Any wife’s on here that are new to this? Trying to be as open as possible

[Tamara White]

I didn’t sign up for this and it’s something that seems to be growing.  I’m finding it challenging cause my husband doesn’t talk about it.  He just says  that he wants to be controlled which means he wants me to tell him to dress up.  This is not something I can’t  talk to about with anyone except in  therapy.  Can heterosexual woman be happy in this arrangement ?

Thanks!

[Krista Writeme]

Your happiness depends on how comfortable you are with your husband and his female side. My wife is very happy and very well adjusted with my fem. side. Of course,my wife is not entirely heterosexual.Being controlled,if that is what he is into,is a bit more than cross dressing.It is pure fantasy and the desire to be told how to live,act and behave.You don’t need therapy,you need a friend.write me,we can talk.

[Tamara White]

Thanks!  I don’t care what he wears or doesn’t wear but it’s when he wants my involvement to participating in requesting this which in turn will lead to me be sexually dominant. That is not my interest.  If it’s occasionally it’s fine but don’t want to encourage it too much because then my needs are not being met.

[Grace Darling]

Hi again,

I also wanted to reply to this:
-obviously, you don’t have to do anything in the bedroom (or anywhere else for that matter) that you don’t want to do
-it is perfectly reasonable for you to want your needs to be met
Given, however, that your husband also has desires and needs and these are clearly in conflict with yours, it looks like a certain amount of negotiation and compromise needs to take place. And I guess that’s what marriage or any long-term relationship entails. The first stage, it seems, is for each party to be able to acknowledge what their desires and needs are. That’s easier said than done, of course!

Much love,

Grace

[Paulette Parfois]

Hi Tamara, Your honesty and desire to resolve this is something I have rarely seen in relationships between a wife and her crossdressing husband. I do not pretend to be a therapist, but I do know from personal experience, as well as the experiences of others, that unless an open and honest line of communication is established it is very difficult (if not impossible) to reach any kind of resolution (perhaps “compromise”?. The very fact you are seeking answers speaks volumes of your love and concern for your husband. (My wife probably summed it up best when she told me: “I have over fifty years invested in you, so I guess I will see where this takes us”!) Please know you are in my (and others on this forum) thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Paulette

[Tamara White]

Thanks. He’s an amazing father and a good husband. I’m open minded to a point but don’t want it taking over our whole romantic life.  I fell in love with the  passion and assertive man he is and I feel that man dwindling .

I asked if he mentioned this to his therapist and he said no. All he told her was that Itturns him on when other men find me attractive. (Another entirely different thing)  and he feels that was vulnerable enough .

[Paulette Parfois]

Tamara, You are one special person, as is my wife, which is why I try to be the best husband I can be for her and make sure I do not exceed the boundaries we have established. The upside for me is being Paulette has made me much more appreciative of what she goes through as a woman. I’ll never complain about her taking too long to get ready again! LOL. Hugs, Paulette

[Grace Darling]

Hello Tamara,

I think everyone here will want to help you in any way we can.  But we are TG (in my case) or CD or..not sure yet…so not the person who is having to cope with that in the person they love.

I speak with some feeling as I am currently going through this with my wife.  Trying to understand and express my feelings in the way that is least painful to her.

I am happy to give you whatever support I can.  And I’ll reply to any messages you send. But, like others on the site, I may not be the best person to assist.

My counsellor told me about an organisation called http://www.depend.org.uk, which is only for wives and partners of trans women.  In fact, you can’t join if you are trans as they wanted to create a safe space only for the partners.  I’ve read the stuff on there that I can access and I thought it was sensible and sober.  It’s a UK-based organisation but I imagine you can join from anywhere.

Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.  In turn, you may be able to advise me on what my wife needs.

With love,

Grace

[Tamara White]

Thank you very much Grace. I will check it out.

[Grace Darling]

You’re very welcome.  And please pm/friend me if you think that’ll help.

Much love,

Grace

[Jane Mansfield]

Hello Tamara, Jane here. I dress up but my wife and I openly discuss the reasons behind this. As you said your husband is great with the kids, and everything else.
Perhaps he does not want to scare you, so seeking your consent, makes it easier.
Does your husband call himself by a female name.
I agree with the other ladies, open discussion and understanding on both sides is a great remedy.
Best wishes
Jane

[Mandy Wife]

Hi Tamara, have you requested to join the wives & SO’s group?  If not then request to join and then you can have a look at some of our posts – you may find you are not alone in how you are feeling but quite a few wives prefer to talk on our private group.

 

Mxx

[Dianna Rose]

Bless you for trying, Tamara.

Big hug to you, girl.

Diane

[1968 Sonia]

Hi Tamara,

Thank you for the question because made me think and look for responses.

In my case my strog desiree since I came out ( 2 months ago) is that my wife could be a dominant male rolling active sex with me as much as possible.

We have done it once and we enjoyed together but my wife is not lesbian….

I think that it is necessary to develope a new sexuality inside the couple and see where it takes to.

Probably to go to a sexual therapist could help to build something different looking what is inside the two and how to combine it.

Otherwise life is fluent so to love each other how we are in every moment without impossitions could be everyone challenge.

Kisses

Sonia

[Pumped]

[postquote quote=613478]

I find it strange that he wants “it”, but doesn’t want to talk about “it”. How are you supposed to know what he expects without some discussion?

Are you just supposed to take the dominate role and tell him what to do? I don’t get it either.

I think you need to sit down and get him to talk about it somehow. Tell him you are trying to understand, but with zero input from him it makes it almost impossible for you to do your part. Why won’t he talk? Is he embarrassed? Ashamed? What??

My last comments are probably close to the truth. Us husbands really don’t understand what drives us to dress and we are very afraid to lose our wives over the deal so we clam up and don’t talk about it. Possible he is afraid you will dump him over it as you may think it is to weird. So nothing is better than admitting it.

[Grace Darling]

Hello Tamara,

I want to add another reply to your post. Your husband probably wants you to tell him to dress because that would be a way for him to deal with the guilt he feels about wanting to dress. If he is ‘compelled’ to dress, then he doesn’t have to own up his feelings.

Of course, you don’t have to go along with any of these desires. But the fact that your husband can only manage his desires by turning them into a kind of obligation is an indication of how ashamed he is of what he feels.

I am sure a therapist could help with this much more than I can.

But I hope these words have some value.

Love,

Grace

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