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_________ if you ever come across this before we have talked about this, I’m sorry but I have to express this and I have wanted to talk to you about this since just after deployment when I first heard about the DOD allowing transgender people in the military. The best way to start this is by bringing up what started as one of the most terrifying moments of my life, followed by a brief glimmer of hope, followed by complete and utter disappointment, then I’ll get into a little history.
First and foremost I need to state a few things. First whenever this topic comes up in conversation not related to me I act slightly ignorant of the topic, but in reality I am VERY informed and knowledgeable about it. Well here we go…
I am not transgender, I don’t know where I fit in, but what I can say is I do not feel that i was born the wrong gender, and I don’t think I’m just a crossdresser, because I don’t feel like a man dressed in women’s clothes. I don’t know how to define how I feel with a label but the closest thing is bi-gender, because I am completely comfortable being a male and would never trade it for anything because that part of me gave me the love of my life and my amazing children, but dressed as a woman I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it also feels “right”.
Now to the story…
Receiving a call from you at work after you were in the attic and found a box with heels, wig…etc I was completely terrified and embarrassed, I was so careful previous times about wrapping it back up and placing it under a board between joists, but was careless thinking you would never go up there anyway. Driving home I was terrified, what was I going to say, what possible lie could I tell, but like I’ve learned in life the truth was the only way, and terrified of you would leave me I decided the only thing to do was tell the truth. You were obviously shocked and hurt, and at the time I assumed it was because you felt like our whole life was a lie, but then you seemed like you might have a slight bit of acceptance when you realized that I was not cheating on you just dressing in women’s clothing. So I thought maybe most of the anger and hurt was because you found out and I didn’t ever tell you, except in a joking manner dropping hints to test the water. Any time in the past joking about it you said things like you would be accepting, but (just like now) I didn’t have the courage to tell you. So at that moment I saw a glimmer of hope and i suggested it being OK dressing around you and maybe going out sometime together, but you just shut down so I assumed I just went too far so I both figuratively and literally put it on a shelf for a while, knowing I was not done trying to get you to understand my struggle. But then one day a few weeks later you told me that every time you saw the box it made you feel sick and betrayed and at that point all hope had been shattered.
Now onto history.
Just like you hear most transgender people’s stories of childhood it started young, I can’t say how young but it was when I lived on _______ road in __ so I was younger than 8. My sister _______ used to “trick” me to dress up in girl clothes from our dress up box, I loved it, it felt liberating but when she would try to take a picture I didn’t want anyone to know so I would hide and take them off because society said that was wrong. Over the years I would love Halloween time because I could put on the female costumes when noone was around. Then in forth grade because my 9th grader neighbor ______ was being a girl for Halloween I said I wanted to be one too. I did start the night with my parents and siblings until I saw some kids from my class down the road coming towards us and I freaked out and got my dad to take me home and change costumes. Then over the years I would swipe some of my sister’s clothing and also some of my friend’s sister’s things. My most treasured thing was a pair of her thigh high stockings and thong. I started putting them on in bed under my underwear and sheets almost every night until my sister _______ caught me a couple times and I threw them away. That’s also when she started the rumor that I was gay. I asked myself the question all the time “am I gay because I want to be dressed as a girl? And how can I be gay when I am not attracted to men at all and like girls and all things feminine?”. Needless to say just like I think every high school kid does I struggled to understand where I fit in. Then I joined the military. It was such a bad thing to be gay in the military back then and noone ever even thought to bring up transgender then, (it’s shocking how much the culture has changed in the last decade and a half). When I didn’t have a roommate in the barracks I would dress in women’s things that I had acquired from a couple girlfriends I had and at some point I decided I had to know if maybe I was gay. Ihooked up with guy and it was awkward and I didn’t enjoy myself at all, so that answered part of the question. I then tried again, this time dressed up as a woman, and again awkward and not enjoyable, but it did feel good to let someone else see me as a girl. So from then on I KNEW I wasn’t gay, but I also Knew I wanted to dress as a woman. I had a couple other girl friends and continued to dress some in private before we started dating. I knew I loved you and wanted to spend my life with you and didn’t want to risk jeopardizing that so for a while I didn’t dress at all anymore, but I thought about it often and I felt like there was something missing so eventually I started to occasionally put on some of your things when you were sleeping or not home, or put on makeup just to take it off immediately, and there were some times when it was a rush to take things off because you were pulling in the drive way…etc. I tried to bring it up many times like a what if scenario whenever you were watching a medical program about GRS to see how you would react, there were the times when I would put on your underwear in front of you and then we would joke about what if I wore it to work, (and I did many times BTW, even before we got together). There were also the times when you worked at Payless and we’re closing and I would put on the women’s shoes and bother you while you were working. Honestly I don’t know how you never out right asked me about it and I tried to bait you to ask because I knew I couldn’t tell you. And then came the time you went back home without me while pregnant with _________. I saw the opportunity that I had never had before. To be able to dress up with no risk of someone walking in. So I ordered shoes, wig, nails…etc so it would come in right after you left town and I even had a 4 day weekend so I knew I would have at least a full day or two to make sure there were no residual effects before work, and that’s exactly what I did. I completely dressed up from wig to heels and makeup to nails (something I had never done before), and it felt great, I just hung out watched TV, cooked, read, slept…etc while dressed up for 2 days. I learned a couple things then, first they call it “lip stain” for a reason… thought that was never coming completely off, and second I knew I wanted to do that as often as possible. So I started watching YouTube videos for makeup tips and more importantly on how to take off makeup easier, and faster. I probably fully dressed up 4 or 5 times after that until you found the box. After all that happened I didn’t try to get new things because I didn’t want to hurt you again. I still put things on and then normally took them immediately off. Then after deployment when you decided not to come back home until after the school year I was hurt but saw an opportunity, so when i had to look for a roommate I decided he would have to be someone OK with me being around the house dressed as a woman, so I posted and started looking for a roommate on gay housing sites. So yes, my roommate was gay. Which is why I didn’t want you to talk to him, for fear you would think I was cheating on you with him…yuck BTW even if I were gay I wouldn’t go for him. So for a while, unless I had duty I was dressing up at least one night every weekend. I would hang out around the house dressed up and joined a few online communities for crossdressers, transgenders, and everything in between. I started chatting with people and learning their stories and tips and tricks, and sharing a couple of my own. I was asked once while dressed what my name was and without thinking I answered “Sarah”, and now I know that one part of me is______ and the other is Sarah. I then started trying to “get out”. First I got a hotel room out of the area a couple times and drove around. I even went through a couple drive throughs just to let other people see me and to my shock I was treated politely even though frankly I’m not fooling anyone. I even got up the nerve to order pizza while dressed up at home once from Papa John’s. The delivery girl was very nice. I saw the initial double take glance but she was nice and I tipped well as usual. Afterwards that became my go to place for ordering out as Sarah, (BTW no ordering delivery from Papa John’s unless you don’t care about that now). I decided I wanted to meet other people like me. First I went over to a get together of other girls from a _______ group at someones house. Then I decided I am going to go OUT out as Sarah, and the opportunity arose to go out with some girls from a ______ area group to a place called __________ Bar and Restaurant. So I got a cheap hotel not far away, right off the highway and got dressed up and left. This was also the first time I got a very negative reaction. It was a dirty look and sigh of shock by some guy and woman smoking outside the back door of the hotel, but at that point I had already moved past caring what some stranger I’ll never see again thinks. So I drove into the city and to the bar, and when I arrived out front, there went my courage. It is a busy area of down town _______ with two gay friendly bars and allot of other normal businesses around and no parking near the bar. I found the parking lot which would require me to walk past 3 busy restraunts before getting to the bar. I freaked out a bit, parked in such a way that I wouldn’t be seen, got out, went over to parking pay machine where three women walked by 1 with a confused look, 1 with a shocked look and 1 with a smile, which I returned. I then sat in the car and debated leaving. I texted a friend from the group named ______ and told her I didn’t think I could go in, and instead she came out to me and walked me in. It was one of most terrifying thing in my life, which I thought was crazy because I was never that scared while in an Iraqi war zone. It turned out to be great. I got to meet allot of great girls like me and also some great staff and other random people including a group of _____ college girls there for their gay friend’s birthday party. I also experienced first hand how pushy men can be to women. When I went to leave a guy (slightly drunk) left right after me and when I was almost to the parking lot he called after me so I stopped to see what he wanted. He said he saw me and thought I was pretty and wanted to come talk to me in the bar but was too scared to, and I said thank you and it was nice to meet him but I had to go. He offered his hand to shake and I did, but then he hugged me. I said thanks and tried to shrug him off and then he tried to kiss me. I forcefully pushed him away, and said NO. He said “can’t I get a kiss goodbye?” And I said no and walked away. He started to follow me saying he was sorry so I turned around and have him a very angry not even slightly feminine look and he turned around and left. I know it was just a small taste of what women have to deal with but it was enough for me to regret the way I or any guy has ever treated a woman.That brings us to present day and I have decided I am going to find a way to tell you this year. Hopefully before the new year. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I’m afraid you would talk to _______ for advice/support and she might tell _____ and I don’t want our family to know that part of my private life, even though I know my mom and sisters would be completely supportive.
My biggest fear is because I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to lose a part of me…
That sure is a detailed and sincere letter. I have experienced similar things It’s funny how strong the desire to dress up is where we are so fearful of all the bad and possibly life destroying things that can happen if we are outed when we are dressed but we do it anyway.
When I met my wife I was wearing tan pantyhose with hair free legs of course and short women’s denim shorts. She noticed my legs. She thought they looked so nice, tan shiny and smooth. she thought it was sexy and thought other guys should dress like me. We hit it off real well, went out several times and I loved wearing pantyhose with her.
Then after a few weeks she came over to my place. It didn’t take her long to notice there was women’s clothes all over the place. Her cheerful. smiling demeanor immediately changed. She was clearly upset. She thought I lived with a woman. I had been dressing seriously and often for a couple of years and acquired a lot of clothing over that time. I didn’t know what to do or say. I just decided to tell her that I don’t just wear pantyhose. I wear all these clothes they are mine. I often wear them for parties and socials at colleges. She asked me to dress up for her.
I chose one of my favorite outfits. I went in the bedroom, put it on, did my makeup, the whole nine yards then walked out to introduce her to Patty. She was stunned. She couldn’t believe how pretty and sexy I was. She also liked it.
I hope once you present this letter to your wife that she is at least understanding. It would be good if she is supportive and obviously even better if she likes it. I’ve found a lot of girls like it and several men too.
2016_personal stories: Sarah Verona original post:
_________ if you ever come across this before we have talked about this, I’m sorry but I have to express this and I have wanted to talk to you about this since just after deployment when I first heard about the DOD allowing transgender people in the military. The best way to start this is by bringing up what started as one of the most terrifying moments of my life, followed by a brief glimmer of hope, followed by complete and utter disappointment, then I’ll get into a little history.
First and foremost I need to state a few things. First whenever this topic comes up in conversation not related to me I act slightly ignorant of the topic, but in reality I am VERY informed and knowledgeable about it. Well here we go…
I am not transgender, I don’t know where I fit in, but what I can say is I do not feel that i was born the wrong gender, and I don’t think I’m just a crossdresser, because I don’t feel like a man dressed in women’s clothes. I don’t know how to define how I feel with a label but the closest thing is bi-gender, because I am completely comfortable being a male and would never trade it for anything because that part of me gave me the love of my life and my amazing children, but dressed as a woman I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it also feels “right”.
Now to the story…
Receiving a call from you at work after you were in the attic and found a box with heels, wig…etc I was completely terrified and embarrassed, I was so careful previous times about wrapping it back up and placing it under a board between joists, but was careless thinking you would never go up there anyway. Driving home I was terrified, what was I going to say, what possible lie could I tell, but like I’ve learned in life the truth was the only way, and terrified of you would leave me I decided the only thing to do was tell the truth. You were obviously shocked and hurt, and at the time I assumed it was because you felt like our whole life was a lie, but then you seemed like you might have a slight bit of acceptance when you realized that I was not cheating on you just dressing in women’s clothing. So I thought maybe most of the anger and hurt was because you found out and I didn’t ever tell you, except in a joking manner dropping hints to test the water. Any time in the past joking about it you said things like you would be accepting, but (just like now) I didn’t have the courage to tell you. So at that moment I saw a glimmer of hope and i suggested it being OK dressing around you and maybe going out sometime together, but you just shut down so I assumed I just went too far so I both figuratively and literally put it on a shelf for a while, knowing I was not done trying to get you to understand my struggle. But then one day a few weeks later you told me that every time you saw the box it made you feel sick and betrayed and at that point all hope had been shattered.
Now onto history.
Just like you hear most transgender people’s stories of childhood it started young, I can’t say how young but it was when I lived on _______ road in __ so I was younger than 8. My sister _______ used to “trick” me to dress up in girl clothes from our dress up box, I loved it, it felt liberating but when she would try to take a picture I didn’t want anyone to know so I would hide and take them off because society said that was wrong. Over the years I would love Halloween time because I could put on the female costumes when noone was around. Then in forth grade because my 9th grader neighbor ______ was being a girl for Halloween I said I wanted to be one too. I did start the night with my parents and siblings until I saw some kids from my class down the road coming towards us and I freaked out and got my dad to take me home and change costumes. Then over the years I would swipe some of my sister’s clothing and also some of my friend’s sister’s things. My most treasured thing was a pair of her thigh high stockings and thong. I started putting them on in bed under my underwear and sheets almost every night until my sister _______ caught me a couple times and I threw them away. That’s also when she started the rumor that I was gay. I asked myself the question all the time “am I gay because I want to be dressed as a girl? And how can I be gay when I am not attracted to men at all and like girls and all things feminine?”. Needless to say just like I think every high school kid does I struggled to understand where I fit in. Then I joined the military. It was such a bad thing to be gay in the military back then and noone ever even thought to bring up transgender then, (it’s shocking how much the culture has changed in the last decade and a half). When I didn’t have a roommate in the barracks I would dress in women’s things that I had acquired from a couple girlfriends I had and at some point I decided I had to know if maybe I was gay. Ihooked up with guy and it was awkward and I didn’t enjoy myself at all, so that answered part of the question. I then tried again, this time dressed up as a woman, and again awkward and not enjoyable, but it did feel good to let someone else see me as a girl. So from then on I KNEW I wasn’t gay, but I also Knew I wanted to dress as a woman. I had a couple other girl friends and continued to dress some in private before we started dating. I knew I loved you and wanted to spend my life with you and didn’t want to risk jeopardizing that so for a while I didn’t dress at all anymore, but I thought about it often and I felt like there was something missing so eventually I started to occasionally put on some of your things when you were sleeping or not home, or put on makeup just to take it off immediately, and there were some times when it was a rush to take things off because you were pulling in the drive way…etc. I tried to bring it up many times like a what if scenario whenever you were watching a medical program about GRS to see how you would react, there were the times when I would put on your underwear in front of you and then we would joke about what if I wore it to work, (and I did many times BTW, even before we got together). There were also the times when you worked at Payless and we’re closing and I would put on the women’s shoes and bother you while you were working. Honestly I don’t know how you never out right asked me about it and I tried to bait you to ask because I knew I couldn’t tell you. And then came the time you went back home without me while pregnant with _________. I saw the opportunity that I had never had before. To be able to dress up with no risk of someone walking in. So I ordered shoes, wig, nails…etc so it would come in right after you left town and I even had a 4 day weekend so I knew I would have at least a full day or two to make sure there were no residual effects before work, and that’s exactly what I did. I completely dressed up from wig to heels and makeup to nails (something I had never done before), and it felt great, I just hung out watched TV, cooked, read, slept…etc while dressed up for 2 days. I learned a couple things then, first they call it “lip stain” for a reason… thought that was never coming completely off, and second I knew I wanted to do that as often as possible. So I started watching YouTube videos for makeup tips and more importantly on how to take off makeup easier, and faster. I probably fully dressed up 4 or 5 times after that until you found the box. After all that happened I didn’t try to get new things because I didn’t want to hurt you again. I still put things on and then normally took them immediately off. Then after deployment when you decided not to come back home until after the school year I was hurt but saw an opportunity, so when i had to look for a roommate I decided he would have to be someone OK with me being around the house dressed as a woman, so I posted and started looking for a roommate on gay housing sites. So yes, my roommate was gay. Which is why I didn’t want you to talk to him, for fear you would think I was cheating on you with him…yuck BTW even if I were gay I wouldn’t go for him. So for a while, unless I had duty I was dressing up at least one night every weekend. I would hang out around the house dressed up and joined a few online communities for crossdressers, transgenders, and everything in between. I started chatting with people and learning their stories and tips and tricks, and sharing a couple of my own. I was asked once while dressed what my name was and without thinking I answered “Sarah”, and now I know that one part of me is______ and the other is Sarah. I then started trying to “get out”. First I got a hotel room out of the area a couple times and drove around. I even went through a couple drive throughs just to let other people see me and to my shock I was treated politely even though frankly I’m not fooling anyone. I even got up the nerve to order pizza while dressed up at home once from Papa John’s. The delivery girl was very nice. I saw the initial double take glance but she was nice and I tipped well as usual. Afterwards that became my go to place for ordering out as Sarah, (BTW no ordering delivery from Papa John’s unless you don’t care about that now). I decided I wanted to meet other people like me. First I went over to a get together of other girls from a _______ group at someones house. Then I decided I am going to go OUT out as Sarah, and the opportunity arose to go out with some girls from a ______ area group to a place called __________ Bar and Restaurant. So I got a cheap hotel not far away, right off the highway and got dressed up and left. This was also the first time I got a very negative reaction. It was a dirty look and sigh of shock by some guy and woman smoking outside the back door of the hotel, but at that point I had already moved past caring what some stranger I’ll never see again thinks. So I drove into the city and to the bar, and when I arrived out front, there went my courage. It is a busy area of down town _______ with two gay friendly bars and allot of other normal businesses around and no parking near the bar. I found the parking lot which would require me to walk past 3 busy restraunts before getting to the bar. I freaked out a bit, parked in such a way that I wouldn’t be seen, got out, went over to parking pay machine where three women walked by 1 with a confused look, 1 with a shocked look and 1 with a smile, which I returned. I then sat in the car and debated leaving. I texted a friend from the group named ______ and told her I didn’t think I could go in, and instead she came out to me and walked me in. It was one of most terrifying thing in my life, which I thought was crazy because I was never that scared while in an Iraqi war zone. It turned out to be great. I got to meet allot of great girls like me and also some great staff and other random people including a group of _____ college girls there for their gay friend’s birthday party. I also experienced first hand how pushy men can be to women. When I went to leave a guy (slightly drunk) left right after me and when I was almost to the parking lot he called after me so I stopped to see what he wanted. He said he saw me and thought I was pretty and wanted to come talk to me in the bar but was too scared to, and I said thank you and it was nice to meet him but I had to go. He offered his hand to shake and I did, but then he hugged me. I said thanks and tried to shrug him off and then he tried to kiss me. I forcefully pushed him away, and said NO. He said “can’t I get a kiss goodbye?” And I said no and walked away. He started to follow me saying he was sorry so I turned around and have him a very angry not even slightly feminine look and he turned around and left. I know it was just a small taste of what women have to deal with but it was enough for me to regret the way I or any guy has ever treated a woman.
That brings us to present day and I have decided I am going to find a way to tell you this year. Hopefully before the new year. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I’m afraid you would talk to _______ for advice/support and she might tell _____ and I don’t want our family to know that part of my private life, even though I know my mom and sisters would be completely supportive.
My biggest fear is because I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to lose a part of me…
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