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Hello All You Lovely Ladies!
As I’ve said before my wife is not supportive. Over time however she seemed to be a little more accepting. When shopping I’ve bought capris, and even shoes. Womans shoes although they were more androgynous in appearance.
When out yesterday I found a nice pair of black flats that fit nicely. Not to femme, but more than what I’ve bought in the past. It took a few passes looking at them and I finally got up tot courage to show them to my wife and say I was thinking of getting them. I really wanted (want) them.
I showed her and she said “those are okay…..you mean for you?” I said yes, I really like them. Her reply really bothered me, was hurtful. She said, “no way, you can’t wear those, what will you do, be prancing around in those, no way.”
It was that “prancing around” that really got me. I just put them back on the shelf. I was really in a whirl mentally. I finally told her I would meet her outside while she paid for the things she was buying.
Don’t know what to do, say
Living with a wife that is only barely accepting our female side is like walking in a mine field. Some days things seem to go smoothly then the next day we trip an explosion, some small and some large. Like hidden mines, we never know when something will set them off. Little things that we think are innocent but to them its a red flag. When you showed her the flats it tripped that mine in your face but you did the right thing by dropping it and leaving the area. It was a smackdown and insult in a way only spouses can deliver… been there done that! Back off and go slow… little steps over time. We want to draw them into our lifestyle and be our girlfriend but they don’t see it that way, but could come around over time, or maybe not… its a minefield.
Well put Michelle and excellent advice. In our family it’s called walking on eggshells and we both try to never get to that point. Sorry that it happened to you Becka.
Marg
Ouch. I’m sorry to hear that, it had to sting Becka. And you are right in the ” prancing around” being particularly hurtful. The No part is one thing, but that phrase was belittling. Any chance she would be receptive to you letting her know that part was hurtful to you? Saying “no” to shoes is one thing you could live with I guess, but that added barb was unnecessary. I do hope she is sensitive enough to know how painful it was hearing that hon.
Stevie
Becka. I’m very sorry that happened. I hope you sit down and talk with her. To say no is sad but understandable the prance around part was wrong and hopefully she will see that. I hope that you can have a blessed Sunday.
Susan
Oh, Becka. I feel so bad for you. having someone you love put you down in such a away can be a huge blow to you. It can feel like getting punched in the gut. I know, my 15yo granddaughter often calls me a weirdo, often after talking with my X.
We all need to be there for each other in these times, cause what your wife did was unbelievable..Cassie
Ah yes, “Prancing around”…. I get that occasionally. Whilst my wife is amazing a extremely supportive, she does sometimes go to the negative side…. When I wasn’t working, I’d be dressed en femme most of the time. My wife would be upstairs working. Every now and then, when she was stressed I’d get “It’s OK for you, prancing around all day”….Sometimes, if I said I was going out dressed, she’d ask “Why do you need to go prancing around outside?”
In all honesty, I don’t think our wives/partners realise the impact of what they say. They don’t understand how deep it cuts. Trying to explain this often makes things worse.
As Michelle said, it’s a minefield. You never know when you are going to trip one. A few months ago, my wife and I were out shopping. I bought a load of clothes, and a new lipstick. All was great, until I stopped to look at mascara. I picked one out and told my wife I’d be buying it…. KABOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!It was like I told her I’d been sleeping with the neighbour! She went bonkers. This was only a couple of days after she was putting foundation on me in Boots (A chemist and cosmetics shop) to make sure I got the right colour! Clothes OK. Lipstick OK. Foundation OK….. Mascara….. Boomn! It’s a minefield, it really is….. I must add that do now own mascara, and wear it regularly 🙂Cerys
Oh, if they’re unsupportive, I think they carefully choose the words they use. It’s either that or subconsciously, the words that come out are an expression of their true feelings. Spoken as a crossdresser who’s wife has never seen her, but has heard things come out of her wife’s mouth enough to know it would not go well if said crossdresser came out of hiding.
Becka,
So sad to hear this. I can only hope your situation one day improves.
Much love,
RaquelSad, dont know what to say. Dont give up, take it slow and be honest and open. That was probably a big step for you to bring up that you wanted them. Stay positive.
Hugs GingerHi Becka, yes a bruising comment, but loving support coming from us all to help you step forward again.
You mentioned she was helping apply makeup a few days prior. To my way of thinking, your spouse is struggling with her emotions and how to deal with her internal conflict. It’s probably as much about her as it’s about you, and may go someway to explain her reply.
I agree with Michelle’s advice about drawing our partners into our lifestyle, so they don’t feel vulnerable. Find a moment to express how you felt, and without labouring it, enquire about how she felt at that time in the hope of understanding the language/emotional drivers of her reply.
Like any major steps in life preparation and timing are critical. Take your time to prepare your discussion with her. Other than the wonderful advice here, there are articles on CDH, Hannah McKnight, etc. who have given a huge amount of thought to addressing these situations.
love and hugzzz Amandah
Girl I feel ya trust me my ex was cool at first with me being Harley. Then all of a sudden outta the blue she wiggs out on me about it and well now gotta get every thing all over again. If it were me Id go back and get the flats you wanted. Let the inner girly part of you shine you are who you are and you cant change that.
My situation is an opposite but with some similarities which are very difficult to live with.
My wife is and always has been very supportive of my cross dressing. Wonderful you say but hold on! She also has very deep mood swings, often and suddenly, with no warning at all.
There are days when she feels so good that she will sing soprano all day long all over the home.
This is also a reason why I do not set dates with sister CDs, a commitment to meet may have to be broken at the last moment, if my wife’s mood swings into depression. I can plan for days to cross dress for an event, then the morning of the event my wife’s mood will suddenly change for the worse, and I will have to cancel my much looked forward to plans.
Another time we were in a wig shop, shopping for a wig for my wife. I was excited for her and helping her make a choice. Without warning, she startled the shop owner and me by screaming at me to shut up and go away. I left the store and sat in my truck until she came out, whereupon she asks me what the problem was. She apparently had little to no recollection of her behavior and thought I just got tired of being in the store.
How to handle these situations? I always assume there will be last minute changes to my plans. I am very careful about making commitments.
And yes, there is a medical explanation for her behavior.
Sometimes it’s just not about us. It’s about them. The hard thing is to tell the difference.
My first wife that I was married too for 19 yrs. Suffered from chronic depression and a personality disorder. Being young, somewhat ignorant of such things. I had no idea as to how to cope or live with that. I had known of people that were a little off but never anyone like this.
As she ultimately and slowly got better. For her it became a tool of manipulation to keep the rest of the house under her control. I later learned that this was just verbal and emotional abuse. Giver her outburst and mood swings we were all kept walking on eggshells around her.
When you live with someone like this, over time you get deeply affected by the wonky behavior. It took me many years after we spit to get my own head right.
I finally got her professional help and that helped the rest of us. Like most who suffer these conditions she would never stay on her meds.
I have come to the conclusion that I have to take care of my own mental health. So I do what I want and not worry about what my wife thinks. It has gotten her more on board but not totally supportive. But I feel better.
Tracy
Hi Becka
My gf has been and still is very supportive…..But, while she enjoys most of the pieces and outfits I get she doesn’t necessarily approve of my wearing some of them when we go out together. When out shopping I will accept her opinion of what I am about to purchase, as just that though, her opinion, I still purchase it if its something I like and give in to the fact that its probably not something I’m going to wear when we’re out together.
Becka
Your wife’s comment was so unnecessary and hurtful. It always feels worse when you start to believe they may be coming around eve just a little.
my first wife wouldn’t accept any of it , not even panties. She could be quick with a hurtful comment.
mine time she commented that if I found unisex style panties she might be ok with it. So I searched and found Jockey Elance cotton bikini panties and bought two boxes . No girlie colors or lace trim they didn’t look much different than my Haines mens bikini underwear. I placed the in my drawer and began wearing them. She said nothing for over a year or more . She would even wash, fold and put them in my drawer for me. One day I opened my drawer and something g seemed missing. I soon realized it was the Elance panties. I searched in the hamper, the laundry but couldn’t t find them. Finally I opened the trash container in the laundry room and there they were. Not just tossed in but cut to piece’s with scissors. I was steaming made and hurt . I went out a did as she said. They didn’t belong to her and she had no right to destroy them. Later that week I went out a purchased more. She never said a word but within 2 years we were separated.Natalie
💋💋💋
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