  Anyway, that will be the last work event I attend with him unless it is in a more open venue and I will not leave his side.

1 user thanked author for this post.

Eileen Bach

[Bianca Everdene]

Hi Danielle

What a difficult situation.
Your feelings are 100% valid and understandable. It must have been really uncomfortable for you, regardless of whether it was a man or woman. Unwanted advances in a social situation are usually easy to subtly refuse. But I guess the fact it was your man’s supervisor (and maybe because it is a female) makes it harder for him to make a big deal out of it.
You may be aware sometimes men are also perhaps not the most empathetic of creatures.
Hopefully you can sit down and chat about it. Let him know the  feeling of being ‘objectified’ and hit on can be frightening, especially if they do not take the hints that you are not interested.

I wish you both a long and happy future together.

B x

2 users thanked author for this post.

June Holl, Danielle Anaya

[Emily Alt]

I’m late to the discussion so I’ll apologize in advance.

Tough love here Danielle.

Stating the obvious….

This entire situation could have been avoided by shutting down this Karen right away.  That could have been done with a firm response or by simply walking away.

I’m looking at the bigger picture here.  We all need to wear our big girl panties when we’re out in public.  Whether we’re alone, with a group, or out with a love interest, the only person we can count on is ourselves.  If we’re getting unwanted attention/advances, it’s on us to shut it down or remove ourselves from the situation.  Our dame/knight in shining armor might have had a few too many, or maybe they’re off somewhere.

We all have to remember predators can appear even in relatively safe spaces.  If you’re not prepared to show a little backbone, maybe you need to rethink your plans.

No disrespect.  Just a friendly reminder of the times we live in.

/EA

3 users thanked author for this post.

Nikki Just Nikki, melissa la quinta

[J J]

Thank you, that was nicely said.

I believe it applies to us all, generally speaking.

[Danielle Anaya]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I see now I could have handled it better. And, I am guilty for withholding myself from him because I was angry. Truthfully though, I just can’t give things my full attention in that arena if I am angry. Can’t help that. I have much to consider.

[Kristen Smithly]

Hi,
I agree with what JJ wrote, but take heed with Gwyneth’s last post. Never use intimacy as a weapon, in any relationship. You were angry, whether you were right or not doesn’t matter. You should have relayed to him why you didn’t want intimacy that night. Let him know, but don’t just say “no”. You had your reasons and he should respect that, but he needs to know what they are/were.Communicate, it solves a lot of problems.

1 user thanked author for this post.

Gwyneth

[J J]

Maybe not wrong, but a bit confused. I get the impression you get a bit annoyed by how protective he can be, and a bit possessive, but when he is not, like at the party you get annoyed.

Karen is a classic predator who happens to be a woman. Her sexual orientation is immaterial. She should, but won’t be, reported to HR as her behaviour is totally inappropriate. You are a big girl, and don’t need saving. You should have shut down Karen yourself and/or walked away. Could your boyfriend have acted better? sure, but so could you.

My biggest issue with the whole situation is that Karen does this to all the women, and your boyfriend does nothing about this in a professional manner. How many women has she hurt professionally and personally?

4 users thanked author for this post.

April Sinclair, Kristen Smithly, Lisa Leigh, Gwyneth

[Rozalyn Richards]

Hi Danielle no you are not wrong you have every right to feel the way you felt, you should not have been put into that situation with anyone wether it was a woman or a man, you were there with your partner and he should have been more attentive, he knew what his boss was like and he should have stood up for you just because she is a boss she has no right to treat people the way she does, that’s sexual harassment and it’s against the law X

Hugs Rozalyn X

2 users thanked author for this post.

Lisa Leigh, Gwyneth

[Gwyneth]

Maybe now he has the “harassment” card should he need it!

1 user thanked author for this post.

Rozalyn Richards

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Perhaps a little time and distance from the situation will take some of the tension out and what happened can be discussed more clearly.

[Jane Don]

In the Real world -we all need to Put up with some Sh it –It kind of disturbs me that you think his jealousy is a good thing—this could end up very Bad for you-

1 user thanked author for this post.

Kristen Smithly

[Gwyneth]

Jealousy that would come back at Jessica (as if its her fault) is bad. Jealousy that’s directed at others who are acting badly is entirely different. It shows love for the one being protected.

Just my $.02.

[Gwyneth]

Danielle,

You are not wrong. At least totally. But if you knew before the party that she was a lesbian and that she was likely to get frisky with you, you should have clung to him tightly. As it is, you are pretty enough to have her flirt with you. Quite an accomplishment. I would agree that he is a lucky man, but you said that you are lucky as well. It’s always a good idea to apologize if you’ve ever upset anyone, much less someone you love. I hope you already have. Because what you have in him will be almost impossible to replicate. Don’t wait for him to be the first.

I would caution you to never withhold intimacy even in cases like this. Never use it as a weapon. Sure it won’t be “awesome”, but guys don’t react well to being turned away. You may have lost a part of him you will never get back. Ask me how I know!

1 user thanked author for this post.

Kristen Smithly

[Author]

Replies