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Adriana’s Original Post:
I am /was guilty of this…I must have purged at least twice that I can remember. First time was a BIG purge about 9 years ago..I got rid of EVERYTHING my entire wardrobe. I wanted to see if I could hack it in life without dressing, so…I threw it all away…about 3 years later ( and 40 pounds heavier) the urge came back, now fat I dropped a few 100 on clothes and boots, got dressed and realized how MUCH i let myself slip away, and I was FAR from the CD/TG I once was, so.I got depressed and…..I purged again….ANOTHER 3 years or so went by the urge hit me hard again. It was then I realized that this wasnt going to go away, that it was a part of me, sometimes you have to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back I guess or in my case 2 steps back to move one step forward,…so I made myself a goal to try and get back to the original “me”….and through diet, workouts, i LOST the weight….and while loosing the weight, I made another goal to re-learn the makeup again, and get even BETTER at it, 3 months later I finally decided it was time to dress again fully….I havent looked back since….Have you ever purged before??? How did that work out for you ? I am guessing if you are here, Im guessing you got the urge again too. xoxoEcho the above. Got rid of everything when wife found out in desperate attempt to save the marriage. Guess ow well that turned out!PRomises made that I should have known I;d NEVER be able to keep. Now the only purging I need to do is pruning Cynthia’s closets out of things that don’t fit her-either sizewise or style!
CynthiaI discovered that every purge was a mistake. With the exception of one ocassion I always purged by way of charity clothing bins so at least I got to feel that hopefully there were some tastefully-dressed charity recipients out there. 🙂
The worst was after a sudden fit of shame and self-loathing. I was away on business, staying in a hotel and I’d spent the night getting all prepared; showered, shaved and as well made up as I could be. Then I dressed and sat to relax for the evening with a glass of wine. Suddenly, as if viewing remotely, I saw myself sitting there alone, all dressed up with nowhere to go and I was crushed by a feeling of shame, hopelessness and guilt. There and then I stripped everything off, showered and scrubbed my face until it was raw then after dressing in my drab male attire bundled everything up, breast forms included, and took them to an industrial rubbish hopper. Such a terrible waste but the up side was that that was the very last time I purged.
Now, I sometimes indulge in carefull thinning out of my wardrobe but these days the only reason is whether I wear it or not. The purge days are over for me.
Oh yeah,a few times,The last time I purged I threw out about $5000 worth of clothes and shoes and swore to myself,that was it never again.Then you go to a mall and your like an alcoholic locked in a liquor store.Then you break down maybe just a cheap pair of shoes and this little skirt.Now I’ve got over 40 pairs of shoes and a whole new wardrobe.I’ve just come to the conclusion there is no denying it,this is who I am or what I am.I’m crossdresser more than that I’m a woman and love me,thats what counts.LOL Heather.
done it several times myself , but always end up buying more ! I’ve finally accepted who I am and I love her , she’s part of me !
I think we all have done it. I always see this as a re-occurring theme.
For me it’s just been crap I bought at Lovers Package so not a real big loss. Today I have some nice stuff so since I’m such a frickin tight wad it’s going to make it more difficult.
I think the biggest difference between now and then, if self acceptance now I appreciate myself and want to class in my look and now don’t need the trash that I felt before. Don’t get me wrong I still love a sexy set of fishnets and lace. I’m just not treating myself as a slut.Amen Darcy! I have to remember I’m not a teenager or twentysomething girl but a fifty year old woman and I can’t do the slut thing either(do love a pleated miniskirt though). Heck I can;t fit into the clubbing outfits anyway(size 18 🙁 ). Doesn’t mean I can’t look sexy and flirty and feminine though and I’m NOT going with the old lady hair either!
CynthiaI have never had a huge amounts of femme clothes so when I have purged it wasn’t a big loss and it was usually a couple dresses or skirts and lots of panties cause I love panties, lol. Recently I had bought lots of outfits and things like that and left them in a backpack at my parents place in a plastic tub at my parents place because I work seasonal work and travel everywhere. I kind of wish that I had them but I have bought a couple dresses recently and some panties to wear.
From here on out I am going to do my best not to purge anymore.
I’ve puged so many times I lost count. Threw away so many nice clothes and shoes. Wish I had them all back. When I would get overcome by guilt silly me just thought “oh just throw away the clothes that will stop you”. But I’d be out a few months later buying more. It’s a viscous cycle. I think I do it because I haven’t come out and I am still hiding it. And because I haven’t allowed myself to realize that it’s OK to be Dani.
Im the same as you girls, purged about 11 year’s ago , my wife found a skirt so made up some feeble excuse and got rid of my stash of clothes. Again, like most you girls 2012 i purged everything in a stupid attempt to stop dressing,now we all know THATS impossible. The need to dress came back, i only wish the clothes could have to. Love Zoe xxx 🙂
hello kittens of all ages and stages..stay beautiful people.le fur de masiour’..
I have done it at least once. I watched a video on YouTube by a gender therapist and she defined purging as getting rid of clothing or other items that are gender-affirming. If they are gender-affirming then you need them to express your gender so if you get rid of them it is probably due to guilt or shame, picked up from the attitudes around you rather than really what you believe in. I eventually came to an acceptance of my crossdressing, decided to do it and to enjoy it. I also decided that anyone in a serious relationship with me would have to accept it.
Is it possible that we a each need at least one good purge in our lives to fully accept that crossdressing, or being transgender at all, is actually part of who we are? So then we can begin to accept it as a blessing, and not treat it like a curse or illness?
I doubt myself all the time… I love being made up, and going out into the world as a confident woman instead of a man who uses arrogance to cover a massive inferiority complex. But the thought whispers in the back of my mind that I am still just a pretender, trying to fit in yet another world where I don’t belong.
I read other brave ladies’ stories and think to myself, “but I didn’t have severe gender dysphoria as a young child, so what makes me think I have it now? I didn’t know why I was different then… what makes me think I’m so different now?” That maybe I’m still just the weird kid who has to create reasons to feel “special and unique”… The dressing isn’t painful or stressful, but all the emotional baggage of “not being man enough” or “not being human enough” or just plain not being enough is what wounds me every day. Because I just don’t feel like I’m enough… and it seemed to me that little things in my history could be best explained by my being transgender. And yet, 5 months after asking myself if it might be true, I find myself no less lost, no less unhappy, no less confused. And the fear comes back, that I am an interloper in a world where I am accepted with open arms. That I am again pretending to be human, pretending that I can belong.
The thought of purging everything brings a tear to my eye, not because of the wasted money or time, but because it would be an admission that I have lied to the world yet again…. that I am not who I say I am… and I have little else other than my integrity holding me together.
I am still working on accepting myself… I don’t think I could give this up if I tried, but I am sure I could suppress it… go back to living half-a-life in a dreary, sunless world.I want to edit this… delete large swathes of it… but this is part of my story, and if it can help someone else say “hey, I feel like that too; now I’m not so all alone”, it will have been worth it… And if not, I’m no stranger to making an ass of myself.
Very well saiid and no I wouldn’t take anything out of it. Sharing comes from the depths of your heart and soul and only makes it more genuine and powerful. As someone still on my own journey of self-examination, it is indeed comforting to know that others are in the same boat-feeling like an interloper in either world. I thank you for sharing and know you are not alone!
Cynthia
Thank you Cynthia. My entire life has been uncertainty. Why should this be any different?
Same here. I purged a few times in the past but never completely. I always kept a few things. Just couldn’t completely purge. However in the last 10 years I have not. In fact I have only added and begun to more deeply explore and embrace my femininity.
Looking back lack it was a mistake but probably necessary for personal growth. I am now of the mindset that I embrace my feminine side, my sexuality, kinks etc. if others can’t accept it than that’s their problem. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t cross dress anymore
Heather
I have a confession to make, I am a serial Purger, there Ive said it, its out there, Ive lost count of the times Ive “given up” and “not doing this any more”. (The longest ive ever been able to go before starting again is about 6 weeks). But you know what, its about more than throwing all my clothes and shoes and make up out, its an attempt to throw out a part of me that up until now I havent been able to come to terms with. Oh sure, I name my female self, I “allow” her time in the world, by dressing in clothes more appropriate for a woman than a man, but I havent yet given her the respect of sharing this body equally. Purging has, for me anyway, been both a discarding of the trappings femininity, and an attempt to excorsize Roberta from my psyche. Over time ive learned that I purge for fear of getting caught, I know that if my partner found my “stash” our relationship would be over. I purge because im ashamed, there are still people in society who dont accept folk like us, and I dont know how my boss would react , its a small town in rural New Zealand. And I purge because Im scared, Im scared of taking that next step, out into the world, to live, or to lose it all. So yes, im a serial Purger.
Is there a seven step program for that?
Ive only actually purged once when my now wife and I first moved in together and she didnt know about Jenny. BUT I made a huge boo boo and accidentally threw out my entire wardrobe other than a few pieces of lingerie during the move to the new house last year. Was I ever angry at myself as I finally had a fair size collection of outfits 🙁
Ha, yes, I to have purged and thought to myself. Yep, done back to the normal me. I’d go for a time and then something would catch my eye and the next thing I know, I am back. In my earlier years, I used to think that I could change and be my lovable male self, but I’ve learned along the way that as many times that I have purged, Kari is a part of me. She is my other self. I have been cruel to her at times and neglected and ignored her and in the end felt horrible and miserable. I have tried to analyze why I am the way I am and in the end just try and accept. She is me and I her with all the craziness that goes along with being me. I am not perfect and according to my wife, a little freaky. 🙂 Turning fifty last year, changes ones outlook a little bit. I have been trying to make her a little more visible than in the past, and of course this scares my wife and me a little bit. But I still like to laugh and try and enjoy the ride. 🙂
Ah Roberta! YOu hit the nail on the head at the end. Admititng that Cnthia is a part of me-the main part and most integral to who I am brings me to the point of having to figure out what the future now holds for me, Stepping out in public more while dressed but still only dressing? Actually living and presenting to the world as female 24/7? Going full transition with the works-hormones,surgery? Scary thoughts to consider for me at least and I suspect for you and a lot of the others here too! And the consequences to our relationships with family and friends no matter which option we take is another worry. I do’t have a seven step program except to examine your thoughts and feelings and soul and be the person you feel you are-otherwise you are just cheating yourself and the world out of the beauty of that soul and the wonderful contributions that a happy person in tune with themselves will make to the world!
Cynthia
It’s like I used to tell my kids…breaking or throwing out your “toys”(in their case-clothes in ours) just means you no longer have the stuff that makes you happy. NExt tiem you feel like purging-put them away for 48 hours and see if you still feel that way-I Suspect you’ll hae changed your mind once you have time to get past the immediate doubts and worries!
Cynthia
Holy cow Kari!This is the bazillionth time I have read post and said “Did I write that while I was asleep and not remember it?” because it feels like you’re talking about me! Just turned 50? Check! Purged and sworn off dressing? Check! Realized that cannot stop dressing and that she is a part of me-perhaps the main part? Check! Scared of stepping out of the closet and into the wide world but figuring I’m just gonna see where things lead and have fun while doing it? Check-with a caveat-still getting the courage for that stepping out part 🙂 ALso the other difference is that you still have our wife where mine left ten years ago largely because she could not deal with my dressing(and never even TOLERATED it behind closed doors by myself). Ah well, I gotta be me–now just need to figure out EXACTLY who that is! I’m confident I’ll figure it out with the love and support from all my lovely lady friends here. Tanks to all of you!
Cynthia
I don’t remember how many times I purged. I guess one grows guilty or something, but since I founded out how common it is for one to have a feminine side it puts my mind at rest. The internet has made the world smaller, people with common interest find each other (cross-dressing or transgender) for support and comfort. I know its part of me and I wear something each day, even if its my toe nails in two shades of red or panties under my slacks. It makes me question how far I wanna transition into Stephanie. Could I ever go 24/7 as my inner girl, I thought about it. There is pluses and minuses to both… what would make me happier changes each week…. see I am already thinking like a woman, Can’t make up my mind…haha
love you girls
I think we have all been there at least once. For myself, I have invested a lot of time (and money) in getting to the place I am now in terms of a look and styles that I’m comfortable with. When the urge to purge hits, it’s always with a great sense of internal conflict. I know that I will be back eventually so for the last 2 times I have simply put everything in some suitcases which are then stored in the wardrobe of the spare bedroom.
I figure that if I come back, then everything is still there and in the unlikely event that it goes away forever, I can always throw the cases away whne I am that certain.Maxine.
Have done it a few times over a 40 year period, nothing goes out anymore I am finally at ease with it.
At 64 I have purged 3 times over the years. Via gender counselling I have finally accepted myself, stopped beating myself up with guilt and shame . My wife of 33 years is not accepting nor understanding which has caused marital problems since I came out to her 8 years ago. However my clothes now hang in the closet along with the heels, I underdress daily, wear androgynous outer clothing, ears are pierced which she dosen’t like, I go out to support group once a month dressed which she knows about, she knows I will not stop crossdressing, and has stated she will not allow me to purchase any more clothing without her OK. So I guess we have come a long way in 8 years. My sister went through my wardrobe with me a while ago and thinned it out to what outfits look good on me etc. Now since I had laser and all the hair is gone so went the intimacy but then this is another step in the process of coming out which will need work on.Overall I am happier, she isn’t right now, but is agreeable on working to keep a marriage.So it is a big step for her towards acceptance.
I have purged quite a few times regretfully so. Now I have reached the point where the shame has disappeared and I finally have realized that I am who I am and being Kelci is so much part of me that those days are behind me. It has taken quite a long time for me to accept this, but I am so glad I have progressed and am at a stage where my comfort level as Kelci has reached an all time high and I have no intention of turning back now.
I had purge 4 or 5 time already. Each time I meet or see a woman my mind begin to wish I could be like her, and the urge got stronger and stronger over the years. Now I just accept I have Gender Dysphoria issued.
Purged it first time when I told my wife about it and she told me that it is unacceptable to her. “She married a man” and there is no place for a second woman in the house. I purged everything… Game up dressing for good 2 years. I would buy lingerie and dresses for her only. Once she asked me if I would like to try the new dress… I agreed and started to collect again… More this time.
Second time of purge was when I suggested her that I would like to go out… Hell broke lose again and I purged to prove her that she is more important than the dressing. It came back again after couple of years when we moved to our current place. We talked and agreed that my dressing is accepted as long it is in private.
Now I have more clothes and shoes than her and I am not purging again ever. I have told her that clearly that I am keeping my side of the agreement and she is ok with it.
Do I regret it ??? Not really, because, all my current stuff is more fashionable and stylish and better fitting than earlier.
I lost weight and now me her are same dress size. So, she wears all the dresses/clothes that I buy and I share it with her. Her argument about spending too much money is no longer valid. However, shoes remain a point where she constantly nag me about ever growing stock of heels and shoes that I do not even wear often and these are just waste of money…!!!!
Ugh, purging. I used to purge within a day or two of acquiring feminine clothes every time for YEARS. I would sometimes go for months without dressing only to eventually get an irrestible urge to dress again. Get clothes, feel guilty, purge. Too many times to count. I have finally accepted my feminine self and came out to my wife a year ago who now accepts my dressing. I have a large wardrobe now that I don’t think I will ever purge. Having an accepting wife greatly helped me with my own acceptance.
I was goes to ask this same question. Yes I purged several times in my twenties and thirties until I accepted that I was always going to be a crossdresser/transvestite. Over the years I have come to the realization that I am transgender. Something I take very seriously. I do think in the near future I will begin purging again but this time it will be my boy clothes. The first time I am ma’amed while in boy mode I will get my ears pierced. Then when a man opens a door for me I will immediately buy new panties and ceremonially purge my boy briefs.
Well Hun, this would be one of the biggest undertatemensts of the year…if i had a nickle for every item i have purged over the years, I would have a few thousand dollars. Thankfully I no longer have the fear of being found out or caught.
Purgeing is quite normal for us as I am sure that you have fond out thri=ough this post!
I can’t remember how many times I’ve done this. By the time I met my wife I had more female than male clothes. At the time I was in a relationship (as a female) with a married couple and was en femme a lot. I got rid of it all. This was my biggest purge. I hated doing it but it seemed necessary. Some time after we married I started buying a few essentials as some of my wife’s things didn’t fit (bras – too big, shoes – too small) or just weren’t my style. I couldn’t have too much as hiding places were limited. Every now and then fear of discovery would prompt me to purge, and everytime time I would have to restock. This cycle went on for a few years. At least the charity shops benefitted. I seperated from my wife a while back (we are still best friends) but my adult stepdaughter lives with me so I’m still hidden. I’m less worried now about the consequences of discovery. And yet, and yet, I have still had a few mini purges. Why? I have no shame or feelings of guilt about being Bryoni-Kate for part of my life. No, it’s the fear of discovery and alienating the people I love. Their feelings about me are the most important thing in my life but I’ve decided that’s it. No more purges. We can’t demand acceptence or to be understood but we have the right be oursleves. So I shall be. xxx
Bryoni-Kate
I would think this is pretty common to most of us. I have absolutely no idea how many times I have purged absolutely no idea how many times I have purged I have been married twice and mostly involved with women in relationships. In my experience at least the women I have been involved with their not very excepting. Even while in relationships I have bought things and then throw them out. Sometimes only a few things often many things. Have gotten intense and bought small wardrobes multiple times only to clean house so to speak. The money wasted has to be huge but now I realize the emotional turmoil was a much greater cost!
Love and hugs,
DonnaOH Jane I can so relate. This spring tho my femininity came roaring back and I now know I am not able to nor want to control her anymore. Hugs.
Julie
The best advice I can give to all of you is not to actually throw anything out. Lock it in a box, put in the attic and throw the key away. You think you will stop dressing if you dont have anything to wear, but the urge always comes back. And while you will have a few days of no dressing, your mind will being trying to figure out how to get that lock off. Locks are cheaper to replace than the clothes.
I agree most have purged at least once if not more. I purged a very big collection because of a divorce. Have always regretted it.!! Remarried to a wonderful women who allows me to dress in private. Maybe I’m done purging my wonderful clothes….
I think all cross dressers purge their clothes thinking with out them they wont be able to dress, but the urge always come back and we have to buy more.
My suggestion is to never throw anything away, lock it in a suit case and throw it in the attic, cause I know from experience yo will always want everything back some time in the future.
Mostly in my teens. But I never fully purged. I had a few things my sister gave me. That just Kent to much. She bought me my first dress. But I stored it and didn’t wear for a while. Then when I turned 21 I just realized who I was and decided to embrace it. Have been dressing since. Full time at home since 23 When I moved out. No my wardrobe has gotten alittle out of control. Ha should purge alittle.
many times, and I probably will again. Mind you, it’s liberating to do it as well-no chance discoveries-nothing to hide-for a while.
I seem to do the purge way more than I should and I wish that I would just stop and when I do get to that point of wanting to throw it all out that I stop and realize how amazing the clothes are and keep them rather than throwing them away.
I just need to get the confidence that if someone does find my female clothes to say they are mine and I enjoy wearing them and not caring how they react by the clothes. Being proud of who and what I am instead of being the chicken s*** that I always am when I think about how people would react to me being a cross dresser and a transgender woman.
Or at least I need to keep all my panties and bras that I always end up getting rid of, those are always my favorite.
Hi Girls goodness once or twice I’m not putting it down I know some of us are stuck with having to hide out true selves I’m still kinda in that domain now but I’m not putting ever again I can’t even count how many times I’ve done the purge in my 57 years of life I guess it around 50 but I had 4 yes 4 sister’s early on but then I got married and hid myself always trying to hang on to some little thing be it shoes or bras or clothes jewelry you name it but it always comes back so I quit trying to stop I just accepted it my story is a long one I can barely recall it at times someday maybe I’ll pour it all out I play guitar it mostly pours out there instead but I’m not in a band I never had the opportunity to get into one I’d love to do that I’ve been at it awhile since 1982 as a hobby my therapy I guess I’m straight though but trying to transition to full-time again but I’m not interested in guys at all my life is kinda strange I know I’m not alone but still a little different my real dad never was in the picture and he was very abusive to my Mom and sister’s so I learned to hate my own gender but thats the rest of the story I’m getting into yet Love Maria
Hi Girls if I hurt anyone’s feelings I didn’t mean to at times I may something that comes across wrong I’m so old ok I’m not that old I’m just new to this forum stuff I don’t do much communicating with anyone I’m alone most of the time maybe I’ll try to be more I’m not even sure what I’ve been thru a lot of crap and at times I’m a little jaded maybe I know life can be hard for us people can be so cruel even though they might be wrong about us it still hurts we get tough skinned and realize how rough we might be ourselves without realizing it in very sorry if I said something about purging either not as much or male item’s its just me I guess Love Maria
yes I gave all my stuff away a couple I felt I was doing something wrong my wife was ok with it but I felt guilty but after I gave the stuff away I would say to myself why I did that I would wait a couple weeks and I would start buying new stuff I cant stop and really don’t want to I am a woman now now and I staying that way I don’t care what other think I make 2 mistakes and I wont do it again
I’m almost afraid to say anything here today the last time I think I was unfriended for what I’m not sure my life has been a roller coaster ride I’ve purged myself many times but early on my mother did my purging for me it really hurt to see that I had been cleaned out of all I had its bad enough when we do it ourselves but my privacy wasn’t respected hardly ever before I got out on my own even now I’ve got a new girlfriend that I need to tell about myself and I think I love her but chances are it will bring our relationship to a close I feel it’s better to do the right thing at least for myself and her heart which is very important to me I feel honesty is the best policy even if it hurts those we care for as well as ourselves it’s better to tell the truth than be deceitful which only brings even more pain on all involved anyway thank you all for being yourselves Love Maria
I have purged 3 times in my life and I regret ever doing it. I had some spectacular outfits that I literally cry when I think of losing them (I cry easily). The last time I purged was about 2 years ago. Like all of you other lovely ladies I have a new wardrobe.
I also realize Angela has been part/most of me my whole life. I started dressing at age 6 and always have.
None of us understand why we are the way we are, but girls just accept your inner woman because it will always be there.
Hugs and kisses, AngelaI use to purge all the time, I couldn’t except who I was, it got to expensive for me to keep doing that. Now that I’m 56 yrs and decided I’m going to embrace it. I went out and bought a few dresses, now that I found out how much I love doing it and feeling so good about my self I want to get breast forms and wigs. I’m married, my wife knows I do it. she is Simi ok with it. I just can’t do it in front of her. I’m working on that. One day I would like to be able to go out into public.
Hi Jennifer!
I am mostly like you. My advice is to never purge again because you will always come back to the sisterhood even if you don’t want to. You can’t escape being a CD no matter how hard you try – been there done that multiple times. I have realized I am Angela no matter what.
When you get on the chat line talk to Julie Carson, she is such an inspiration and will give you fabulous advice. Just embrace Jennifer and love her because she is YOU!
Hugs and kisses, Angela
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